PARTY ANIMALS

THE ULTIMATE DINNER PARTY

     So you are planning another dinner party? Apparently your short-term memory is really bad.since you don't remember anything about he last one. fortunately you have made an excellent decision in retaining MorriCat & Sons as  your party consultants.

     Yes, your previous party was a catastrophe. Maybe not on a par with the maiden voyage of the Titanic.  To be honest it is not a good comparison, I believe that there were some survivors from the Titanic.

     Do not be concerned about not having a hostess. I realize that you don't have the money to post bail for your fiancee or your Mother. Anyway, your Mother showed a certain lack of sophistication when she greeted everyone by saying "Hi, my name is Bambi, are you wearing underwear?" an effective if unique icebreaker.  "Bingo" Jack's Unisex Escort Service is the answer. Their workers are reasonably priced (they work for tips, which they regretfully share with "Bingo"), diligent, intelligent, many with health certificates, and refined (compared to your fiancee and Mother. I don't think your guests will be disappointed. consider your fiancee's performance as a pole dancer was only mediocre, although the goat was a nice touch, I still think your Mother would have won the mud wrestling competition if that sumo  wrestler had not been using performance enhancing drugs).

     Next we look at the menu. Now that your sister has been served with a restraining order, requiring her to stay 50 feet from any area where food is prepared, you will need a new caterer. Just as well, the Director of the Center for Disease Control said he had never before seen an instance of food poisoning that was contagious. Our choice for catering is Elmer's House of China Take-A-Way Eatery. Elmer's service is fast, reasonably priced (half the cost of edible food) and he will give separate bills to each of your guests.  

     A cash bar is not optional, it is a necessity. If you keep making the minimum payments on the liquor bill from your last party it will be 27 years and 4 months before it is paid off. Remember, after the first half hour, put the good stuff away and bring out the rotgut, no one will notice the difference and the profit margin is significantly greater.

     As you have not cleaned your bathroom since the last party,we recommended attaching a padlock and out of order sign to your bathroom door.  I think your dog will be happier on your balcony, your bedroom was a mess last time.  Remember after the last party, the tenant in the downstairs apartment was puzzled by the yellow rain on his balcony. That potential embarrassing situation can be avoided by engaging Vinny's Potty Emporium  to supply two porta-potties tastefully decorated with yellow and black tape marked crime scene do not cross, for use by your guests. You don't have enough room in your apartment to place these two, potentially unsightly structures, and them being odor free is an unrealistic expectation. So I would recommend to place them in the hallway, one on each side of your entry door. For aesthetic purposes is may be advisable to place them across the hall on each side of your neighbors entry door. Vinny will deliver, setup and pick-up the porta-potties. He will also resolve any complaints or concerns concerning the placement and use. generally not needed as most condo Associations, management companies and health departments are slow to process complaints. If and overeager employee or one of your neighbors should persist with a complaint, Vinny will send one of his specially trained customer service representatives to quickly resolve and allay all concerns.  An added benefit of using Vinny's services rather than a legitimate vendor, is Vinny's practice of installing coin operated exit doors in addition to the coin operated toilet paper dispensers is a real revenue enhancer.  If by the unlikely and unfortunate event that one of you guest entered the unit and failed to have the exact change for the exit door, Vinny usually arranges for pick-up the next business day, at that time Vinny will usually release the guest for a small fee.

     Everyone should learn from their mistakes, by now you should be a genius by now or if not already, you will certainly be one after this party. We thank you for your business and know you will have successful party. Furthermore, here are some tips to make your party even more successful, as an ice breaker if the dinner conversation stalls, ask if anyone knows what the blue liquid in the porta-potties is called.  I know you have been at dinners and observed guest drinking from the finger bowls. To discourage this substitute turpentine and lemon juice for the water.

MorriCat & Sons
Certified Party Animals

"It is not too late to laugh"

HOUSEHOLD HINT #72 for the career bachelor

SOCK IT TO ME

Today is a special day. you got up early enough to eat breakfast. You believe, rightly so, that a celebration is necessary. Donuts and coffee on the veranda seems appropriate. .

