SOLAR POWER

THE LIGHTS ARE OUT

Energy released from our sun is increasingly being captured by us using solar panels to provide energy to run our homes, cars, computers, lighting and heat. Allegations by respected scientists that solar farms are sucking up all the energy from the  Sun are unfounded. Rumors that the increased proliferation of these solar farms will drain all of the energy from the sun eventually causing it to die is a myth propagated by an unholy alliance between Haliburton executives and neo-liberals.

Even if true the demise of the Sun is not necessarily all bad, a side effect would be an inadvertent reversing of global  warming. Environmentalists are furious that decades of propagating the impending doom of global warming, melting icecaps, rising sea levels and hordes of locusts, have all been wasted. It is now demonstrated that by simply building a few solar farms, those catastrophes can be averted.

I have not often been accused of being a tree-hugging, yogurt eating, liberal, socialist  environmentalist, but if there is a dollar to be made from solar power, I can accept the reversing of global warming as an acceptable side effect.

If indeed the decline in the life of our sun would be hastened by increased usage of solar power, it concerns me little.. Estimates place the age of our sun at approximately 4 billion years. I ask you, how much longer can it last? Scientists seem clueless, some say another 4 billion years others claim only 300 to 400 years. Assuming solar power usage increases by 75% each year, best estimates are a 20% decrease in the life of the Sun. worse case, 240 years until the death of the Sun. I am still not concerned. Are you worried?

More immediate concerns are the limitations on solar power generation. Our investors have pointed out that solar power output at night decreases significantly, further concerns are cloud cover and smog. All things considered, solar generation would only be productive less than 50% of the time. Stopping the rotation of the earth and avoiding Los Angeles and china as location for solar farms would help.

A more practical solution has been proposed by Luddite Technologies LTD, a small manufacturing company located in Nottingham England  Founded in 1811 by Ned Ludd as a textile company, Luddite Technologies is now run by Ned Ludd IV a direct and hopefully the last descendant of Ned Ludd. They have developed a Portable Nuclear Fusion Generator (PNFG). Working on a similar concept as the Sun, It was noted that the fusing as few as 2 atoms of hydrogen atoms could produce a self sustaining reaction releasing an enormous amount of energy. When perfected the PNFG is expected to operate indefinitely on one pint of water.

The PNFG’s are not impacted by darkness, fog or air pollution. Our greatest challenges are portability and safety. Our current model, 3rd generation has been reduced to the size of  a 1978 Ford Pinto. Our engineers have assured us that the next generation will be reduced to the size of and early Apple computer, albeit at the sacrifice of safety features. Since our investors are mostly concerned with return on investment, in lieu of continued development of safety features our CEO has instructed us to place large nuclear warning symbols on all sides of the PNFG.

We pooh-pooh the suggestion that our neglect of safety features present a hazard. Statistics suggest that a chain reaction is no more likely than being mugged in Detroit on Saturday night, or being shot by the police in Chicago. In the unlikely event that there are one or more change reactions, it is believed that much some of the Earth will remain habitable.

Our conclusion is that Portable Nuclear Fusion generators are not only a viable alternative to solar energy, additional benefits of anticapted slowing in the trend of decreasing global warming.

MorriCat

Chief of Research, 
Luddite Technologies LTD
"Good 'nuff for grandpa"

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A STITCH IN TIME

THE CLOCK IS RUNNING

   It is generally believed that time was invented by ancient Romans to enhance their productivity and advance their invasion of the French Riviera. The first Romans, much like Polynesians and teenage boys today, were unaware of time, they were dependent upon their wives and mothers to tell them when it was time for eating, working or sleeping. Divorced and unmarried men were severely handicapped. There were several reported deaths caused by starvation as the men did not know when to eat or sleep.

 

  Productivity during this early period was at an all time low. The great Roman Emperor, Sidney Caesar and his consort Imogene Coco, commissioned the Chronos brothers, Houros, Yerius, Secondius and Murphy to develop a system to reference time so people would know when to eat, sleep and work, without depending on their wives. The original idea was to do away with wives all together, but this plan was quickly abandoned when it was pointed out that women were doing most of the work.

  The time system as originally developed, included a year of 10 months totaling 304 days. January and February were not part of the original calendar as the Chronos brothers usually spent the Winter in Egypt, so did not feel it was necessary to have those months in the Roman calendar. It was not until the time of Julius Caesar that anyone noticed that there were about 60 days from the end of one year and the start of the next, when no work was performed, and the calendar was corrected by the addition of 2 months and the beginning of the year was moved to January 1st. Today most of the industrial world (Kansas and the United States Postal Service are conspicuous exceptions, as they still use the 10 month 304 day year) has adopted the Roman calendar as modified for religious and political reasons.

  The shorter time periods such as the day, hour, minute and second were used by the working class and others who were not into long range planning

   At first the days were only 12 hours in duration as the clocks were all solar powered and did not work at night. People who worked 2nd and 3rd shifts or at night in the 7-11 stores would only be able to tell time if they held a candle above their sundial. It was not until the 7th century that the Swiss developed a mechanical clock powered by a tiny bird on a miniature bicycle which was allowed a break every hour, when it opens a door in the front of the clock, poke its head out and announces the hour by saying CooCoo. This simple development effectively doubled productivity.

  There is still much work to be done on the standardization of the calendar and of the hours. In most of the world there are separate time zones which manage to confuse people. Many of the more nefarious governments have instituted daylight savings time. This scheme is claimed to save an hour of daylight each day, I have yet to see any of this so called savings. what, I ask, has the government done with these extra hours of daylight? It is suspected that the extra hours are going to large political donors  and friends of elected officials.

  

   It is my considered opinion that the world would be well served to have consistent time, if it 10pm in London then it should be 10pm in Los Angeles. People should work, eat and sleep according to the clock, not according to the cycles of light and dark or the position of the Sun.  

   Those who are waiting for their wife to get dressed for a party may not agree, but there has been a universal adoption of the shorter time periods, such a seconds, minutes and hours. When your wife says, “Honey I’ll be down in 15 minutes”, and you wait so long you need to shave again, this is not a function of different lengths of time, but only confusion between hours and minutes.