EMERGENCY GUEST SERVICES

LOOK WHO'S COMING TO DINNER

     MorriCat and Sons is rolling out their new emergency guest services.

     We provide speciality and last minute guests for dinner parties, weddings, bar mitzvah, graduations, conferences, substitutes for parents at little league games, funerals. Do you want a new or more impressive spouse for your class reunion? We offer a large selection of substitute spouses for a occasion. We can help with substitutes for disagreeable tasks, such as court dates, parent teacher meetings, prison sentences, or dental appointments.

     We can supply the perfect guest or assistant for you. We employ a variety of professional guests or surrogates, from the exceptionally mundane to the improbably interesting. Do you just need a warm body to make you party perfect? We have him or her. No need for your affair to be a disaster because of last minute cancelations. Call MorriCat, we will send one of our bonded contractors to save your function.

     If you just want to liven up the event we have specialist for all occasions. Meet some of our special guests.

     Major Snodgrass, he is, pompous, slightly balding, overweight (but not chubby), speaks with British accent. He will corner victims and incessantly speak about his adventures as big game hunter or soldier in India. Exceptionally boring,  Major Snodgrass will make all other males at you party appear extraordinarily witty and possibly intelligent.

     Myra Mockingbird, a twenty year old ditzy blonde, very voluptuous. A former hostess at Millie's House of Forbidden Delights, she is much smarter than she acts. She has a great memory for names and faces and photography is her hobby. She will undoubtedly know some of your more prosperous male guests and they may even be interested in some of her photos. You won't regret adding her to your guest list.

     Aunt Mary, you'll like her, she is everyone's favorite aunt, petite, very prim and proper, wears hearing aids and round wire rimmed glasses,  calls all younger people sonny or missy. She smiles at everything you say, but you will never see her teeth. She really doesn't need the hearing aids.

     Wilhelmina "Muffy" Flufhedd, highly sought as an audience member for game shows and TV reality programs. Very bubbly she can be excited by watching paint dry. Now 40 years old she still dresses and acts 18. A former cheerleader, she is perfect to take your  10 year old boy or girl to their soccer game. She even brings own supply of bubble gum. In an emergency can escort your dippy 18 year old son to the prom. A great addition to your dinner party. For and additional fee she will attend wearing her cheerleader uniform.

     Michaelangelo "Magic Mike" DeVore, suave and debonair, he is fluent in French and Italian, 15 years experience as assistant tennis pro (43 different country clubs). He has extensive knowledge of wine, sailing and polo, probably the only living person who knows all the rules of Cricket. He is popular with the more mature ladies and the younger wives of older men. Michaelangelo tends to avoid countries where dueling is legal.

     The Katzenjammer family, Ross, Molly and their three preteen kids. Perfect for invigorating your affair. Consider them for your wedding,  bar mitzvah,  funeral or court appearance. The three kids raise mischief to a whole new level, they can break anything. The parents are seem clueless and oblivious to everything the kids are doing. They will make an unforgettable experience for you and all your guests.

     Homeless Hank, one of several generic street people we employ. 'Homeless Hank' will add character to your affair and demonstrate your commitment to social justice. We have several employees on call as they are not overly reliable and tend to move around often. In most cases incontinence is not a problem, and the most of the odors can be allivated by air fresheners. Most are great connoisseurs of wine. As with all our employees, bonding is provided by Johnny's 24 Hour Bail Bonds.

     Bag Lady Annie, similar attributes as Homeless Hank. Additional she will bring a shopping cart with all her belongings to your party.

     Visit our Web page or stop by one of our convenient locations to see our entire selection of special guests. We know we have what you want and need. Our prices are competive, they may not be the lowest but remember you get what you pay for.


MorriCat and Sons
Party Animals for Rent

AN EXCEPTIONAL WEDDING

PLANS & IDEAS

     How are your wedding plans going? Don't despair, there are always some problems. Do you feel it is going to be less opulent than you hoped? Is it turning into a really big hassle?  Of the 480 invitations you sent 430 were RSVP with regrets, another 22 were returned by postofice marked refused 6 were attached to rocks and thrown through you window . The plan to fill up the guest list with homeless people seems eminently doable. Too bad your maid of honor backed out because she starts her new job at the Millie's House of Forbidden Delights that day. Now may be the time to reconsider some things. For example the cash bar may be a little too much for some of your guests. Is it too late to change the caterer?   Chipolotes may not be the most auspicious choice at this time. The choice of wedding gown and bridesmaid dressing from Fredericks of Hollywood is unconventional to say the least. I was not previously aware that Fredericks sold maternity clothing. My considered opinion and recommendation is that the bridesmaids should wear underwear during the wedding and at the reception. Will your father be released from prison in time to walk you down the aisle?

     Speaking with the groom, I am marginally encouraged,  although the best man is not expected to make bail before the wedding,  the groom expects his current outbreak of herpes will have abated before the wedding. It is our suggestion, considering the guest list, that the ushers be armed during the ceremony and the reception. They would not necessarily all need assault weapons, or even concealed carry permits. Of course with their backgrounds there may be challenges obtaining the permits anyway.  

     The minister's wife believes he will be relatively sober by the day of the wedding. His new ankle bracelet is not that noticeable. The bridesmaids should be safe as long as the minister's wife  is nearby with her shepherds crook. Our additional suggestion, is to keep all children at least 100 feet away. That should alleviate some concerns about possible parole violations.  Unfortunately they will not be attending the reception, as they expect to leave  immediately after the ceremony. She requested that, since the ushers will be armed, they assist in collecting the offering.

      All-in-all it seems that everything is falling into place. Some couples have real problems, but you appear to be off to a good start for a long and happy marriage. You mother will be proud, I know you hope she is released from the asylum soon, drug rehabilitation can be tough.

     Thank for giving us the privilege of evaluating your wedding plans.

MorriCat 

Social Engineer 

  

IN FOR A PENNY IN FOR A POUND

PUT DOWN THAT BURGER

Obesity has became a serious problem in the united States. With a population of over 320 million people with an average weight per person of 181 pounds, Americans are the world's third-heaviest people, exceeded only by the Pacific nations of Tonga and Micronesia. If we are very diligent we shall soon be number one.

Obesity has been recognized as a health problem for several years. There are serious concerns about Diabetics, Heart disease, Sagging breasts, and Ephelis. The economic impacts are grave, studies by reputable scientists and shoe repair persons suggest that fat people not only consume more food, but require more resources for shelter, clothing and health care. This drain on our limited resources has not gone unnoticed by our elected representatives. They have less and less money for more useful and profitable enterprises, such as their salaries.

