SHOO FLY

IF THE SHOE FITS

    Although shoes have been around  a really long time. They have not always been accepted or extensively used, as late as the middle ages common people did not wear shoes, only the elite.  Anthropologists have found evidence of primitive shoes in ancient Egyptian tombs and in caves used by Neanderthals in France. There is some suspicion that shoes were introduced to humans by horses as the first shoes were little more than oval pieces of iron. In this case the Fashion police did not prevail, the majority of men objected to having chunks of iron nailed to their feet. A great setback in shoe development, shoes were regulated to just another passing fad, and bare feet remained the standard for several years.Even today it is illegal for women to wear shoes in parts of West Virginia and Kentucky.     

    As time went by there were many refinements in shoe design, iron was replaced by wood and plastic as the material  of choice, and leather straps supplanted nails as fasteners. A typical shoe consisted of a slab of wood or plastic attached to the foot by means of a leather strap. Other materials were tried, such as mud, grass, leaves and silk. Soon to come were great leaps in technological developments. Most notable was the use of different materials in the construction of the foot coverings. Leather being more flexible and easier to work with became favored over wood. Plastic quickly lost market share, as it hadn't been invented yet and was hence very difficult to obtain.  Leather  became the standard  for many years. Lately the bovine league has been able by an extensive public relations program to convince the public that plastic shoes are more fashionable, resulting in more contented and less nervous cows.

    

    Men's shoes have seen few changes over the years, originally the right and left shoes were identically shaped, with a R on the right shoe and a L on the left shoe to facilitate differentiation. A major design advance was adding a slight left hand curve to the left shoe and a slight right hand curve to the right shoe for easier differentiation. I am not convinced of the effectiveness of this advance as without the R &  written on the shoes, many men are confused. For further clarification, even with the R & L on the shoes most men are confused.

    On the other hand women's shoes, which appear to be designed and manufactured by a group of misogynistic fashion designers, have constantly changed. Many men have been driven into bankruptcy by wives frantically driven to keep up with the current shoe fashions. Much is unclear about the sizing of women's shoes. Most shoe sizes appear to be mislabeled, usually one to three sizes to large, women have been known to send hours trying to squeeze their delicate little foot into a size 3 shoe that is marked as a size 6. Women have been know to spend thousands of dollars and long hours in psychotherapy because they mistakenly believe they have big feet.

    Specialized shoes were soon developed. We have all heard  the expression, 'well heeled', usually referring to someone who is rich, this is derived from shoes with high heels that were produced for kings and queens, who apparently were descended from a race of very short people. Vertically disadvantaged and bad tempered, they were often known to remove the heads of some  of their taller subjects so as to level the playing field. Desperate advisors and sycophants were at last able to flatter them into wearing shoes with high heels. At first prone to topple over, they soon embraced the style as they now towered over their subjects.

   The golf shoe was developed around 850 AD. It is believed that, on a bitterly cold day in January of 848 AD, the avid golfer and renown idler,  Angus McDuffie  was playing in the final round of the Scottish Open. Down 4 strokes, frustrated and unable to concentrate on his game with the icicles growing larger and more numerous between his toes, Angus, in a flash of brilliance, took the head covers from his driver and 2 wood and pulled them over his feet. The welcome warmth from woolen club covers along with several nips of Irish  whiskey soon revived the dear lad. Much refreshed, Angus, not only made up the 4 strokes, but managed to finish 2 strokes ahead of the field. Alas victory was snatched away as the judges determined he was using unauthorized equipment. No, not as you may think, because of the makeshift shoes, but due to the use of the Irish whiskey, which was not at that time the national drink of Scotland.

    

    Disappointed with the decision of the judges, but, happy with the warm feet, and even happier after several additional nips of the Irish whiskey, Angus, troddled  home to his beloved spouse Agnes. The wee lass, naturally shocked and surprised to see him home while he was still sober and with money remaining in his pocket, inquiring as to his health, initial disappointment that he was not dying quickly gave way to feelings of avarice when he told her of his  two accidental discoveries, i.e. the benefits of foot coverings and economically priced Irish whiskey.

