LIFE STYLE COUNSELOR

The Fast Track

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The following is an open letter to my favorite nephew, extolling excellent advice aimed at improving his chances of success in life. Many of you may criticize me for this blatant use of this forum to promote my commercial activities, however, consider, the quality of the advice portrayed, and consider you may know someone who can benefit from my advice and experience. You must not feel shy about referring them to me. I will be accepting a limited number of qualified new clients (or anyone willing to pay}.

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Dearest Nephew

I am concerned and saddened that you seem to be lacking direction in your life. Please, there are always challenges for young people. Life is not earned, but is a basic right, along with liberty and the right to play video games. You must learn  to set goals.

I know it is difficult to set goals, but  at least start, begin with an easy long term plan, such as setting your alarm clock, or choosing your dinner entree. If your expectations decrease your prospects for happiness increase.

As you should be aware I have recently became certified as a life style consultant (online degree from the School of the Americas) . There seems to be a great need for my services among young people today. Two of the greatest handicaps of teenage boys today are ignorance and stupidity. I have developed a cure for ignorance, albeit it is slow and painful. To date, stupidity has resisted all procedures which we have tried, among the most promising techniques, were removal of fingernails followed by soaking of the hand in an alcohol bath.

Eighteen hours of exposure to Barry Manilow tunes showed some promise, but an unwelcome side effect resulted from the International Court threatening us with prosecution for war crimes. Has forced us to cancel this promising  treatment.

If you will complete this brief survey I will be able to develop the ideal lifestyle plan for you.

1.  Do you know which wine to serve with potato chips? (do not skip this question it is worth 14  points).
2.  If you were offered the opportunity to visit Oklahoma would you go? Please write a 600 word  essay defending your          decision.
3.  Proceed to Oklahoma, do not pass go, if you land on Boardwalk pay double rent.
4.  By definition, cabbage is a color, is it more important than extra virgin olive oil?
5.  If you fall off the turnip truck will you be any smarter?
6.   Did you realize that by reading this question you have lost 16 points?

Please check all that apply.

     □ You answered all 10 questions correctly.
       □ I lost my pencil
       □ I plan to marry a cabbage.
       □ Eleven is the correct answer.
       □ If I promise to wear socks, do I get the job?
       □ Ingrown toenails are fun.
       □ Do you think the hamster is pregnant?
       □ A true conservative is against, not only same sex marriage, but same species marriage. 

If you have answered any of the preceding, correctly you are a complete idiot.
Any other score and you are an incomplete idiot.

Thank you for completing the survey, as this is a true scientific study, I shall now proceed to ignore you answers, as they were all incorrect anyway.

After consuming several bowls of strawberries and warm cream, and then rolling in a bed of fresh catnip, I was inspired to compose a plan tailored just for you.

Taking into consideration your short attention span and intense desire to avoid any meaningful work. I recommend a course of instruction at the East Reno Beauty Academy. After graduation, you will need to acquire a new wardrobe, recommendations include, white wellington boots, very tight white leather pants (worn low around the hips), no shirt, a short white leather vest (worn unbuttoned), you will need to shave you head and grow a shaggy mustache, wear an earring in your right ear lobe, either large gold hoop or silver cross inscribed with miniature skulls. A tattoo on your left bicep is necessary, I recommend, CAROL with the addition of a small rose centered on a scroll underneath.
Marketing  is essential, you must call yourself Alexander, no last name, no title, just Alexander (do not allow anyone to use a diminutive version). Your target market  consist of bored housewives who are over 40, and rich young women married to older men. Of course you need to advertise, remember just use the one name, Alexander, you can claim to be direct from Hollywood, Paris and Rome. It will be necessary to cultivate a French, German or Russian accent. Make sure you charge appropriately, (at least twice as much as next most expensive), an attitude of arrogance will b e helpful, remember you are the master you have the skills, the customer is never right. As you may not be able to make everyone look beautiful, it may be prudent to remover all mirrors from you shop.  Just one additional hint, some clients may admire your wardrobe and desire to examine your buttocks, when this happen you can expect your tips and other benefits  to increase significantly.

Scoff not, nor disregard these suggestions, apply yourself and you will have the opportunity to visit exotic places, drive expensive automobiles and own fine jewelry.

Remember, ignorance is treatable, and curable, stupidity is treatable also, but it is not curable.

MorriCat,
CEO,
MorriCat and Sons
Lifestyle Counselor Par Excellence