You could just sit down with your coffee and donut, dip the donut in the coffee and enjoy. for a better experience, and avoidance of scalded fingers from the hot coffee, take off one of your socks, place the donut in the sock and dip the sock with the donut in the coffee. The sock can be even worn again after it dries.

You may be pleasantly surprised with the flavor of the coffee imparted by the sock. Not only have you avoided scalded fingers from the hot coffee but the donut is now soft enough to eat without breaking a tooth and you will not have to wash that sock.

A mostly unscientific survey of 100 men who tried this, found that 59 preferred the donut in a sock dipped in coffee, to an anchovy smoothie


MorriCat & Sons
Purveyors of  Gourmet Vittles

FISH STORY

SCIENTIFIC NAMES OF FISH

Members of Congress in an unprecedented show of bipartisanship and pork barrel politics, have introduced a bill, HR1984, that requires all members of the public to always refer to fish by their scientific names.  Additional provisions of the bill will require the revision of all books, movies and other media which contain references to fish. Although in some cases redacting of the reference may suffice.

As there are more than 20000 unique species of fish pisces, some of you may have difficulty remembering the names of each species (some of you have trouble remembering your children's names), cheer up, the provision in the original bill calling for a mandatory 3  year prison sentence, has been deleted. now only fines, based on market conditions or the estimated ability of the perpetrator to pay (whichever is greater) will be imposed. The authors of HR1984 had intended to exempt children under 8 from the penalties, but research determined that mobile apps, developed by video retailers and porn site operators will easily allow the debiting of  their parents' bank account to pay any fines. New provisions of HR1984 have now lowered the age of children subject to fines to 2 years 3 months.

An amendment now calls for the establishing of a federal agency to licence and collect fees from people who want to fish catch a piscis. Each licence is to be gender and species specific, this is in addition  to any state licencing requirements. Dogs will need a licence also, but per long standing custom cats will be exempt from all licencing requirements. To assist with revenue collections, the NSA is over seeing the installation of 24 hour video surveillance at all lake over 10 acres.

The penalty provisions of the law will commence immediately after approval of the senate and signing by the President. Provisions for the revision or redacting of the media, will be delayed until January, 2nd of 2018.

The Federal Fish Police is to be re-branded as The Ichthyology Patrol, and expanded by 200,000 additional officers (at least cover most of 132,000 lakes over 10 acres in the United States). These officers will be highly qualified alleged relatives, friends of your Congressman or descendants of their dogs.. The anticipated decrease in the welfare rolls will be a welcome result.  

Soon you can expect to see officers of The Ichthyology Patrol, in their stylish and neatly tailored silvery iridescent uniforms with the camouflage gray back (I must say that I find the hat with the large google eyes and fins is a little over the top). Look for them lurking near the seafood counters in supermarkets or under Lily Pads in farm ponds.

Passage is expected to be unanimous barring the possible opposition by the representative from Kansas who wants all references of 'scientific' in the bill to be deleted.  

Words of caution, a slip of the tongue may cost you money, officers of the Ichthyology Patrol are authorized an expected to levy and collect fines (or even nice shoes) on the spot.  You may want to enroll in Professor MorriCat's Online School of Fish Pisces, there you can expect to learn how to recognize the different species, their scientific name and the pronunciation. Our cadre of CPE' (Certified Pisces Eaters), are available to assist you 24/7. There you will learn, when dining, the difference between a Phoxinus Phoxinus and an Oncorhynchus Mykiss. or mistakenly ordering calceamentum de soleus instead of Solea soles, when dining in a fine restaurant this knowledge will be crucial.

We envision a growing need for people who can edit and revise media, or who have experience and ability to train waitstaff and supermarket clerks for the upcoming changes in the law.

MorriCat, CPE

Ichthyes International Oceanic Services

"Ignorance can be cured, stupidity is forever"