    Angus and Agnes quickly raised their standard of living from  abject despair and absolute destitution, to a level approaching poverty. The use of leather instead of wool in the construction of the shoes and the addition of metal spikes to improve the gripping power were major advances. Input from from purchaser's soon resulted in the re-positioning of the spikes, from pointing upward on the inside of the shoe, to the outside and pointing down. Other major improvements in the next 1100 years have only consisted of the addition of tassels.

    Recent developments in shoe technology include the shoe bomb, at first a spectacular failure, now being studied by the Department of Homeland Security. Another failed development was the Smart shoe, developed in the 1970’s, incorporated a telephone in a shoe. This eventually was abandoned as the developers were never able to solve the problem with the cord, and hence severely limited the distance one could walk..Today several cell phone manufacturers, along with Google, have resumed work on the Smart shoe. A new prototype is expected presently.

Who knows what the next advancement in shoe technology will be, Even now several entrepreneurs are working on features such as the electric shoe, recycled shoes, tight shoes, and most amazingly, a comfortable shoe. One can only await these developments with bated breath.

MorriCat

Fashion designer extraordinar 

12/27/2014

    

FUZZY NAVAL?

DO YOU HAVE BELLY BUTTON LINT?

     Are you embarrassed by the gargantuan collection of lint in your belly button? Do you hide in the closet to remove your shirt? Are you ashamed to be seen in bikini? Do you find yourself flipping through the infomercials on late night TV hoping to find a solution to the growing tangle of lint in your navel? Do not despair, what you have long considered an embarrassing problem may instead be your path to financial independence or at least solvency.

     Recent technological advances have given rise to a fantastic new industry. Scientists have developed a super fabric from belly button lint subjected to extreme pressure applied at temperatures approaching absolute zero. Having all the strength of tissue paper and able to accept the most subtle hues. Hues approaching absolute dullness. These characteristics of fragility, extreme dullness and outrageous expense make this fabric consequently eminently suited for high fashion. Although this writer would hesitate to attempt any usage of this super fabric other than possibly Homeland Security uniforms, several prominent fashion designers have embraced the use of this new super fabric in their most avant-garde and expensive creations. You are welcome to form your own opinion of this, but I suspect these cretins harbor a deeply held hatred of women, homeless men and puppies.

     Previously, it was believed that belly button lint was similar to clothes dryer lint. Recent research has debunked that theory, it has now been determined that collections of lint in belly buttons result from hairs on your belly rubbing against your clothing and pulling loose fibers into the belly button. People with extremely hairy bellies tend to collect more lint. Also more lint is collected from new and unwashed clothing.

     A cottage industry of independent contractors, are now able to collect lint while going about their day-to-day business, many even hold down other full time jobs. Once the lint is collected, it is sent to our factory, where it is sanitized, graded, sorted by color, placed in bales and woven into cloth. The best lint collectors tend to remain unwashed and buy, and wear the same shirt for weeks. we have found a fertile recruiting ground in the Chicago area, in particular among former and current Chicago Bears fans.

     At the Fuzzy Navel Club of Northern Indiana, the president for life, who has requested to remain anonymous, invited us to address the membership. We were surprised at the turnout, over 400 large, hairy, sweaty men all clamoring for beer. It was explained to us that the turnout was larger than usual as the members expected us to buy the beer. After surveying the audience, we determined it would be prudent to perhaps buy a few rounds. This turned out to be a good strategy as we were able to recruit several extremely effective collectors, many of whom had collections filling several rooms. One poor man had been reduced to sleeping on his patio as all of his rooms were stuffed with lint, admittedly an inconvenience, he was able to be listed in the Guinness Book of Records. Our arrival created a fortunate situation for both the club members and for us. They were happy to sell their lint collection and regain the use of their homes, and we obtained practically and unlimited supply of useful raw materials.