It is becoming a more common belief that it is more beneficial to have an increase in really skinny people, and decrease the number of obese persons. Many of our political leaders and captains of industry are working hard to make that happen. Recently you may have noticed that the quality and nutritional value of your food has deteriorated. Several restaurant chains have even resorted to selling their clientele tainted food.

Not to discount the health, and economic impacts of obesity. The real and more immediate danger is environmental. Many  of the Pacific island nations have expressed fears that rising sea levels caused by global warming will destroy their lands. This is a myth propagated by environmental scientists, who have been duped by misguided liberal housewives into believing in global warming. These gullible savants refuse to consider the extensive research provided by major oil companies and other large industries. Which prove conclusively that contrary to sea levels rising, the islands are actually sinking. It is now a generally accepted theory that the added weight of people due to population and average weight increases have strained our Earth to the breaking point.

Some estimates place the average weight of an American at 241 pounds by the year 2030. If true this is a real catastrophe. Worse, the growth in expected population to approximately 600 million, due to immigration, revival of the rhythm method of birth control and the effects of the push-up bra on the male libido, will add an additional 36 billion  (that's a whole bunch) pounds of weight in the United States (conservative estimate). Considering the size of the United States, I do not expect it to sink into the oceans, at least not right away and then not even all of it. A more serious and likely scenario, is the additional weight putting such a strain on the Earth that gravity will be affected and imbalance of weight will slow the rotation of the Earth, slowing it and allowing the gravity of the Sun to pull the Earth into a closer orbit. This lower orbit will result in more sunlight reaching the Earth and indirectly contributing to global warming. While only a temporary condition, the Earth is not expected to completely recover, the most widely accepted belief is that the decaying orbit will accelerate spiraling the Earth into the Sun. Effectively extinguishing all life except for a few African cockroaches.

It saddened me that so many of you have expressed disbelief and even derision in regards to the facts I have so carefully made up. Obviously you have been prejudiced by jealous, misguided and ignorant lackeys of big business. Hopeless as it may seem, I shall continue my crusade in a perhaps futile attempt to save our Earth. At least until someone offers me enough money to revise my facts.

MorriCat
Fearless crusader of truth

HIGHER EDUCATION

GET YOUR MOJO WORKING

     Were you aware that Harvard has hundreds of freezers in its basement containing over 100,000 toenail clippings? They claim the purpose of this collection is the study of diseases such as ovarian cancer and Ephelis.  Pashaw, I find this highly unlikely, toenails are about as far from the ovaries as you can get on the body, and Ephelis requires amputation of any affected area. A more plausible  theory is that they are using the clippings to enhance their Voodoo studies. Their collection of hair snippets from student's ponytails is further confirmation of this theory. How often have you passed a young lady on the street with a lopsided ponytail, never suspecting she could be a Harvard student? Make a closer examination next time, she could have been victimized by the Harvard hair thieves (not really thieves, but underemployed hairdressers, who have gone rogue).

     Considering the numerous secret societies at Harvard, you should not be surprised to find one dedicated to Voodoo. How this nefarious practice has been  hidden from the public for the past four decades is a mystery to me. The shroud of secrecy surrounding the activities at this alleged institution of higher learning is on par with that of the NSA the CIA and only surpassed by the operating instructions for Google's apps. We suspect that the CIA and NSA may also be interested in Voodoo. It goes without saying that Google has apps for everything.

     Many people are still unaware of rumours that Harvard has more Voodoo students graduate than any school outside of Louisiana. Enhancements from Voodoo is a plausible explanation for Harvard's reputation as the premier medical and business school.

     I am appalled that the major media outlets in the United States have failed to uncover this nefarious practice.  Someone has missed out on a Pulitizer Prize. Or perhaps they have known, but the threats of voodoo curses have discouraged them from publishing. I understand their hesitation, as Voodoo curses can be quite frightening, especially something like the Curse of the Seven Black Jinns.

     My usual assemblage of unreliable sources have suggested that Harvard may be one of the major markets for Voodoo charms, gris-gris, amulets and other paraphernalia. With their stockpile of toenail clippings and snippets of hair they command a leading position in the Voodoo community.

     It is unknown how many Vodouisants, Houngans, Mambos, and practitioners of Obeah are members of the Harvard faculty. We suspect they number in the hundreds if not thousands. Well, maybe not thousands but a bunch.

     I am gravely worried, since beginning this article mysterious and frightening events have occurred. Chicken heads found nailed to my doors, mojo bags on my doorstep, the toilet bowl is full of bloodshot eyeballs,  and  black candles are stuck to skulls burning on my dining table. Overnight a complete Victorian cemetery appeared on the vacant lot next door. I do mean complete, fog, moss trailing from the trees, evil laughter and baleful wailing at all hours of the night. It is eminently possible that I may not be here to receive the Pulitizer prize.  Prehaps one of the wizards from Yale will step forward to continue my endeavors. Where is George Bush when  you need him?


Professor Morri
Shoe repair specialist and Houngan

BEAN SOUP

LISTEN TO THE THUNDER

     Are you desperate to achieve weight loss? Do you want to lose weight without dieting or exercise? If that is your goal, we recommend TOOT-C, a compoundof bean juice extract and fermented cabbage. Use TOOT-C and you can expect a mystical experience.

     Bean Juice Extract works by increasing the propensity of flatulence, and the fermented cabbage enhances the effect. According to Internet wisdom, a fart expends 67 calories. It is an established scientific fact that to lose a pound you must either decrease your calorie intake by 3500 calories, or expend 3500 calories by exercise or other activity. We advocate flatulence as that activity. It would require little training and very little effort on your part.

     Assuming that 67 calories are burned by each fart to be true, 52 farts would burn about 3500 calories, enough to burn one pound of fat. So far, scientific testing has been inconclusive as to the validity of these claims. Nevertheless scientists have refused to endorses the claim that farts burn 67 calories (these are some of the same scientists who contend that the Earth is not flat). Inquiries of several congressmen garnered only guarded responses, that there was better uses for hot air. You should draw your own conclusions, but I ask you. Who are you going to believe, a bunch of ivory tower dwelling scientists obsessed with global warming, your congressman or a snake oil salesman intent on perpetuating an Internet myth?

     Only 3 teaspoons of TOOT-C in a glass of water each morning is guaranteed to produce instant results. Over 12 million bottles sold. Mostly sold to teenage boys who mistakenly believed they could impress their girlfriends. If you use TOOT-C immediately before attending a social function you will find out who your true friends are. We assure you, continuing use of TOOT-C will change your life. Talk to your doctor about TOOT-C, it will brighten his day, he can use a good laugh.

