EMERGENCY GUEST SERVICES

LOOK WHO'S COMING TO DINNER

     MorriCat and Sons is rolling out their new emergency guest services.

     We provide speciality and last minute guests for dinner parties, weddings, bar mitzvah, graduations, conferences, substitutes for parents at little league games, funerals. Do you want a new or more impressive spouse for your class reunion? We offer a large selection of substitute spouses for a occasion. We can help with substitutes for disagreeable tasks, such as court dates, parent teacher meetings, prison sentences, or dental appointments.

     We can supply the perfect guest or assistant for you. We employ a variety of professional guests or surrogates, from the exceptionally mundane to the improbably interesting. Do you just need a warm body to make you party perfect? We have him or her. No need for your affair to be a disaster because of last minute cancelations. Call MorriCat, we will send one of our bonded contractors to save your function.

     If you just want to liven up the event we have specialist for all occasions. Meet some of our special guests.

     Major Snodgrass, he is, pompous, slightly balding, overweight (but not chubby), speaks with British accent. He will corner victims and incessantly speak about his adventures as big game hunter or soldier in India. Exceptionally boring,  Major Snodgrass will make all other males at you party appear extraordinarily witty and possibly intelligent.

     Myra Mockingbird, a twenty year old ditzy blonde, very voluptuous. A former hostess at Millie's House of Forbidden Delights, she is much smarter than she acts. She has a great memory for names and faces and photography is her hobby. She will undoubtedly know some of your more prosperous male guests and they may even be interested in some of her photos. You won't regret adding her to your guest list.

     Aunt Mary, you'll like her, she is everyone's favorite aunt, petite, very prim and proper, wears hearing aids and round wire rimmed glasses,  calls all younger people sonny or missy. She smiles at everything you say, but you will never see her teeth. She really doesn't need the hearing aids.

     Wilhelmina "Muffy" Flufhedd, highly sought as an audience member for game shows and TV reality programs. Very bubbly she can be excited by watching paint dry. Now 40 years old she still dresses and acts 18. A former cheerleader, she is perfect to take your  10 year old boy or girl to their soccer game. She even brings own supply of bubble gum. In an emergency can escort your dippy 18 year old son to the prom. A great addition to your dinner party. For and additional fee she will attend wearing her cheerleader uniform.

     Michaelangelo "Magic Mike" DeVore, suave and debonair, he is fluent in French and Italian, 15 years experience as assistant tennis pro (43 different country clubs). He has extensive knowledge of wine, sailing and polo, probably the only living person who knows all the rules of Cricket. He is popular with the more mature ladies and the younger wives of older men. Michaelangelo tends to avoid countries where dueling is legal.

     The Katzenjammer family, Ross, Molly and their three preteen kids. Perfect for invigorating your affair. Consider them for your wedding,  bar mitzvah,  funeral or court appearance. The three kids raise mischief to a whole new level, they can break anything. The parents are seem clueless and oblivious to everything the kids are doing. They will make an unforgettable experience for you and all your guests.

     Homeless Hank, one of several generic street people we employ. 'Homeless Hank' will add character to your affair and demonstrate your commitment to social justice. We have several employees on call as they are not overly reliable and tend to move around often. In most cases incontinence is not a problem, and the most of the odors can be allivated by air fresheners. Most are great connoisseurs of wine. As with all our employees, bonding is provided by Johnny's 24 Hour Bail Bonds.

     Bag Lady Annie, similar attributes as Homeless Hank. Additional she will bring a shopping cart with all her belongings to your party.

     Visit our Web page or stop by one of our convenient locations to see our entire selection of special guests. We know we have what you want and need. Our prices are competive, they may not be the lowest but remember you get what you pay for.


MorriCat and Sons
Party Animals for Rent

AN EXCEPTIONAL WEDDING

PLANS & IDEAS

     How are your wedding plans going? Don't despair, there are always some problems. Do you feel it is going to be less opulent than you hoped? Is it turning into a really big hassle?  Of the 480 invitations you sent 430 were RSVP with regrets, another 22 were returned by postofice marked refused 6 were attached to rocks and thrown through you window . The plan to fill up the guest list with homeless people seems eminently doable. Too bad your maid of honor backed out because she starts her new job at the Millie's House of Forbidden Delights that day. Now may be the time to reconsider some things. For example the cash bar may be a little too much for some of your guests. Is it too late to change the caterer?   Chipolotes may not be the most auspicious choice at this time. The choice of wedding gown and bridesmaid dressing from Fredericks of Hollywood is unconventional to say the least. I was not previously aware that Fredericks sold maternity clothing. My considered opinion and recommendation is that the bridesmaids should wear underwear during the wedding and at the reception. Will your father be released from prison in time to walk you down the aisle?

