POLICE REPORT

City Of Marble June 16th

9:00 AM Driver of semi-truck with 60 foot trailer, inquired of best route to Crested Butte, I checked GPS and directed him up Daniels Hill and through Crystal. Felt nice to begin day with a good deed.

9:45 AM Report of bear riffling through trash cans on Main Street. I found Fluffy Bear, age unknown, address unknown, arrested him for vagrancy. He was later released on personal recognizance.

10:55 AM stopped for complimentary donuts and coffee at Second Street Coffee Shop.

11:15 visit to emergency room, had stomach pumped. Called health department and posted complaint about Second Street Coffee Shop.

1:30 PM Fat lady reported speeding on bicycle near Silver Street. A high speed chase ensued, and Miss Bernice Johnson age 87, of River City, Iowa apprehended and charged with resisting arrest and having excessively large thighs.

3:00 PM Arrested Starbuck the dog for urinating in public. Issued a citation and released her to the custody of  her parents. She has requested a jury trial. We are currently trying to assemble a jury of her peers.

4:15 PM received report of chicken crossing road, found Chicken Little in a confused state on the north side of road. Could not determine why she crossed the road, ticketed her for Jay walking. Later found good recipe for chicken soup.

6:00 PM Attacked by familiar looking, rabid, semi-truck driver, ripped clothing, covered with scratches and blood. He was wielding a large jack handle and screaming incoherently, something about worst #@!!###%**!! highway in the world, devil's punch bowl and $200,000 truck completely destroyed. I was able to calm him by applying several shocks from my Taser then sent him to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

6:30 PM Captured runaway pig in vicinity of 2nd and Main St, highly agitated, squealing,  constantly giggling and delusional, claiming to be the Mayor of Flint Michigan , after I consigned her to the custody of the chef at Slow Groovin' BBQ. He was apparently able to calm her as the squealing soon ceased. I plan to check on her tonight at dinner.

7:00 PM Domestic disturbance reported at Meg and John Blackburn residence,   I  investigated and arrested little Billy Blackburn age 10, for failure to eat all his vegetables. He is being held without bail and placed in the pillory until the circuit judge arrives next week.

7:30 PM rolled up sidewalks and extinguished the street lamps. Another productive day.  I congratulated myself on keeping the good citizens of the City of Marble safe from felons, highwaymen, social workers and other despicable persons for another day.

MorriCat
Chief Constable and Dustbin Cleaner for the City of Marble
6/16/2015