     Curious about possible side effects? They include, constipation, Ephelis, diarrhea, decrease in intimacy,  ingrown toenails, stained underwear, erectile dysfunction, social rejection, bad breath, global warming, an uncontrollable desire for serious conversations with turnips. Death is not a common result, but many people may believe you have died. Do not use TOOT-C if you are sane, have ever been sane, or plan to be sane someday.

     Users of TOOT-C have been ecstatic over their results. Many have reported significant weight loss, in most cases much more than expected. Unexpected benefits such as departure of unwelcome house guests, and significant others leaving. Remarkable decreases in entertainment expenses can be expected. As a birth control method TOOT-C is unsurpassed, it is probably the most effective method of encouraging abstinence in teenagers.

     We think everyone should use TOOT-C, after you use it you will too.

MorriCat 

Chief Pharmacist 

Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group LTD

"Better living through chemistry"

THE PERFECT GIFT

PRODUCT REVIEW for ELECTRIC UNDERWEAR

Read this before you buy. An informed consumer is a wise consumer. The fast growing fad of Electric Underwear has reached unprecedented levels in the fashion world. Pundits are amazed at the speed of growth for this trend. Millions or at least hundreds of teenagers, who all want to be different have embraced this latest fashion. One can not watch a reality TV show without seeing someone wearing Electric Underwear. Many performances of musicians or jugglers will feature someone wearing Electric Underwear.

For your benefit we have tested and evaluated offerings from the three leading companies. Although all have similar designs in the finished product, each has perused different technologies.

Panda has great design and outstanding colors. Their power supply seems rather outdated and awkward. Although versatile, it uses either 120 volt or 240 volt AC, the power cord is only 12 feet long. There is an optional 250 foot extension, all in all a cumbersome system. One of our testers had a slight mishap and slipped into the swimming pool. Not a pretty sight. Services will be held Saturday at Maxwell' Mortuary and Garage. It will be a closed casket. If you should choose to go with Panda, we suggest avoiding rivers and thunderstorms. Incontinence could be a problem too. We apologize for the shortness of this review, but our testers all threatened to resign.

The second product we tested, is produced by Factory and Army Surplus, they are apparently owned by a group of Luddites. Their product is cheaply made, simple unisex design and one size fits all. Color selections are minimal, only three choices, Olive drab, Faded brown (with spots) and Camouflage. Some of our male testers had difficulty with the bra, removal was not a problem, but several did not know how to put it on. Every tester expressed displeasure concerning the power supply. Admittedly the two Mack truck batteries were heavy and did not fit comfortably in their backpack, but most people should be able to attach the alligator clips easily with a little instruction. We advise people with lots of body piercings to avoid this product. Some of the units we tested were marked REJECTED by GSA, familiar with the high standards of our government some of our testers resigned rather than continue. A plus in features were the clips to fastening body armor.

The third and final offering is from Gobble Services. A well made product, pleasing design and great selection of colors. The colors are all florescent, including, green, pink, yellow, blue, white, black and olive. Sizes range from really tiny to enormous. It is best to try on before buying, as the marked sizes are not accurate. It is fortunate that the product is attractive, since it is solar-powered, and needs to be worn as the outer layer of clothing. There was a little grumbling by our testers about the electrodes attached to their various body parts, and the requirement to use candles at night to maintain the solar power was a concern for some. Useful features are a USB port for charging your cellphone and WIFI capabilities. We were assured that the data being broadcast was secure, being used mostly for advertising purposes, with on only the juicer items sold to the media.

Our testers were unanimous in the opinion that all three offerings were absolutely useless and overpriced. Although they could think of no earthly use for Electric Underwear, there was reluctant admission that they would consider buying it as a gift for a friends that they didn't like. Of these three choices we are giving the nod to Factory and Army Surplus, if only because of the kickback they gave us. Be advised, avoid like the plague cheap knockoffs from fly- by- night companies using cheap labor. These products are bad enough as it is.

For this holiday season I recommend Electric Underwear for all your gift giving. Those Christmas wish lists are just interesting reading and maybe good for a few laughs, but would you seriously consider a new car for your teenager or a 5 caret diamond ring for your wife? After all they are only giving you a pair of socks or a frilly nightgown. Save stress, order Electric Underwear for everyone. It can be bought online and delivered directly to your door In a plain brown wrapper. No need to wait for Santa on December 24th to squeeze down the chimney with a bag full of gifts, most of which are the wrong size, wrong color, inappropriate for the gender or the age of the recipient. Please do not let yourself be influenced by the impracticability and uselessness of the products.





MorriCat

President, Black Cat Product Reviews.

11/16/2015

OBAMACARE DOESN'T COVER THIS

A PLAGUE OF EPHELIS

     Do you suffer from Ephelis? Are you ashamed to be seen in public? Has been over 6 months since you have had a date? Do you use an alias when you talk to your friends on the phone? You are not alone millions of people worldwide are afflicted by this debilitating condition. Ephelis has been around for centuries, and has long been a plague on fair skinned people. Scientists are not certain how Ephelis is spread, however, the prevalent opinion is that is spread through sexual contact.

     If you have Ephelis or suspect you have been in contact with anyone who has Ephelis, ask your doctor about Nocebo. This modern miracle drug, recently developed by Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group Ltd, is unquestionably the most efficacious treatment for Ephelis. Previously the only way to alleviate the effects of Ephelis was to avoid exposure to sunlight. Many teenage boys still advocate this method as it allows them to sleep until noon or later. If you do not like to sleep all day, or the goth lifestyle does not appeal to you, Nocebo may be your solution.

     You should stop taking Nocebo and call your doctor if your hair turns red and you begin speaking with a brogue. You should avoid the consumption of Irish whiskey while taking Nocebo. If you are pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant or know anyone who may become pregnant or who has been pregnant in the past you should not use Nocebo, but we will sell it to you anyway. Use of Nocebo frequently results in ingrown toenails, kidney and liver failure. You should avoid heavy lifting, use of machinery, wearing of galoshes or rational thoughts while using Nocebo. I would discount any rumors of death or broken legs being caused by Nocebo.

     Ethical and legal concerns have prevented many doctors from prescribing Nocebo. Surveys of several pharmacies have found a reluctance to dispense Nocebo. Initially we had concerns that these attitudes would present difficulties in selling and delivering our product. We were pleasantly surprised to find an established network of eager and accomplished entrepreneurs similar to Amway distributors, to market our product. We believe you will love Nocebo as much as we do. We are so confident that you will like Nocebo that we are offering a limited free trial for the next week. Become one of the millions that have already tried it, are highly satisfied and now report that they cannot live without it.