     Speaking with the groom, I am marginally encouraged,  although the best man is not expected to make bail before the wedding,  the groom expects his current outbreak of herpes will have abated before the wedding. It is our suggestion, considering the guest list, that the ushers be armed during the ceremony and the reception. They would not necessarily all need assault weapons, or even concealed carry permits. Of course with their backgrounds there may be challenges obtaining the permits anyway.  

     The minister's wife believes he will be relatively sober by the day of the wedding. His new ankle bracelet is not that noticeable. The bridesmaids should be safe as long as the minister's wife  is nearby with her shepherds crook. Our additional suggestion, is to keep all children at least 100 feet away. That should alleviate some concerns about possible parole violations.  Unfortunately they will not be attending the reception, as they expect to leave  immediately after the ceremony. She requested that, since the ushers will be armed, they assist in collecting the offering.

      All-in-all it seems that everything is falling into place. Some couples have real problems, but you appear to be off to a good start for a long and happy marriage. You mother will be proud, I know you hope she is released from the asylum soon, drug rehabilitation can be tough.

     Thank for giving us the privilege of evaluating your wedding plans.

MorriCat 

Social Engineer 

  

IN FOR A PENNY IN FOR A POUND

PUT DOWN THAT BURGER

Obesity has became a serious problem in the united States. With a population of over 320 million people with an average weight per person of 181 pounds, Americans are the world's third-heaviest people, exceeded only by the Pacific nations of Tonga and Micronesia. If we are very diligent we shall soon be number one.

Obesity has been recognized as a health problem for several years. There are serious concerns about Diabetics, Heart disease, Sagging breasts, and Ephelis. The economic impacts are grave, studies by reputable scientists and shoe repair persons suggest that fat people not only consume more food, but require more resources for shelter, clothing and health care. This drain on our limited resources has not gone unnoticed by our elected representatives. They have less and less money for more useful and profitable enterprises, such as their salaries.

It is becoming a more common belief that it is more beneficial to have an increase in really skinny people, and decrease the number of obese persons. Many of our political leaders and captains of industry are working hard to make that happen. Recently you may have noticed that the quality and nutritional value of your food has deteriorated. Several restaurant chains have even resorted to selling their clientele tainted food.

Not to discount the health, and economic impacts of obesity. The real and more immediate danger is environmental. Many  of the Pacific island nations have expressed fears that rising sea levels caused by global warming will destroy their lands. This is a myth propagated by environmental scientists, who have been duped by misguided liberal housewives into believing in global warming. These gullible savants refuse to consider the extensive research provided by major oil companies and other large industries. Which prove conclusively that contrary to sea levels rising, the islands are actually sinking. It is now a generally accepted theory that the added weight of people due to population and average weight increases have strained our Earth to the breaking point.

Some estimates place the average weight of an American at 241 pounds by the year 2030. If true this is a real catastrophe. Worse, the growth in expected population to approximately 600 million, due to immigration, revival of the rhythm method of birth control and the effects of the push-up bra on the male libido, will add an additional 36 billion  (that's a whole bunch) pounds of weight in the United States (conservative estimate). Considering the size of the United States, I do not expect it to sink into the oceans, at least not right away and then not even all of it. A more serious and likely scenario, is the additional weight putting such a strain on the Earth that gravity will be affected and imbalance of weight will slow the rotation of the Earth, slowing it and allowing the gravity of the Sun to pull the Earth into a closer orbit. This lower orbit will result in more sunlight reaching the Earth and indirectly contributing to global warming. While only a temporary condition, the Earth is not expected to completely recover, the most widely accepted belief is that the decaying orbit will accelerate spiraling the Earth into the Sun. Effectively extinguishing all life except for a few African cockroaches.

It saddened me that so many of you have expressed disbelief and even derision in regards to the facts I have so carefully made up. Obviously you have been prejudiced by jealous, misguided and ignorant lackeys of big business. Hopeless as it may seem, I shall continue my crusade in a perhaps futile attempt to save our Earth. At least until someone offers me enough money to revise my facts.

MorriCat
Fearless crusader of truth

HIGHER EDUCATION

GET YOUR MOJO WORKING

     Were you aware that Harvard has hundreds of freezers in its basement containing over 100,000 toenail clippings? They claim the purpose of this collection is the study of diseases such as ovarian cancer and Ephelis.  Pashaw, I find this highly unlikely, toenails are about as far from the ovaries as you can get on the body, and Ephelis requires amputation of any affected area. A more plausible  theory is that they are using the clippings to enhance their Voodoo studies. Their collection of hair snippets from student's ponytails is further confirmation of this theory. How often have you passed a young lady on the street with a lopsided ponytail, never suspecting she could be a Harvard student? Make a closer examination next time, she could have been victimized by the Harvard hair thieves (not really thieves, but underemployed hairdressers, who have gone rogue).

