REAL MEN'S COOKBOOK #11

SALT OF THE EARTH

Many men are becoming more interested in a healthy lifestyle. Instead of red meat, eating a diet lower in calories a day fats,  with more fruits and vegetables and fish. I am fortunate that,  Anchovies, one of my favorite foods is high in Omega fats,  mercury and other essential vitamins and minerals.

I recommend an Anchovie smoothie for breakfast (possibly the most important meal of the day).  Quick and easily prepared, your first Anchovie smoothie will be unforgettable. I have been told that some people try to forget by sleeping through breakfast.

Ingredients are minimal, two tins of Anchovies either flat or rolled, one cup of salt (I prefer sea salt), 1/2 cup of lemon juice and three tablespoons of mold scrapped from the chunk of cheese found on the back of the second shelf of your refrigerator, mix on high speed in your blender for five minutes.  If your blender is unfunctional because you have been using it as a cement mixer you can try inserting a large spoon in your cordless drill. Garnish with a dash of whipped cream and a Marchino cherry.  Now you are ready to enjoy.

One last piece of advice. If no lemon juice is available, kerosene can be used.  You will not notice any decrease in taste, just refrain from smoking while consuming it.

MorriCat
Chef for the discerning man

PUBLIC RELATIONS PROBLEM

THE MOSTLY MISUNDERSTOOD TASMANIAN DEVIL

Most of us have formed our options of Tasmanian devils based on the Looney Tunes cartoon from the 1950's. We think of the Tasmanian devil as a fierce, seething, snarling, insatiable lunatic, a notoriously cantankerous disposition and the tendency to fly into a maniacal rage when threatened by a predator, fighting for a mate, or defending a meal. Early cartoonists dubbed it a "devil" after witnessing such displays, which include teeth-baring, lunging, and an array of spine-chilling guttural growls.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Recent research and extensive studies have found Tasmanian Devils to be docile, gentle, and fun loving. One can not go wrong by sharing one's home with one of these remarkable creatures. It is tragic that they were mislabeled 'Devil', as you can see from the pictures below, Angel would have been more appropriate. Close you eyes and imagine, sitting in your most comfortable chair, with one of these warm furry creatures nestled in you lap, emitting soothing cooing sounds. We have observed more aggressive behavior, when their food supply is threatened they may whine or even squeak.

Eloise

'Puggsie'

Sicentists at the University of Sydney have discovered that he milk of the Tasmanian Devil has the power to kill the drug resistant super bugs that are plaguing our hospitals. Apparently their milk produces a natural antibiotic As a result the Tasmanian Devil is becoming in greater demand in medical research and in the production of pharmaceuticals.

MorriCat Pharmaceuticals, in partnership with the NSA has developed a dairy farm in the town of Leggo, Mississippi. (Yalobusha county). Our heard consists of 12,000 lactating females, hat we milk every 4 hours. We pride ourselves in the humane treatment of our stock. There is no more than 4 to a cage and each is allotted 1 hour every week in natural light. There wa some controversial when the NSA suggested disposing of the excess cubs by burying them in the local landfill. This was soundly rejected in favor of our current program to sell them for $1.02 each (plus shipping and handling). Each cub is flash frozen and shrink wrapped, before being mailed o the customer. Upon arrival they can be defrosted in your microwave oven afterwards they usually recover with a little CPR (if not simply return for a full refund).

Just visualize, your home complete with this small lovable furry creature. Scurrying back and forth through your rooms. Nestled on you lap in front of the fire. They are easy to care for, only desiring a handful of nuts, berries and chocolate for substance a nod of approval and a few tummy rubs. We find at the dairy farm that by supplementing their diet with black-eyed peas and 'chittlins', they are more content.

For those who are concerned about the prevalence of the new Superbugs, I suggest ordering a breeding pair, you can then have a handy permanent supply of antibiotics.

MorriCat, CEO and Chief of Research and Development.

MorriCat and Sons Pharmaceuticals

JUST A MINUTE

                                  A STITCH IN TIME

Most of us are aware that daylight saving time is fast approaching. The end of Daylight Saving Time will require all law-a-biding peoples to reset their clocks back one hour at 2 AM on  November 6th, this year. Those being extremely law-a-biding or overly cautious, or on parole,  may even consider setting their clocks back 2 hours.

Much confusion abounds, concerning procedures to adjust our clocks.  Last year there were several  instances of people who could not stop resetting their clocks each time the 2 o'clock hour struck. Everett Lawson has been confined in the Chillicothe Institute for the Criminally Insane since last November. He keeps insisting it is 1 o'clock, and turning his watch back every time it reached 2 o'clock.  I think he may have been right .

