HIGHER EDUCATION

GET YOUR MOJO WORKING

     Were you aware that Harvard has hundreds of freezers in its basement containing over 100,000 toenail clippings? They claim the purpose of this collection is the study of diseases such as ovarian cancer and Ephelis.  Pashaw, I find this highly unlikely, toenails are about as far from the ovaries as you can get on the body, and Ephelis requires amputation of any affected area. A more plausible  theory is that they are using the clippings to enhance their Voodoo studies. Their collection of hair snippets from student's ponytails is further confirmation of this theory. How often have you passed a young lady on the street with a lopsided ponytail, never suspecting she could be a Harvard student? Make a closer examination next time, she could have been victimized by the Harvard hair thieves (not really thieves, but underemployed hairdressers, who have gone rogue).

     Considering the numerous secret societies at Harvard, you should not be surprised to find one dedicated to Voodoo. How this nefarious practice has been  hidden from the public for the past four decades is a mystery to me. The shroud of secrecy surrounding the activities at this alleged institution of higher learning is on par with that of the NSA the CIA and only surpassed by the operating instructions for Google's apps. We suspect that the CIA and NSA may also be interested in Voodoo. It goes without saying that Google has apps for everything.

     Many people are still unaware of rumours that Harvard has more Voodoo students graduate than any school outside of Louisiana. Enhancements from Voodoo is a plausible explanation for Harvard's reputation as the premier medical and business school.

     I am appalled that the major media outlets in the United States have failed to uncover this nefarious practice.  Someone has missed out on a Pulitizer Prize. Or perhaps they have known, but the threats of voodoo curses have discouraged them from publishing. I understand their hesitation, as Voodoo curses can be quite frightening, especially something like the Curse of the Seven Black Jinns.

     My usual assemblage of unreliable sources have suggested that Harvard may be one of the major markets for Voodoo charms, gris-gris, amulets and other paraphernalia. With their stockpile of toenail clippings and snippets of hair they command a leading position in the Voodoo community.

     It is unknown how many Vodouisants, Houngans, Mambos, and practitioners of Obeah are members of the Harvard faculty. We suspect they number in the hundreds if not thousands. Well, maybe not thousands but a bunch.

     I am gravely worried, since beginning this article mysterious and frightening events have occurred. Chicken heads found nailed to my doors, mojo bags on my doorstep, the toilet bowl is full of bloodshot eyeballs,  and  black candles are stuck to skulls burning on my dining table. Overnight a complete Victorian cemetery appeared on the vacant lot next door. I do mean complete, fog, moss trailing from the trees, evil laughter and baleful wailing at all hours of the night. It is eminently possible that I may not be here to receive the Pulitizer prize.  Prehaps one of the wizards from Yale will step forward to continue my endeavors. Where is George Bush when  you need him?


Professor Morri
Shoe repair specialist and Houngan