     Remember, Nocebo is not sold in stores. To get your free trial, just call the number on your screen, have your credit card (or someone else's credit card) ready, you will only be charged $7.99 for shipping, handling and a contribution for bail bond. We do not keep you information, we send it as usual to our associates in Nigeria within the hour. Can't wait? You can find one of our many distributors on almost any street corner or at most Hollywood parties. Just look for the skinny kid wearing baggy pants and a gray hoodie. Discounts are given for cash.

     We do not recommend the use of Nocebo for weight loss, although many of our customers report significant loss of weight, probably because they could not afford food after paying for the Nocebo. Some of our more misguided customers are of the belief that Nocebo will alleviate the symptoms of Peutz-Jeghers Syndrome. There are reports of incidents of increased body odor when using Nocebo.

     Not always lethal, at least not immediately, Ephelis can be unpleasant, undesirable and embarrassing. Nocebo can help if anything can. Get your free trial now. Interesting side effects of Nocebo have included, improved detection of colors (many previously unknown), visions and conversations with sugar plums and other mystical creatures. We still contend that there are health benefits to the uncontrollable desire to experience a colonoscopy. Our previous ad agency had made several unsustainable claims. Nocebo will not make you faster than a speeding bullet, lab test have definitely confirmed this. The claim that users were able to leap tall buildings was slightly exaggerated, the buildings being used were from a doll house and our testers still had problems clearing them in a single leap. Likewise the propensity to indulge in a single glass of Irish whiskey several times a day has not been proven to be connected to the use of Nocebo.

     FDA approval has been withheld pending further testing. To date no animals have been harmed by the testing. Since there have been hints that sanitary standards may be a concern, we are removing the chicken breeding operation from the factory next week.

     Even if you are not at present suffering from Ephelis, I recommend that you purchase your supply of Nocebo now, before the FDA and the DEA shuts us down. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

MorriCat

Chief Pharmacist

Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group Ltd

"Better living with chemistry"

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO

                                   TOILETS TO GO  

                           
Running late? Your teenage daughter just beat you to the bathroom? You needed to leave 20 minutes ago? Toilet stopped up and flooded the bathroom? Lost your key to the executive washroom? No hot water? Reluctant to share one of the coarse communal structures commonly used by the vast unwashed masses and found at construction sites or in rows at outdoor concerts, fairs or fishing contests.

Do not despair, MorriCat & Sons has the solution. Our company, THE ROYAL FLUSH, “for the man in a hurry” supplies a truly mobile restroom. Experience a unique and memorial event. We can make it happen.

Luxurious, some would say, even ostentatious, our fleet of mobile restrooms are built using customized Mercedes-Benz Sprinters. Our clients have expressed their approval of the new Art Deco exteriors as an improvement over the previous design of Early American Trailer Park, their excitement over the automatic sliding moon roof and sun deck is extremely gratifying. The interior features marble floors, granite counter-tops, 24K solid gold fixtures, crystal chandeliers, mahogany wood trim, towel warmers, barber chair, wet bar, 42 inch LCD TV, whirlpool tub and steam shower. A spiral staircase leads to the upper sun deck and hot tub. In response to requests from our previous clients, we have replaced the picture window by the whirlpool tub with one way glass. Our apologies to anyone who experienced embarrassment due to incidences before we corrected the orientation of the glass. Send us your name and address and we will share the profits from the advertising on the You Tube videos.

We really like to pamper our clients, we are available 24 hours a day, seven (7) days a week, each mobile restroom is staffed with either a butler or maid, a barber or hairdresser, manicurist, masseur and elderly cleaning lady (complete with authentic period clothing, and a large wart on her nose, she is equipped with a mop, bowl brush, air freshener, and tip jar).

No longer will you have to wait for your daughter to finish in the bathroom, Executive washroom “pshaw” your carriage awaits. Not for you sharing those tiny little cubicles with the great hoard of unwashed masses at public events. Consider the envy you will elicit when you arrive at the entrance of your country club for the Fall Festival Ball, in the 36 foot long bright yellow Mercedes-Benz Sprinter adorned with decals depicting golden commodes on each side and a 12 foot toilet bowl plunger on the roof. Ignore and snickers or snide remarks, these people are as old as you, wait about 3 hours, that's when the over-active bladders and prostate troubles really show their affects.

Is our service expensive? You better believe it, fortunately our clients are very rich, really, really, really rich, also they are very patriotic and subscribe to the trickle down theory of economics. Or it may be that they are just dumb. Never the less we happily take their money. We are non-discriminatory, we take anyone's money regardless of race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation or species. Call now for an unforgettable experience.

MorriCat
CEO and President, THE ROYAL FLUSH CO LTD

Franchises available.

SUPER MOON

CHICKEN LITTLE WAS RIGHT

The sky is falling, yes I said the sky is falling. The more observant of you may have noticed that the Moon has been increasing in size for the last few days. Already there has been an apparent 14% increase in the size of the moon. This is the result of the moon falling toward the earth. When the Moon finally strikes the earth this will be an unparalleled disaster, forget global warming, forget floods, forget famines, forget plagues and war, this is really bad, this is not something that happens every day. This will be a catastrophe comparable to the closing of every Starbucks in North America.

NASA has been appraised of this situation, however, to date they have been in denial, and have refrained from informing the public of the gravity of this situation. Repeated attempts to contact anyone at NASA have been futile. An anonymous employee (possibly the janitor), had no comment, but advised us to submit a FOIA request when the office reopened.

Congress was more help. Promises were obtained to form a committee to study the predicament as soon as they finished balance the budget. We are looking for a volunteer to hold their finger in the fire while this is happening. Further inquires gained a more definite timetable, although we are still not exactly sure when Hell is expected to freeze over.

As a proactive measure we have formed a Blue Ribbon Committee, consisting of many disgraced members of the Congress, former presidential aspirants, under-employed radio talk show hosts, and several noted Astrologists. A plan was quickly formed and agreed on unanimously. Pennies were collected from school children all over the world, and widows and orphans trust funds were raided. The funds raised, less a small percentage for administrative costs were applied to arranging for the Earth to pass between the Sun and the Moon creating a total eclipse of the Moon,

It is theorized that the Earth will block the gravitational pull of the Sun allowing the Moon to rebound and resume its natural orbit. In the unlikely event that this does not happen all funds will be returned to the donors, less any administrative costs and attorneys fees.

We hope you will take the opportunity to observe this unique event. The show will start shortly after sundown, on Sunday September 27^th. The spectacle will be visible everywhere in North America, with the exception of Kansas, which chose not to participate. Rain date will be October 3^rd. All are invited to attend, a small donation is requested for standing room, box seats are available for lots of money. Don't miss it. Refreshments are available for a fee.

MorriCat 

APPRENTICE SEER and SHOE REPAIR MASTER

HELP WANTED

                 

              BETTER  THAN MINIMUM WAGE?

Have you ever considered thinking before you speak?

