Sunday, September 28, 2014

TOAD STORY


TOAD STORY

Rising crime rates has caused some businesses in Marble to take precautions that were not previously necessary. In order to stop theft and destruction of property during non-business hours. Many businesses have resorted to hiring armed guards, or expensive trained attack dogs. Others have tried using poisonous snakes or spiders, believing that to be more cost effective.

There are drawbacks to all of the above methods. Armed guards can be unreliable, sometimes having difficulty staying awake or even waking up to come to work. Attack dogs are more alert as they wake up quicker, however, they occasionally have trouble telling friend from foe, resulting in a high turnover in hired help. Attack dogs have also been known to leave the premises in an unsanitary condition. Poisonous snakes and spiders being rather quiet, are not as effective as a deterrent, they are more of a final solution. You would also be advised to have a strict inventory control in order to avoid potential embarrassing and expensive incidences with the hired help or customers.

As an alternative to these, costly, unreliable and sometime dangerous solutions, MorriCat and Sons Enterprises inc., partnered with the American Toad Society has developed trained Watch Toads. Businessmen can now sleep worry free at night, knowing these reliable, inexpensive and loyal toads will protect your property, at a fraction of the cost of other methods.

Effective? Yes, the mere sight of the vicious, wart covered, molted green and brown toad, has been known to send many of the more timid thieves or vandals running and screaming from the premises. If any miscreant should be so incautious as to proceed, the toads have been trained to bear their fangs, give a terrifying roar and pounce on the felon, holding and ravaging him until the police arrive (in Marble this may be as long as a week).
Consider Watch Toads as an inexpensive, reliable and safe method to secure your place of business. Remember toads eat flies too.

MorriCat
CEO

MorriCat and Sons Enterprises Inc.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

AVIDITY

AVIDITY FOR THE COMMON MAN



Have you ever felt an overwhelming desire to use the word "Avidity " in a sentence,  but refrained because you were unsure of its meaning?


For many years I was under the impression that "Avidity" described the process of a blind man shaving a goat.  Fortunately I was recently advised of my error.  You can imagine my surprise and  Disappointment.  Vowing not to be discouraged,  I consoled myself with several bowls of cream,  catnip stuffed cat toys and the satisfaction and relief that I had avoided embarrassment and ridcule.

Despite the groundswell of apathy concerning “Avidity”,  I have been able to obtain a grant from the National Science Foundation, creating the American Avidity Association, to study and develop Avidity.  You may already have been contacted by one of our pollsters.  Early results found that 81% of teenage girls believe that “avidity” means “whatever”.  Teenage boys were more divided, 14% believe that “avidity” is the requirement to wear plaid on Tuesdays.  Another 32% are of the opinion that “avidity” describes the migration of a type of flounder from the waters of New Zealand to Fiji.  45% were unable to read the question (some are still trying).  The remaining 9% thought it was a new video game and gave our pollsters $149.00 each.  In hindsight, was probably not necessary or cost effective to use water-boarding to elicit answers (in the future our pollsters will be aware that our grant is from the NSF, not the NSA).  Although many of the persons polled have since recovered a degree of normalcy and function quite well unless exposed to sudden noise or bright light.  


After diligent analysis of the polling results and my catnip dreams, I have determined that “avidity” is an archaic word, no longer in common usage. I am unable to conceive of anyone using it, Therefore, I have cut from my dictionary, I have also cut out “avail” which was on the back of the page. Neither word shall again pass my lips.

MorriCat
Executive director
American Avidity Association
9/23/2014






Sunday, September 21, 2014

LIGHTNING OR LIGHTENING

KEEP US #1


I have recently been appraised of a disturbing statistic.

Apparently, on average 51 people are killed by lightning each year in the United States.

This year is almost 3/4th over and there have been only 20 deaths year to date.
This leaves a deficit of 31 deaths to be filled in the next 97 days.

The apathy of the population of the United States is appalling. I feel compelled to raise a call for action. Get off that couch or out of that comfortable chair work off some of that flab you have been accumulating over these last years. Climb  a mountain, play more golf swim during thunderstorms (you are wet anyway) or at least stand under the tallest tree you can find (trees are you friends).

Many people confuse lightning (an electrostatic discharge) with lightening (decent of the uterus in the pelvic cavity). Something must be done about this prevalence of wide spread ignorance. You can help stamp out the apathy and ignorance in our great country. Write or call your congressman (certainly cannot do as much harm as their other actions), send letters to the local newspaper, start a blog, tweet, post on facebook, anything to get this message to people.  Remember when riding in elevators you have a captive audience, make them aware of this problem. Volunteer to speak at local schools. Does your Alma Mater offer a course on differences of lightning and lightening? If they do not do so already consider offering a donation for them to do so.  

Something must be done to keep America number 1, If we are lagging behind in deaths by lightning, where else are we failing. 

Please do something, please.  Donations are being gratefully accepted by The Lightning Deficit Fund (a non-charitable organization).  Cash, credit card or checks accepted, please make check out to MorriCat LDF send to: The Lightning Deficit Fund, c/o MorriCat at 300 Rainbow Dr, Marble CO 81623. 

 Send lots of money as administrative cost are rather high, and it would be appropriate for some money to actually be used to promote our cause.

Thanking you in advance,

MorriCat
CEO
The Lightning Deficit Fund


GERMAN TECHNOLOGY

German technology

Sadly I am disillusioned, my expectations of the quality of German technology has been seriously damaged.   The clock in my 1983 Mercedes 380SL has stopped working. It gave no warning, it showed no intermittent signs, no losing or gaining time.  There were no clunks, clanks or groans, it just stopped working. Quit working suddenly and permanently.  Stopped, without even a sigh.  My expectation that this was a well built automobile, with high end components, has been shattered.  Now that the clock has failed, I do not know what to expect, will the cup-holder be next?

Driving without a clock is a great inconvenience.  I have now resorted to the use of an egg timer, however, every 5 minutes I must stop and turn it over.  Without the clock, I don't know when to eat, or when to sleep. Both activities of supreme importance. My greatest fear that I may miss a meal or may awaken and find out I was not really asleep. 

I have even been forced to stop and ask 'complete' strangers what the time is. This is difficult for me in Marble as it is so small that there are few (if any) strangers either 'complete' or 'incomplete'  It is not practical to ask people I know as many I owe money to and the others seem to think I want to borrow money. In fact  most run and hide, or worse, ask me to repay loans.

If you should see me stop, please don't run away, I do not want to borrow money.  I just need to know what time it is.

The local Mercedes dealer claims the car is out of warranty.  My  retort that it was only 31 years old fell on deaf ears. This treatment shall be remembered when I am in the market for a new automobile.

I have begun a campaign to try to have my clock repaired, replaced or at least have Mercedes improve the reliability and quality of their clocks in future automobiles.  Please add your voice to the thousands of others who are clamoring to have Mercedes improve their quality.

Thanking you in advance, for all your help.

MorriCat
Consumer advocate and activist