PARTY ANIMALS

THE ULTIMATE DINNER PARTY

     So you are planning another dinner party? Apparently your short-term memory is really bad.since you don't remember anything about he last one. fortunately you have made an excellent decision in retaining MorriCat & Sons as  your party consultants.

     Yes, your previous party was a catastrophe. Maybe not on a par with the maiden voyage of the Titanic.  To be honest it is not a good comparison, I believe that there were some survivors from the Titanic.

     Do not be concerned about not having a hostess. I realize that you don't have the money to post bail for your fiancee or your Mother. Anyway, your Mother showed a certain lack of sophistication when she greeted everyone by saying "Hi, my name is Bambi, are you wearing underwear?" an effective if unique icebreaker.  "Bingo" Jack's Unisex Escort Service is the answer. Their workers are reasonably priced (they work for tips, which they regretfully share with "Bingo"), diligent, intelligent, many with health certificates, and refined (compared to your fiancee and Mother. I don't think your guests will be disappointed. consider your fiancee's performance as a pole dancer was only mediocre, although the goat was a nice touch, I still think your Mother would have won the mud wrestling competition if that sumo  wrestler had not been using performance enhancing drugs).

     Next we look at the menu. Now that your sister has been served with a restraining order, requiring her to stay 50 feet from any area where food is prepared, you will need a new caterer. Just as well, the Director of the Center for Disease Control said he had never before seen an instance of food poisoning that was contagious. Our choice for catering is Elmer's House of China Take-A-Way Eatery. Elmer's service is fast, reasonably priced (half the cost of edible food) and he will give separate bills to each of your guests.  

     A cash bar is not optional, it is a necessity. If you keep making the minimum payments on the liquor bill from your last party it will be 27 years and 4 months before it is paid off. Remember, after the first half hour, put the good stuff away and bring out the rotgut, no one will notice the difference and the profit margin is significantly greater.

     As you have not cleaned your bathroom since the last party,we recommended attaching a padlock and out of order sign to your bathroom door.  I think your dog will be happier on your balcony, your bedroom was a mess last time.  Remember after the last party, the tenant in the downstairs apartment was puzzled by the yellow rain on his balcony. That potential embarrassing situation can be avoided by engaging Vinny's Potty Emporium  to supply two porta-potties tastefully decorated with yellow and black tape marked crime scene do not cross, for use by your guests. You don't have enough room in your apartment to place these two, potentially unsightly structures, and them being odor free is an unrealistic expectation. So I would recommend to place them in the hallway, one on each side of your entry door. For aesthetic purposes is may be advisable to place them across the hall on each side of your neighbors entry door. Vinny will deliver, setup and pick-up the porta-potties. He will also resolve any complaints or concerns concerning the placement and use. generally not needed as most condo Associations, management companies and health departments are slow to process complaints. If and overeager employee or one of your neighbors should persist with a complaint, Vinny will send one of his specially trained customer service representatives to quickly resolve and allay all concerns.  An added benefit of using Vinny's services rather than a legitimate vendor, is Vinny's practice of installing coin operated exit doors in addition to the coin operated toilet paper dispensers is a real revenue enhancer.  If by the unlikely and unfortunate event that one of you guest entered the unit and failed to have the exact change for the exit door, Vinny usually arranges for pick-up the next business day, at that time Vinny will usually release the guest for a small fee.

     Everyone should learn from their mistakes, by now you should be a genius by now or if not already, you will certainly be one after this party. We thank you for your business and know you will have successful party. Furthermore, here are some tips to make your party even more successful, as an ice breaker if the dinner conversation stalls, ask if anyone knows what the blue liquid in the porta-potties is called.  I know you have been at dinners and observed guest drinking from the finger bowls. To discourage this substitute turpentine and lemon juice for the water.

MorriCat & Sons
Certified Party Animals

"It is not too late to laugh"