If your answer is no the Republican National Committee is looking for presidential candidates.

HEALTH TIP # 1

                   

                             CONSTIPATED?

For those of you suffering from acute and chronic constipation, this simple and natural household hint will provide immediate and complete relief.

There is no need to resort to expensive commercial products which in many cases have undesirable side effects,  some even being toxic.

MorrICat recommends a gentler more natural solution.  Simply substitute Milk of Magnesia for cows milk in your diet. You will be pleasantly surprised at the immediate relief.

For extremely stubborn cases you may want to enjoy a balsamic vinegar and hot pepper chili oil enema. If you do not have balsamic vinegar you can always substitute rubbing alcohol.

MorriCat
Homeopathy guru

WATERPROOF

OBAMA RESPONSIBLE FOR DROUGHT IN CALIFORNIA? 

     Obama's legacy is now assured. In a rare display of bipartisanship, house speaker John Boehner cedited President Obama with creating the California drought. There was some concern that the drought may have exceeded expectations. The National Weather Service reports that this is the most severe drought in 1200 years.

     Regretfully,  pushback from the younger more conservative members of the speakers party was swift and intense. A bill was quickly drafted, consisting of 170 pages of unintelligible dribble, which in essence required President Obama to restart the rain and continue it for forty days and forty nights.

     To the great disappointment of his many doubters,  our dauntless leader, in a rare stroke of competency, proceeded with the commencement of a deluge in southern California, not see for over 4000 years.  One would expect people to be overjoyed to have a little much-needed rain. Not so, the uproar can be heard all the way to the moon.  Perhaps our elected representatives would have been better advised to have consulted the scientific community or at least listened to their constituents in California.

     Regrettably the damage is done, we can look forward to forty days and forty nights of torrential rains, soaking California.  A likely outcome of this torrid drizzle is likely  the subsiding of the entire west coast into the Pacific Ocean. Oceanographers predict the new coastline will be in Kansas.

     It is our fervent hope that a judge sympathetic to dry weather can be found to issue an order to halt the rain or at least delay the implementation of this law. Usually optimistic, I must confess that I see little prospect for this.

     As side note, both the Los Angeles Dodgers and the San Diego Padres were forced to cancel games. This did not deter 20000 diehard fans in San Diego from entering the stadium. When it was pointed out that the game was called because of rain, some were adamant that it never rained in southern California. Many failed to notice that there was no game.

MorriCat  LBC
CEO Western Umbrella Company

WATCH THE POT

HOW TO BOIL WATER

Step 1:  Fill small pot with water.

Step 2:  Remove one tablespoon of water from the pot.

Step 3:  Place pot with remaining water on stove top.

Step 4:  Watch pot until it boils or for 30 minutes whichever is less.

Water should be briskly boiling, if not carefully review steps.

Did you fill the pot completely? 

Did you remove exactly one tablespoon of water?

Did you place the pot on the stovetop?

OOPS! Slight correction. Please add Step 3a: Turn on burner.

Continue to Step 4.

Now you should have a pot of boiling water for your personal use.

Later posts on this site will examine some of the uses of boiling water.

How do you recognize boiling water? Well might you ask. Most men have limited experience in the kitchen, and need to be trained.

The easiest way to recognize when the water is boiling is to ask a woman. If no woman is available, you may  be able to find information on Google, however, I would recommend that you turn off the stove and go to a restaurant.

MorriCat
Executive chef

HAVE A BALL

JUGGLING

I am heartened with the resurgence of interest for juggling in this country. It has long been puzzling to many people that juggling acts have not been more accessible on the media, especially on radio. The sports section of my local newspaper has been remiss in reporting the results of juggling matches, so much so that I am considering canceling my subscription.

For many years I have spent untold sleepless nights searching through the radio dial trying to find even a snippet of a juggling act. Alas, it was always to no avail, all I could find were reruns of high school football games, conservative talk radio shows and traffic reports from Los Angeles.

It is understandable why juggling fans have been underserved for so long. Historical jugglers were perceived as scruffy, illiterate, lazy, and shiftless deadbeats. I must express disagreement with this description as I do not believe it to be complete. A better description would add, practitioners of witchcraft and shoe repair, or even members of congress.

A brief history of juggling.

Juggling is not a Johnny-come-lately, sport or art. Archaeologists have found evidence of juggling in ancient Egypt, where many jugglers have been found buried in tombs along with their pharaohs. Jugglers were fairly high in social status in ancient Egypt. They were considered just below the pharaoh, cats and onions, but above money lenders, priests, and other social pariahs.

In ancient Greece it was common to find many women jugglers. This was perhaps one of the first instances of equality of the sexes. Previously all jugglers had been either men or bears. These females, shameless hussies as they may have been, were required to be virgins or to have been virgins at one time. Some jugglers would supplement their income by posing for artists e who would depict them on works of pottery, such as vases or platters. Monetarily Greece has now fallen on hard times, consequently juggling is no longer practiced and only depictions of jugglers on shards of pottery remain. Selling these shards is now one of the major sources of income for many Greeks.

There was a brief revival of juggling concurrent with the Spanish Inquisition. Many jugglers at that time found work entertaining large crowds at religious functions. These were not long lasting or well paying gigs as many performers left the profession for unexplained reasons during that period. Often a juggler would be accused of witchcraft and questioned gently to give him the opportunity to confess. Many saw the error of their ways repented and converted. Repentance and conversion did not preclude them from continued entertainment of the crowd by being burned at a stake which further diminished the ranks of the jugglers.

Medieval times found jugglers being kept by kings, nobles and rich merchants. A juggler fortunate enough to obtain one of these positions had a fairly good life. They were not required to do any real work, they got to eat and sleep with the dogs and clowns, and they were usually provided with a nifty multicolored uniform. A nimble and clever juggler could often when juggling food items, purloin a few eggs or dinner rolls, there is even a legend of a juggler who would juggle 4 full mugs of ale, sipping continuously.

Jugglers and their compatriots the clowns were originally barred from entry into the United States. However, in the mid 1800's, enterprising circus proprietors and call center operators managed to smuggle several jugglers and clowns through Canada and into the United States. Once established in the United States, they were protected by zealous social workers and immigration attorneys. They were provide jobs by unscrupulous circus operators, who claimed that Americans did not want to do 'that' work. There appear to be no natural predators of jugglers in the United States, consequently, once here they procreated prodigiously and since have driven out the native Americans, forcing them to move to Oklahoma. It has been theorized that the multitude of jugglers contributed to causing the Civil War.