There is some debate as to the purpose and usefulness of Daylight Saving Time. Originally, proposed as a method of saving and accumulating daylight during the long summer days to be distributed during the winter. Proud as Congress was at finally passing any legislation, it was soon apparent that there was little or no savings of daylight or if any was saved it had been snapped up by Wall Street speculators.

As a public service,  MorriCat and Sons being purely altruistic, are offering to call you at 2 AM to remind you to adjust the time on your clocks. The call is free, with just a $9.99 convince fee. As a public service we will call other people for you.  Examples could be telephone solicitors, political pollsters or perhaps your ex spouse. The convenience fee for this is $19.99.

Hurry, don't let Daylight  Saving Time creep up on you.  Call now while we still have calling slots available.  For an additional honorarium, we can have an IRS agent with a heavy foreign accent make the call.

Your humble servant.
MorriCat

P. S.  My oldest son just reminded me that we can remove you from our call list for fee.

103 USES FOR DUCT TAPE #57

Need to boil an egg? to prevent it from bursting, try wrapping it with duct tape. 

When practicable I prefer to use a decorative  duct tape. Hello Kitty brand duct tape is my personal choice.

SOLAR POWER

THE LIGHTS ARE OUT

Energy released from our sun is increasingly being captured by us using solar panels to provide energy to run our homes, cars, computers, lighting and heat. Allegations by respected scientists that solar farms are sucking up all the energy from the  Sun are unfounded. Rumors that the increased proliferation of these solar farms will drain all of the energy from the sun eventually causing it to die is a myth propagated by an unholy alliance between Haliburton executives and neo-liberals.

Even if true the demise of the Sun is not necessarily all bad, a side effect would be an inadvertent reversing of global  warming. Environmentalists are furious that decades of propagating the impending doom of global warming, melting icecaps, rising sea levels and hordes of locusts, have all been wasted. It is now demonstrated that by simply building a few solar farms, those catastrophes can be averted.

I have not often been accused of being a tree-hugging, yogurt eating, liberal, socialist  environmentalist, but if there is a dollar to be made from solar power, I can accept the reversing of global warming as an acceptable side effect.

If indeed the decline in the life of our sun would be hastened by increased usage of solar power, it concerns me little.. Estimates place the age of our sun at approximately 4 billion years. I ask you, how much longer can it last? Scientists seem clueless, some say another 4 billion years others claim only 300 to 400 years. Assuming solar power usage increases by 75% each year, best estimates are a 20% decrease in the life of the Sun. worse case, 240 years until the death of the Sun. I am still not concerned. Are you worried?

More immediate concerns are the limitations on solar power generation. Our investors have pointed out that solar power output at night decreases significantly, further concerns are cloud cover and smog. All things considered, solar generation would only be productive less than 50% of the time. Stopping the rotation of the earth and avoiding Los Angeles and china as location for solar farms would help.

A more practical solution has been proposed by Luddite Technologies LTD, a small manufacturing company located in Nottingham England  Founded in 1811 by Ned Ludd as a textile company, Luddite Technologies is now run by Ned Ludd IV a direct and hopefully the last descendant of Ned Ludd. They have developed a Portable Nuclear Fusion Generator (PNFG). Working on a similar concept as the Sun, It was noted that the fusing as few as 2 atoms of hydrogen atoms could produce a self sustaining reaction releasing an enormous amount of energy. When perfected the PNFG is expected to operate indefinitely on one pint of water.

The PNFG’s are not impacted by darkness, fog or air pollution. Our greatest challenges are portability and safety. Our current model, 3rd generation has been reduced to the size of  a 1978 Ford Pinto. Our engineers have assured us that the next generation will be reduced to the size of and early Apple computer, albeit at the sacrifice of safety features. Since our investors are mostly concerned with return on investment, in lieu of continued development of safety features our CEO has instructed us to place large nuclear warning symbols on all sides of the PNFG.

We pooh-pooh the suggestion that our neglect of safety features present a hazard. Statistics suggest that a chain reaction is no more likely than being mugged in Detroit on Saturday night, or being shot by the police in Chicago. In the unlikely event that there are one or more change reactions, it is believed that much some of the Earth will remain habitable.

Our conclusion is that Portable Nuclear Fusion generators are not only a viable alternative to solar energy, additional benefits of anticapted slowing in the trend of decreasing global warming.

MorriCat

Chief of Research, 
Luddite Technologies LTD
"Good 'nuff for grandpa"

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A STITCH IN TIME

THE CLOCK IS RUNNING

   It is generally believed that time was invented by ancient Romans to enhance their productivity and advance their invasion of the French Riviera. The first Romans, much like Polynesians and teenage boys today, were unaware of time, they were dependent upon their wives and mothers to tell them when it was time for eating, working or sleeping. Divorced and unmarried men were severely handicapped. There were several reported deaths caused by starvation as the men did not know when to eat or sleep.