     I am proud to say that our industry has been greatly beneficial and most welcome in the state of North Dakota. It had been feared that the recent dramatic drop in oil price would render the oil industry in North Dakota unprofitable resulting in massive unemployment. While true our jobs are not as financial rewarding as those in the oil industry, we provide the opportunity for men (and some women) especially those with really hairy bellies, to hold their head high, knowing are providing a useful service and at the same time achieve the American dream.

     We need your help. As lucrative as this business has been, we expect that researchers will soon developed artificial belly button lint. Possibly of higher quality, and certainly less expensive, however, you should read the label carefully as it may contain harmful additives with devastating side effects. Even now there are rumors that several Chinese companies are aggressively pursuing reverse engineering and expect to soon have a competitive product on the market. Please do not be deceived their offering, as it is alleged to be of inferior quality and based on clothes dryer lint.

     If you are as patriotic as I hope you are, please lobby you congressman to pass laws establishing tariff or even authorize a navel blockade to protect the American belly button lint industry, and save American jobs.

MorriCat

Commander Fuzzy Naval Academy

12/20/14

SNOWFLAKE by HELEN KLINE

SNOWFLAKE

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A SMALL SNOWFLAKE. HE WAS BORN ONE MORNING DURING THE FIRST SNOW FALL OF THE WINTER. AS HE FELL SO SLOWLY TO THE ALREADY SNOW COVERED EARTH HE NOTICED THE CHILDREN PLAYING IN THE SNOW. THEY WORE BRIGHT COLORFUL COATS AND STOCKING CAPS WITH A PUFFY TASSEL ON THE TOP, THAT WOULD BOUNCE ALL AROUND AS THEY RAN AND ROLLED IN THE SNOW. THEIR LAUGHTER COULD BE HEARD, AS THEY WOULD MAKE A SNOWBALL TOSSING IT IN THE AIR FOR THE PUPPY TO CHASE. LITTLE SNOWFLAKE COULD HARDLY WAIT TO LAND ON THE SNOW BELOW SO HE COULD PLAY WITH ALL THE CHILDREN.

JUST AS SNOWFLAKE TOUCHED THE GROUND, A LITTLE BOY WHO HAD BEEN HIDING BEHIND A TREE REACHED DOWN AND SCOOPED UP A HANDFUL OF SNOW. SNOWFLAKE FELT EAGER TO BE HIS FRIEND AND WAS HAPPY. THE BOY PRESSED ALL THE SNOW VERY TIGHT AND THE BALL BECAME VERY HARD. “OH BOY,” THOUGHT THE LITTLE SNOWFLAKE, “NOW I WILL BE ABLE TO PLAY WITH THE CHILDREN.”

SNOWFLAKE WAS SOON TO LEARN THIS WAS NOT A VERY NICE LITTLE BOY, HE DID NOT INTEND TO PLAY WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN. HIS FACE WAS WRINKLED WITH A FROWN AND HIS MOUTH HAD A SLY GRIN AS HE PEERED AROUND THE TREE, WHERE HE HAD BEEN HIDING. HE WATCHED AS THE CHILDREN PLAYED, WAITING FOR THEM TO COME CLOSER. SNOWFLAKE WAS CONFUSED AND HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND.

THE BOY WATCHED AS A SMALL BOY, WHO WAS TOSSING A SNOWBALL FOR HIS PUPPY CAME CLOSER TO THE TREE. HE WAS LAUGHING, AS HIS PUPPY WOULD JUMP AND RUN AFTER THE SNOWBALL. THEY DID NOT NOTICE THE BOY WITH THE FROWN. AS THE SMALL BOY THREW HIS SNOWBALL CLOSE TO THE TREE, THE PUPPY RAN HAPPILY TO FETCH IT, SUDDENLY THE FROWNING BOY JUMPED OUT FROM BEHIND THE TREE AND THREW HIS HARD SNOWBALL WHERE SNOWFLAKE WAS SO FIRMLY PRESSED. TO SNOWFLAKES HORROR, IT WAS FLYING TOWARDS THE LITTLE BOYS FACE. SNOWFLAKE WAS HELPLESS AND COULD NOT STOP FROM HITTING THE LITTLE BOY.