Recent enhancements in the acceptability of jugglers has raised their social status and brought awareness of juggling as a sport and an art form. No longer ostracized, at least not in the United States, young jugglers no longer need to hide in the closet when practicing their art. Many fathers have affirmed that they would not object to their daughter marrying a juggler. Several college athletic conferences have adopted juggling as a varsity sport. The National Juggling Association will begin with 6 teams next Spring, expected to grow to 8 teams the following season. Validation of the acceptance of juggling is suspensions put on the Florida State University by the NCAA for recruiting violations, and several jugglers disqualified from the US Olympic team for use of performance enhancing drugs. Today it was confirmed that NBC will have a juggling reality show in their Fall lineup. Dancing With the Stars and America's got Talent are both actively recruiting jugglers as contestants.

Mothers are you distressed because your son does not have the ability to become a star football player or a champion ballet dancer? Rejoice! America needs new jugglers. Many opportunities exist in the juggling field, don't miss out. Get some balls for your kid and send him to juggling camp. He may become the Bill Gates of juggling, give him a chance. All he needs is some balls.

MorriCat, SBC

Director:  Master Juggling, Witchcraft and Shoe Repair Camp

HOUSEHOLD HINT #2

CLOTHES DRYER SUBSTITUTE 

Need to dry your laundry? You just finished mixing a load of concrete in your clothes dryer and forgot to clean it? 

If you have a large microwave oven with a turntable, you can place your laundry inside and microwave on high for 10 minutes. It may be even quicker if you have clothes with lots of metal decorations.

MorriCat

Homemaker Maven

Watch for more household hints from MorriCat.

POLICE REPORT

City Of Marble June 16th

9:00 AM Driver of semi-truck with 60 foot trailer, inquired of best route to Crested Butte, I checked GPS and directed him up Daniels Hill and through Crystal. Felt nice to begin day with a good deed.

9:45 AM Report of bear riffling through trash cans on Main Street. I found Fluffy Bear, age unknown, address unknown, arrested him for vagrancy. He was later released on personal recognizance.

10:55 AM stopped for complimentary donuts and coffee at Second Street Coffee Shop.

11:15 visit to emergency room, had stomach pumped. Called health department and posted complaint about Second Street Coffee Shop.

1:30 PM Fat lady reported speeding on bicycle near Silver Street. A high speed chase ensued, and Miss Bernice Johnson age 87, of River City, Iowa apprehended and charged with resisting arrest and having excessively large thighs.

3:00 PM Arrested Starbuck the dog for urinating in public. Issued a citation and released her to the custody of  her parents. She has requested a jury trial. We are currently trying to assemble a jury of her peers.

4:15 PM received report of chicken crossing road, found Chicken Little in a confused state on the north side of road. Could not determine why she crossed the road, ticketed her for Jay walking. Later found good recipe for chicken soup.

6:00 PM Attacked by familiar looking, rabid, semi-truck driver, ripped clothing, covered with scratches and blood. He was wielding a large jack handle and screaming incoherently, something about worst #@!!###%**!! highway in the world, devil's punch bowl and $200,000 truck completely destroyed. I was able to calm him by applying several shocks from my Taser then sent him to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

6:30 PM Captured runaway pig in vicinity of 2nd and Main St, highly agitated, squealing,  constantly giggling and delusional, claiming to be the Mayor of Flint Michigan , after I consigned her to the custody of the chef at Slow Groovin' BBQ. He was apparently able to calm her as the squealing soon ceased. I plan to check on her tonight at dinner.

7:00 PM Domestic disturbance reported at Meg and John Blackburn residence,   I  investigated and arrested little Billy Blackburn age 10, for failure to eat all his vegetables. He is being held without bail and placed in the pillory until the circuit judge arrives next week.

7:30 PM rolled up sidewalks and extinguished the street lamps. Another productive day.  I congratulated myself on keeping the good citizens of the City of Marble safe from felons, highwaymen, social workers and other despicable persons for another day.

MorriCat
Chief Constable and Dustbin Cleaner for the City of Marble
6/16/2015

SWITCHEROO

GENDER CHANGE WITHOUT SURGERY

     Gender Identity Switching is here to stay. Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months you should be well aware of that. Even Fox News has ran stories about Gender switching. Transgender transformations have a long history in the United States. In the late 1960's many young men, rather than migrate to Canada, used gender transformations to avoid the draft. There have been several rumors that some public figures have used gender transformation to enhance their political aspirations. One recent President used gender identity switching as a defense, when he said "I did not have sex with that 'woman'."

     For those of you who may be delaying your gender change, due to the prospect of facing a long and painful surgery. Your wait may now be shorter than you had anticipated.

     Recent advances in medical science, is making Gender Changing Surgery obsolete. Dr Morri Katt (not a real doctor), of the Institute of Transgender Identity and Shoe Repair, has developed a system to facilitate the transforming of sexual identity, from male to female or from female to male. If you have other preferences you can speak with our counselors. Do you feel you are trapped in the wrong gender? Or do you just want to try a different gender for a change. Dr Katt's newly developed procedures will help change your life. Bring the inner you to the top. Experience a different view of life. Put the zest back in your marriage. Gender changing can open up new opportunities in the workplace. Are you hitting your head on the glass ceiling? Tired of women getting all the juicy promotions? Go for it, apply for gender change today. What have you to lose?

     Our procedure requires no surgery. Dr Katt's experiments determined that gender identity is primarily a state of mind. Our procedure is based on a regime of strict diet, exercise, meditation, political activism, Voodoo and unconventional uses of common household products. This procedure is less invasive than surgery, less painful and if you are concerned about cost it is slightly less expensive. This is you opportunity to become one of thousands, if not hundreds of our satisfied clients in the transgender community. We will cheerfully return you money if it is not satisfactory.

     Concerned about safety? We're not, all we want to do is make money. We have not been approved by the FDA and do not expect to be. We did perform some testing, but we were forced to stop as several rabbits were harmed, if not physically then psychologically (several resisted wearing lipstick).  Unlike surgery, our procedures are easily reversed.

     For the really adventurous we are recruiting beta testers for our new species transformation program. Before you change you should study the benefits, and drawbacks of your new species. There is to be expected some danger in changing species. One of our testers who changed into deer, is now in a meat locker someplace in Colorado. Another tester we changed into a Republican,and he is now a talk radio host. Other that those two all have been successful. We feel with this programs that the opportunities are unlimited. Don't miss the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this rare opportunity.

     Some of you who are reading this may not be in the market currently for a gender change, please be aware that we also offer shoe repair at reasonable rates.

MorriCat

Life Style Counselor 

BITTER COFFEE

NOT STARBUCKS

     Recently several people have commented on the quality of my coffee. For those of you that asked, no, I do not put turpentine in the coffee (you are probably tasting the weed killer). And yes, I know some people who have used it as a laxative. But the primary use has been as a dental adhesive. If there is a dire necessity, it will make a passable nail polish remover.