 

  Productivity during this early period was at an all time low. The great Roman Emperor, Sidney Caesar and his consort Imogene Coco, commissioned the Chronos brothers, Houros, Yerius, Secondius and Murphy to develop a system to reference time so people would know when to eat, sleep and work, without depending on their wives. The original idea was to do away with wives all together, but this plan was quickly abandoned when it was pointed out that women were doing most of the work.

  The time system as originally developed, included a year of 10 months totaling 304 days. January and February were not part of the original calendar as the Chronos brothers usually spent the Winter in Egypt, so did not feel it was necessary to have those months in the Roman calendar. It was not until the time of Julius Caesar that anyone noticed that there were about 60 days from the end of one year and the start of the next, when no work was performed, and the calendar was corrected by the addition of 2 months and the beginning of the year was moved to January 1st. Today most of the industrial world (Kansas and the United States Postal Service are conspicuous exceptions, as they still use the 10 month 304 day year) has adopted the Roman calendar as modified for religious and political reasons.

  The shorter time periods such as the day, hour, minute and second were used by the working class and others who were not into long range planning

   At first the days were only 12 hours in duration as the clocks were all solar powered and did not work at night. People who worked 2nd and 3rd shifts or at night in the 7-11 stores would only be able to tell time if they held a candle above their sundial. It was not until the 7th century that the Swiss developed a mechanical clock powered by a tiny bird on a miniature bicycle which was allowed a break every hour, when it opens a door in the front of the clock, poke its head out and announces the hour by saying CooCoo. This simple development effectively doubled productivity.

  There is still much work to be done on the standardization of the calendar and of the hours. In most of the world there are separate time zones which manage to confuse people. Many of the more nefarious governments have instituted daylight savings time. This scheme is claimed to save an hour of daylight each day, I have yet to see any of this so called savings. what, I ask, has the government done with these extra hours of daylight? It is suspected that the extra hours are going to large political donors  and friends of elected officials.

  

   It is my considered opinion that the world would be well served to have consistent time, if it 10pm in London then it should be 10pm in Los Angeles. People should work, eat and sleep according to the clock, not according to the cycles of light and dark or the position of the Sun.  

   Those who are waiting for their wife to get dressed for a party may not agree, but there has been a universal adoption of the shorter time periods, such a seconds, minutes and hours. When your wife says, “Honey I’ll be down in 15 minutes”, and you wait so long you need to shave again, this is not a function of different lengths of time, but only confusion between hours and minutes.

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CRITIC AT LARGE

   LATE NIGHT TV

Brazilian Butt Lift is a faux reality show shown several times each night. It is loosely based on the courtship rituals of young aborigines in San Paulo Brazil.

Now that another season of Dancing With the Stars is complete, many of you are at a loss to fill your spare time. I recommend watching Brazilian Butt Lift as an alternative to reruns of the Republican presidential debates and circus. Or advertisments for incontinence products.

Target audience for this program appears to be men in their mid 40’s who have the prurient mentality of a 16 year old. Surveys of young women concluded that it was either a very bad comedy or a strong.  Exit polls  of women who actually sat through a viewing of the program failed to confirm this as 60% are convinced it is a documentary about warthogs. Several young men observed that they had not previously considered castration as a viable or practical solution to improve their love life.

Desperate for money I agreed to  review the program. Even with my low expectations I was disappointed,  the plot was impossible to follow as it was nonexistent.  After viewing 17 episodes,  I was still unable to discern the protagonists if any. It is apparent that the  producers (skinflints that they are) cut costs by making all the episodes the same.

5 stars was the rating the producers expected and 5 stars was what I gladly gave. Please do not question my integrity, however, I did need to change the rating scale to 1 to 100, instead of 1 to 5.

There are more productive and satisfying activities than watching Brazilian Butt Lift. One that comes immediately to mind is; volunteering for the Colorado mountain lion artificial insemination program, or for the more adventurous, shaving an egg. There are many others but, too numerous  to list in this article.

Next week don’t miss our special double review, “My Hair is Falling Out” and “Twerking on the River”.

MorriCat,
Critic at large and arbitrator of good taste.

HOUSEHOLD HINT NUMBER 8

USE BATTERY ACID TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET BOWL JUST POUR 1 PINT OF BATTERY ACID INTO THE BOWL (NO NEED TO FLUSH FIRST), LET STAND WHILE YOU TAKE A BREAK, MAYBE EVEN SMOKE A CIGARETTE  YOU WILL BE PLEASANTLY  SURPRISED AT THE RESULTS.

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