“OH HOW AWFUL SNOWFLAKE FELT!” HE NEVER WANTED TO HURT THE LITTLE BOY; HE ONLY WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE CHILDREN. THE SMALL BOY COVERED HIS FACE AND BEGAN TO CRY. THE FROWNING BOY RAN AWAY LAUGHING HE WAS A VERY NASTY LITTLE BOY. ALL OF THE OTHER CHILDREN CAME RUNNING WIPING THE SNOW FROM THE BOYS FACE AND WIPING HIS TEARS WITH THEIR MITTENS. THEY HUGGED AND KISSED HIM UNTILL HE STOPPED CRYING. THE LITTLE SNOWFLAKE FELL TO THE GROUND IN A HEAP. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE HE WOULD HAVE CRIED ALSO, BUT HE COULD ONLY JUST MELT. THE PUPPY CAME TO WHERE HE WAS AND BEGAN TO ROLL IN THE SNOW AND AS HE DID LITTLE SNOWFLAKE STUCK TO HIS NOSE. PUPPY BEGAN TO BARK, ALL THE CHILDREN SAW THIS, AND THEY LAUGHED AT SUCH WHAT A CUTE SNOWFLAKE THIS WAS. THE LITTLE BOY WALKED OVER TO THE PUPPY AND WIPED THE SNOWFLAKE ONTO HIS MITTEN. HE SMILED AND SAID THIS WAS THE PRETTIEST SNOWFLAKE HE HAD EVER SEEN, AS IT GLISSENED IN THE SUN LIGHT.

NEVER AGAIN WAS SNOWFLAKE SAD. HE WOULD ALWAYS BE HAPPY FOR THE NICE LITTLE CHILDREN THAT CAME TO PLAY IN THE FRESH NEW SNOW. REMEMBER THAT FOR EVERY SNOWFLAKE THERE ARE NO TWO ALIKE AND THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A SNOWFLAKE FALL FROM THE SKY REMEMBER THIS LITTLE SNOWFLAKE AND SMILE. HE WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO PLAY WITH THE CHILDREN DURING THE NEXT NEW SNOWFALL.

THE END

HELEN KLINE

SAVE OUR BEARS

DON’T CRIMINALIZE BEARS

Recent incidences of bears turning over dumpsters and breaking into peoples homes and urinating in public, have Aspen City Council Members panicking.  After a quickly called emergency council meeting, police were instructed to aggressively enforce the bear ordinances. Citations will be issued with hefty Aspen sized fines and when appropriate, jail time. In anticipation of the increased the Aspen police is being enhanced by the addition of 3 new patrol officers and 18 new meter maids. All police personnel, including the meter maids, janitors, and trustees are beings sent to the New York City Police Academy, for CPR refresher training, an intense course in community relations procedures, how to identify a real gun, advanced choke-hold techniques, the many uses of the Taser, using your Smith & Wesson 44 for crowd control, and deflecting accusations of police brutality.

Aspen jail spokesperson Bubba Johnson Jr, says. ''The jail's policy is to accept all inmates regardless of race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, or species.''  Problems may arise, because of expected retrofit needed to provide reasonable accommodations for the bears. Costs are expected to exceed $250,000,000 (cost overruns are expected).  Budget constraints will require that plans for the jail’s new swimming pool, sauna, steam-bath,  wet bar and the outdoor Olympic sized shuffleboard court, be put on hold.

Consensus among regular residents of the jail, were unanimous in opposition to sharing living quarters with bears, considering loss of their proposed amenities. The bee hives and nut and berry bushes do not generate as much resentment as the agreement to let the bears sleep for up to 3 months. Mumbling and grumbling about the probability of the anticipated snoring was intense the hardened felons who were attempting rehabilitation expressed concerns that their water coloring and knitting classes will be disrupted, jailers and even some of the masseurs are growing nervous. . Many of the more hardened felons, career criminals and frequent inmates expressed plans to take their business elsewhere, Vail and Steamboat Springs were two of the most popular considered alternatives, with East Ranielle, West Virginia a close third.