     In response to several comments and threats of physical violence, I have compiled the results of last week's survey. It was unnecessary to wrap the completed survey around a rock and deliver it through the window. The ones stuck to the wall with a dagger were sufficient. And thanks for the burning cross, I was able to roast an entire package of hotdogs. To the person or persons responsible for the graffiti on the walls, I believe death has only one "e" in it. And, did you really intend to capitalize "scumbag"?

     One survey stood out from the rest, I believe it was more accurate than the others. The average  rating was 3/4 stars, one customer gave us three stars, two more than the average. His comment was "Better than Mom's". I am certain it is a coincidence, but we are missing one cup of vinegar. Another commented on the texture of the drink saying "First time I ever broke a tooth while drinking a cup of coffee." I believe the person who claimed that drinking gravel would have been smother, slightly exaggerated

     Now, I know what my customers want, but I am staying in town anyway. Extensive technical research enabled us to develop a better product. I no longer need to burn my socks when disposing them, I find the different colors have distinctive flavors. Our coffee is now available in seven different flavors, there is some debate as to the validity of  rancid as a flavor, but my personal favorite is the extra crunchy. Putrid is more a description than a flavor, consequentially we are removing it from the selections.

     Update on the socks, I have never owned green socks, that may have been either mold or pond scum. Nevertheless it produced a very popular flavor, two people actually took a second sip.

     We have many loyal customers, who have continued with us through our initial growing pains. Often at the expense of their health and sanity. Rewarding our loyal customers is our priority. We have introduced at all our stores, for a limited time, free coffee, only charging for use of toilets and medical services. This has proved to be a successful business model and we are considering the extension of the promotion. Conceding to the requests and threats from our customers, we will, (for a fee) clean the stomach pumps after each use. A last word of caution, our wait-staff have all been issued concealed carry permits.  I recommend that you consider the implications of this when tipping.

MorriCat

Barista Nonpareil

Proprietor, 2nd Street Coffee Shops

Coming soon to your town.

IN A PIGS EYE

GIGGLES THE PIG

CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF

FLINT MICHIGAN

"Bring pork back to politics"

MorriCat has completed extensive research on the qualifications of each of the three candidates for mayor of Flint Michigan and determined that Giggles the Pig, is the most qualified of the three declared candidates for mayor of Flint, Michigan this year. Unlike the other candidates, she has had no felony convictions and is not required to wear an ankle bracelet. MorriCat does not believe that the lack of felony convictions or the non-requirement to wear an ankle bracelets should be considered a determent. The allegations that she has engaged in pork barrel politics are completely unfounded. Her biggest drawback is her highly developed moral standard, and honesty, often considered a liability to a politician. Giggles is running as an independent on a platform of animal rights, and is currently ahead in the polls.

During the latest heated debate between the candidates, The other candidates threatened to barbecue Giggles, she shut them up with the ladylike response of:  'Oink, Oink' .

I know most of you will agree with me that the political environment in this country needs to be reformed, and we believe Giggles is the one who can do it.  Please, your support is needed, send money, or volunteer your time, come to Flint now, knock on doors, hand out pamphlets.  We need workers in all neighborhoods, Giggles the Pig is currently ahead in the polls, but we cannot become complacent, that can change as voters are fickle. We believe that what Flint needs is more pork, and Giggles can and will deliver.

MorriCat

Chairman, Animal Rights Party.

LIFE STYLE COUNSELOR

The Fast Track

______________________________________________________________________________

The following is an open letter to my favorite nephew, extolling excellent advice aimed at improving his chances of success in life. Many of you may criticize me for this blatant use of this forum to promote my commercial activities, however, consider, the quality of the advice portrayed, and consider you may know someone who can benefit from my advice and experience. You must not feel shy about referring them to me. I will be accepting a limited number of qualified new clients (or anyone willing to pay}.

______________________________________________________________________________

Dearest Nephew

I am concerned and saddened that you seem to be lacking direction in your life. Please, there are always challenges for young people. Life is not earned, but is a basic right, along with liberty and the right to play video games. You must learn  to set goals.

I know it is difficult to set goals, but  at least start, begin with an easy long term plan, such as setting your alarm clock, or choosing your dinner entree. If your expectations decrease your prospects for happiness increase.

As you should be aware I have recently became certified as a life style consultant (online degree from the School of the Americas) . There seems to be a great need for my services among young people today. Two of the greatest handicaps of teenage boys today are ignorance and stupidity. I have developed a cure for ignorance, albeit it is slow and painful. To date, stupidity has resisted all procedures which we have tried, among the most promising techniques, were removal of fingernails followed by soaking of the hand in an alcohol bath.

Eighteen hours of exposure to Barry Manilow tunes showed some promise, but an unwelcome side effect resulted from the International Court threatening us with prosecution for war crimes. Has forced us to cancel this promising  treatment.

If you will complete this brief survey I will be able to develop the ideal lifestyle plan for you.

1.  Do you know which wine to serve with potato chips? (do not skip this question it is worth 14  points).
2.  If you were offered the opportunity to visit Oklahoma would you go? Please write a 600 word  essay defending your          decision.
3.  Proceed to Oklahoma, do not pass go, if you land on Boardwalk pay double rent.
4.  By definition, cabbage is a color, is it more important than extra virgin olive oil?
5.  If you fall off the turnip truck will you be any smarter?
6.   Did you realize that by reading this question you have lost 16 points?

Please check all that apply.

     □ You answered all 10 questions correctly.
       □ I lost my pencil
       □ I plan to marry a cabbage.
       □ Eleven is the correct answer.
       □ If I promise to wear socks, do I get the job?
       □ Ingrown toenails are fun.
       □ Do you think the hamster is pregnant?
       □ A true conservative is against, not only same sex marriage, but same species marriage. 

If you have answered any of the preceding, correctly you are a complete idiot.
Any other score and you are an incomplete idiot.

Thank you for completing the survey, as this is a true scientific study, I shall now proceed to ignore you answers, as they were all incorrect anyway.

After consuming several bowls of strawberries and warm cream, and then rolling in a bed of fresh catnip, I was inspired to compose a plan tailored just for you.

