Grin and bear it
Bears are large furry creatures, with
big teeth and sharp claws. They are often misunderstood, despite
their size and fearsome appearance, they are placid and gentle
creatures, preferring to spend their days in quiet activities such as
fishing, knitting, literary clubs or discussing the merits of
California wines. Their primary diet consists of nuts and berries
although many have developed a taste for caviar. Not highly motivated
beasts bears spend much of their time asleep, on occasion they will
sleep continuously for several weeks.
Poverty has long been a problem for
bears. Unemployment among bears in the United States has reached an
all time high. Few if any bears have full time jobs, Smokey and
Yogi Bear being notable exceptions. Others have found positions in
show business, that is in circuses and zoos or as street performers
dancing and playing the Hurdy-Gurdy for tips. Restricted to these low
paying positions, remuneration usually consisting of only room and
board. Working conditions are often abominable with, long hours,
noise, no personal internet usage, smoke breaks or access to
Starbucks. Some more entrepreneurial bears have even begun a garbage
sorting and recycling business in mountain resorts at first fairly
successful, complaints from extremely liberal residents has resulted
in unduly restrictive regulations. As a result this work must often
be performed clandestinely in many areas.
Bears are at a disadvantage in the job
market, most are illiterate, few have drivers licenses or even state
ID's. It is estimated that less than 10% have cell phones. Many
employers are now running credit checks and requiring drug testing as
conditions of employment. Bears naturally resent and resist these
requirements. Employers are also leery of their sleep habits,
fearing their attendance might be erratic.
If not home schooled, educational
opportunities are severely limited. Consolidation has left many bear
communities without access to local schools, a situation which I
expect to persist without access to more off-road school buses.
Teachers are also wary of having bears in the classroom. It is a
common belief that they are disruptive troublemakers. Bear children
consequently spend much of the time they should be learning in
detention halls, forced to listen to hours of Barry Manilow tunes? As
a result, literacy rates among bears is lower than professional
football players, and only slightly above reality show audiences
Bears are definitely treated as second
class citizens, victims of rampant prejudice, being treated worse
than used car salesmen, homeless people, undocumented immigrants,
feral chickens and in some cases even republicans. Several states
have passed laws allowing and even encouraging the killing of bears
for a fee. There are few if any bear families that have not lost a
loved one to these gallant sportsmen.
Housing conditions are deplorable. The
majority of bears are forced to inhabit cold damp caves or hollow
logs. Central heating, running water, indoor plumbing, and electric
are all considered luxuries and are generally unavailable. Gregarious
animals the entire family may share a single room, certainly an
inducement for children to move out. Few of these bear families have
access to the internet or cable TV.
Much as I deplore and sympathize with
the plight of bears, I cannot recommend visits by social workers or
environmental activists. Considering that bears are rather large
animals with large teeth and sharp claws. I suspect they may be
inclined to change their dietary habits if an opportunity arises.
MorriCat
Animal Rights Advocate