Several bears have expressed the intent to leave their ancestral home before the police return in late February. Neighboring municipalities are already gearing up for an influx of immigrants. So far there have been no overtures of welcome from any entity other than the Pitkin County dump, where several bears are currently employed as garbage sorting technicians..

Rumors of any change in Aspen generates controversy and opposition . Spontaneous demonstrations are even now being organized, both for and against the bears and their rights. Many Aspen residents and tourists are eager to participate in the demonstration, comments such as; this will be bigger than Ferguson, and who’s got the matches and let’s party,  abound. Several people have expressed the intentions to march in both demonstrations.

Street vendors hawking hoodies and sweatshirts with the acronym expressing the Save Our Bears motto have already begin to appear.  NFL scouts have been seen driving white SUV’s through the alleys at dusk, looking for possible recruits from the bear community. We have from a sometimes reliable source that the theory is ‘ a good solid felony conviction would be as good as a college degree for a linebacker’.  The practically unknown musician, ‘Bear Donkey’, who bills himself as the world’s worst rapper, will be performing a benefit concert for bear’s rights, titled ‘Let it all hang out’. Other celebrities and politicians  have yet to express any interest or disinterest in supporting the bears..  An apt description of the situation would be ‘an overwhelming wave of apathy’. There have been flocks of animal and civil rights activities over-running Aspen. Everyday you can see civil rights workers registering bears to vote. Hotels are full and waits in restaurants are approaching 3 hours. and It is expected that as the movement grows they will be an abundance of photo ops and more celebrities and politicians are expected to jump on the bandwagon.

In a town as affluent as Aspen it is shameful to see one of our most precious resources, the bear, treated so shabbily. I am adamantly in favor of obeying the law, but, sometimes the law can be unjust. I believe this is the case with the persecution of the bears, and plan to work diligently to have the law repealed.. In the coming weeks in Aspen you may well see bears, some dressed in Santa suits, standing on street corners, holding cans with placards reading ‘please help soon to be homeless’, support our bears, give to the SOB fund. Empathy is all well and good, but money is better. Give til it stops hurting!

MorriCat

Champion of social justice

12/7/2014

SEASONS

Spring, a new beginning, crisp mornings, perfumes of flowers, gentle rain and promises of warmth. Dreams begin.

Summer, long lazy days, warm nights, we walk in moonlight, as the dream continues, we doze in warm sun.

Autumn, time to reflect, no longer young, nor yet old, floods of golds and browns, as flowers bow their heads.

Winter, cool blankets of white with sparkling diamonds cover the land. God is near, all is well, we dream of heaven.

life continues...

WHAT'S NEWS PUSSYCAT?

Essential facts about news.

Ever wonder where news comes from? Anthropologists have discovered evidence of news circa 6600 BC during the reign of the long and gratefully forgotten Egyptian pharaoh, King Tsh-Tsh-Bushamba, a progressive almost liberal ruler, he believed that if his subjects were better educated, they would be more productive and he could collect more gold. After assembling his trusted advisers and many wise men he assigned them the task of  educating his subjects.  As Egyptians do not at this time play football or basketball, there was no practical purpose to have schools or institutes of higher learning.  After years of study and polls of citizens, the concept of relating to the common citizens about the happenings of the day was developed. There appears to be no requirement for accuracy or truth in this recounting of events, only the requirement to present what the general populace wishes to hear or what the rulers wish them to believe.

News is a renewable resource. Everyday and sometimes more often, there appears to be a bottomless cornucopia overflowing with a variety of news, good news, bad news, true news, news you are glad is not true, fashion news, sports and most importantly news about celebrities. News accumulates during the day and is presented to the eager public in just before dinner, and again just before bedtime. Is the news good for you?  I repeat, the news is presented to you just before dinner and again just before bedtime (you be the judge). Personally I attribute poor digestion and many sleepless nights to this timing.