Taking into consideration your short attention span and intense desire to avoid any meaningful work. I recommend a course of instruction at the East Reno Beauty Academy. After graduation, you will need to acquire a new wardrobe, recommendations include, white wellington boots, very tight white leather pants (worn low around the hips), no shirt, a short white leather vest (worn unbuttoned), you will need to shave you head and grow a shaggy mustache, wear an earring in your right ear lobe, either large gold hoop or silver cross inscribed with miniature skulls. A tattoo on your left bicep is necessary, I recommend, CAROL with the addition of a small rose centered on a scroll underneath.
Marketing  is essential, you must call yourself Alexander, no last name, no title, just Alexander (do not allow anyone to use a diminutive version). Your target market  consist of bored housewives who are over 40, and rich young women married to older men. Of course you need to advertise, remember just use the one name, Alexander, you can claim to be direct from Hollywood, Paris and Rome. It will be necessary to cultivate a French, German or Russian accent. Make sure you charge appropriately, (at least twice as much as next most expensive), an attitude of arrogance will b e helpful, remember you are the master you have the skills, the customer is never right. As you may not be able to make everyone look beautiful, it may be prudent to remover all mirrors from you shop.  Just one additional hint, some clients may admire your wardrobe and desire to examine your buttocks, when this happen you can expect your tips and other benefits  to increase significantly.

Scoff not, nor disregard these suggestions, apply yourself and you will have the opportunity to visit exotic places, drive expensive automobiles and own fine jewelry.

Remember, ignorance is treatable, and curable, stupidity is treatable also, but it is not curable.

MorriCat,
CEO,
MorriCat and Sons
Lifestyle Counselor Par Excellence

SAVE THE ICE

Household Hint  #1

For ease of removal of ice cubes from trays, coat trays with extra virgin olive oil before filling with water.

 

Watch for more useful household hints from Morri.

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY

THE BEAR HUNT

     Many of you have remarked on my absence from this venue of late. A plethora of comments abounded. Examples ranged from, "Our prayers have been answered.",  "The lobotomy must have worked.", "I think he's in Syria fighting for ISIS." , "Our children are safe", To the unkindest cut of all, "Morri who?"

     Regrettably I must inform you that for the past four months I have been recuperating from an unfortunate hunting mishap. Shortly after New Years I accepted an invitation to hunt bears. I reluctantly accepted as I had no licence, but after being assured that as a cat I did not need a license. Apparently only dogs and humans need to be licensed.

     Overbriming with confidence, perhaps too much, I equipped myself with only the bare necessities, 6 gun bearers, my chef and his 3 assistants, my personal assistant and my hair dresser. Of course we each had our own ATV, and since we only expected to be out a few days, we only took the smaller RV.

     Being only recently certified as qualified for the use of the 357 Magnum and AK47 by the Tulsa County Sheriff's Department, I could see no barrier to beginning the hunt. In retrospect I probably should have made a larger donation to the Sheriff's  Department. At the time I did not appreciate the possibility that a larger donation would, at least on paper, increase my qualifications in the use of firearms. As it was I thought the shiny badge and the certificate (suitable for framing), which authorized me to use force when appending felons or suspected traffic violators was a nice perk.

     Finally equipped with personal, training, a weeks supply of caviar, cream and catnip, I commenced the adventure. Not long into the trip we began to see signs of bears, like "Only you can prevent forest fires" and "Leave your picnic basket here". After ascending a low hill we were surprised by a large black, furry creature, which was either a bear or a large fat lady wearing a long fur coat. Recalling my training with the Sheriff's Department, I realized since it was large and black, I was not only authorized, but required to shoot.

     Quickly drawing my 357 Magnum I aimed and emptied the clip into the beast. You may have noticed that many people have difficulty distinguishing a 357 magnum from a Taser. I must confess that I was one of them.

     I am still not certain if the creature was a bear or a large fat lady in a fur coat, what did become apparent was that it became irate when tasered. Really irate! I have since reflected on the incident and concluded that I may have acted in haste.

     The nose transplant has been successful and I expect to be walking without crutches by next month.

     Several members of the law enforcement community have shared other anecdotes of Tasers being mistaken for a 357 Magnum, apparently it is more common than generally known.

MorriCat  qualified firearms instructor and Taser expert

 

STRAWBERRY JAM

THERE'S AN APP FOR IT

PERSONAL GYPSY

     This is your very own fortune telling app. Just enter your name, date of birth, sex, and credit card number. Easy to use just open the app and hold palm of your hand against screen then think of a question. Your question will be answered with a completely random answer.

     This may not the most worthless app I have ever tested, but it's definitely in the top ten. I tried the app while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and now have strawberry jam all over my phone. I expected the answers to be completely random, but I thought they would at least be somewhat appropriate. There seems to be only two answers, either , "You will meet a tall dark stranger with a gun", or "You will vote republican in the next election". True, either of the two answers do appear random. However they are completely unrelated to anything I might ask. I had hoped for some different answers, like, "Buy a lottery ticket with the numbers, 6,13,19,34 & 56," or "Expect an audit by the IRS this year", or even "Your dog will have puppies this year". Some people have been surprised by the mysterious $19.99 charges which appear on their credit card statements each time they use the app. Personally I think the developers claim of 87% accuracy is overstated.

     Despite these drawbacks I am giving the app 4 stars because I like the taste of strawberry jam.

GLOW WORM

     Replaces your smart phone's alarm clock. No more annoying bells vibrations or ring tones just a soft dim blue or pink glow that slowly starts at the time you need to wake. No need to use the snooze button, the lights are very unobtrusive, you can just sleep away the morning. Break free of your antiquated mechanical clock or radio.

     A really good app, I have always had trouble getting up in the mornings. It was a constant struggle with grogginess, a rush to get out of the house and to work, no time for shower or even brushing teeth, just swipe underarm deodorant over my tongue and and rush out the door. After replacing my alarm clock with Glow Worm, I no longer worry, after just one week my boss called me in the office and told me I no longer needed to worry about coming to work. Now most mornings I am able to sleep till noon or later.

     Recommend best buy, I will give this 5 stars. Definitely the best app ever.

HOT STUFF

     Claims to boil water using your smart-phone. Instructions are: fill 2 quart sauce pan with cold water, turn on smart phone and place in water, for stove top, heat on high for five minutes or until water starts to bubble. For microwave place in microwave, turn on for 2 minutes at high, remove, rotate pan, replace in microwave and heat for another 4 minutes.

     I did not have a chance to review this app. I am not able to turn on my smart-phone, it is now a piece of fused plastic, glass, metal and strawberry jam. I cannot even find the off/on switch.

The stove top application seemed to work well enough, although I could not see any advantage of using the smart-phone. I had hoped for better results using the microwave, but apparently I had a defective microwave. Step one seemed to start smoothly with pretty blue and pink fireworks. The insurance adjuster has written off the microwave as a total loss. Repairs on the kitchen may be completed by the end of the month, that is if I leave the strawberry jam embedded in the ceiling.

     I do not feel it would be fair to the developers to give less than 4 stars, since they are kind enough to pay me $52.00 for each review.

MorriCat

Tech Support Guru

01/04/2015