     Considering the numerous secret societies at Harvard, you should not be surprised to find one dedicated to Voodoo. How this nefarious practice has been  hidden from the public for the past four decades is a mystery to me. The shroud of secrecy surrounding the activities at this alleged institution of higher learning is on par with that of the NSA the CIA and only surpassed by the operating instructions for Google's apps. We suspect that the CIA and NSA may also be interested in Voodoo. It goes without saying that Google has apps for everything.

     Many people are still unaware of rumours that Harvard has more Voodoo students graduate than any school outside of Louisiana. Enhancements from Voodoo is a plausible explanation for Harvard's reputation as the premier medical and business school.

     I am appalled that the major media outlets in the United States have failed to uncover this nefarious practice.  Someone has missed out on a Pulitizer Prize. Or perhaps they have known, but the threats of voodoo curses have discouraged them from publishing. I understand their hesitation, as Voodoo curses can be quite frightening, especially something like the Curse of the Seven Black Jinns.

     My usual assemblage of unreliable sources have suggested that Harvard may be one of the major markets for Voodoo charms, gris-gris, amulets and other paraphernalia. With their stockpile of toenail clippings and snippets of hair they command a leading position in the Voodoo community.

     It is unknown how many Vodouisants, Houngans, Mambos, and practitioners of Obeah are members of the Harvard faculty. We suspect they number in the hundreds if not thousands. Well, maybe not thousands but a bunch.

     I am gravely worried, since beginning this article mysterious and frightening events have occurred. Chicken heads found nailed to my doors, mojo bags on my doorstep, the toilet bowl is full of bloodshot eyeballs,  and  black candles are stuck to skulls burning on my dining table. Overnight a complete Victorian cemetery appeared on the vacant lot next door. I do mean complete, fog, moss trailing from the trees, evil laughter and baleful wailing at all hours of the night. It is eminently possible that I may not be here to receive the Pulitizer prize.  Prehaps one of the wizards from Yale will step forward to continue my endeavors. Where is George Bush when  you need him?


Professor Morri
Shoe repair specialist and Houngan

BEAN SOUP

LISTEN TO THE THUNDER

     Are you desperate to achieve weight loss? Do you want to lose weight without dieting or exercise? If that is your goal, we recommend TOOT-C, a compoundof bean juice extract and fermented cabbage. Use TOOT-C and you can expect a mystical experience.

     Bean Juice Extract works by increasing the propensity of flatulence, and the fermented cabbage enhances the effect. According to Internet wisdom, a fart expends 67 calories. It is an established scientific fact that to lose a pound you must either decrease your calorie intake by 3500 calories, or expend 3500 calories by exercise or other activity. We advocate flatulence as that activity. It would require little training and very little effort on your part.

     Assuming that 67 calories are burned by each fart to be true, 52 farts would burn about 3500 calories, enough to burn one pound of fat. So far, scientific testing has been inconclusive as to the validity of these claims. Nevertheless scientists have refused to endorses the claim that farts burn 67 calories (these are some of the same scientists who contend that the Earth is not flat). Inquiries of several congressmen garnered only guarded responses, that there was better uses for hot air. You should draw your own conclusions, but I ask you. Who are you going to believe, a bunch of ivory tower dwelling scientists obsessed with global warming, your congressman or a snake oil salesman intent on perpetuating an Internet myth?

     Only 3 teaspoons of TOOT-C in a glass of water each morning is guaranteed to produce instant results. Over 12 million bottles sold. Mostly sold to teenage boys who mistakenly believed they could impress their girlfriends. If you use TOOT-C immediately before attending a social function you will find out who your true friends are. We assure you, continuing use of TOOT-C will change your life. Talk to your doctor about TOOT-C, it will brighten his day, he can use a good laugh.

     Curious about possible side effects? They include, constipation, Ephelis, diarrhea, decrease in intimacy,  ingrown toenails, stained underwear, erectile dysfunction, social rejection, bad breath, global warming, an uncontrollable desire for serious conversations with turnips. Death is not a common result, but many people may believe you have died. Do not use TOOT-C if you are sane, have ever been sane, or plan to be sane someday.

     Users of TOOT-C have been ecstatic over their results. Many have reported significant weight loss, in most cases much more than expected. Unexpected benefits such as departure of unwelcome house guests, and significant others leaving. Remarkable decreases in entertainment expenses can be expected. As a birth control method TOOT-C is unsurpassed, it is probably the most effective method of encouraging abstinence in teenagers.

     We think everyone should use TOOT-C, after you use it you will too.

MorriCat 

Chief Pharmacist 

Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group LTD

"Better living through chemistry"