Should children and small animals be exposed to news? The general consensus is no, news has too much violence and prurient content, considering there is the possibility that some of the news could be accurate, it is determined that their time would be better spent playing video games, or watching educational television such as, 'WWF Superstars of Wrestling', 'Dancing With The Stars', or even 'America's got Talent'. Where they could learn new and useful skills.

How do you get your news? A recent scientific survey has determined that 49% of people get their news from Kim Kardashian's 'tweets' 27% from conservative or liberal talk radio (both completely objective). 32% have lost the television remote and now watch nothing but the Home Shopping Network. My preference for news is Marge's Hair and Nail Solon, there you can get all the breaking and prurient news much of which is very interesting, I am always curious as to the activities of my neighbors. Patrons of Marge's Hair and Nail Solon, have a motto, “Don't let yourself become news”.

News should be true, accurate and presented in a manner easily understood.  To the best of my knowledge this is and has always been the case, witness the White House press releases.

What happens to 'old' news? News is basically juvenile, although on occasion some news will mature, when this happens it becomes history. No one knows much about history, although rumored to be useful, and once required study for Junior High School students, it has fallen out of favor and is now only known to a few dedicated scholars. These scholars (also called historians) are easily recognized by their uniform.   Baggy trousers, brown tweed jackets, narrow ties (plaid usually), thick (3/8 inch) glasses and an unlit pipe sticking from their mouth, a senior historian is differentiated by a long gray speckled beard, dotted with dried soup and bread crumbs.

In conclusion; news can be very useful as it enables you to fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time.  All-in-all that should be enough for most purposes.

MorriCat,

Purveyor of Truths

December 1^st 2014

BARE FACTS

Grin and bear it

Bears are large furry creatures, with big teeth and sharp claws. They are often misunderstood, despite their size and fearsome appearance, they are placid and gentle creatures, preferring to spend their days in quiet activities such as fishing, knitting, literary clubs or discussing the merits of California wines. Their primary diet consists of nuts and berries although many have developed a taste for caviar. Not highly motivated beasts bears spend much of their time asleep, on occasion they will sleep continuously for several weeks.

Poverty has long been a problem for bears. Unemployment among bears in the United States has reached an all time high. Few if any bears have full time jobs, Smokey and Yogi Bear being notable exceptions. Others have found positions in show business, that is in circuses and zoos or as street performers dancing and playing the Hurdy-Gurdy for tips. Restricted to these low paying positions, remuneration usually consisting of only room and board. Working conditions are often abominable with, long hours, noise, no personal internet usage, smoke breaks or access to Starbucks. Some more entrepreneurial bears have even begun a garbage sorting and recycling business in mountain resorts at first fairly successful, complaints from extremely liberal residents has resulted in unduly restrictive regulations. As a result this work must often be performed clandestinely in many areas.

Bears are at a disadvantage in the job market, most are illiterate, few have drivers licenses or even state ID's. It is estimated that less than 10% have cell phones. Many employers are now running credit checks and requiring drug testing as conditions of employment. Bears naturally resent and resist these requirements. Employers are also leery of their sleep habits, fearing their attendance might be erratic.

If not home schooled, educational opportunities are severely limited. Consolidation has left many bear communities without access to local schools, a situation which  I expect to persist without access to more off-road school buses. Teachers are also wary of having bears in the classroom. It is a common belief that they are disruptive troublemakers. Bear children consequently spend much of the time they should be learning in detention halls, forced to listen to hours of Barry Manilow tunes? As a result, literacy rates among bears is lower than professional football players, and only slightly above reality show audiences

Bears are definitely treated as second class citizens, victims of rampant prejudice, being treated worse than used car salesmen, homeless people, undocumented immigrants, feral chickens and in some cases even republicans. Several states have passed laws allowing and even encouraging the killing of bears for a fee. There are few if any bear families that have not lost a loved one to these gallant sportsmen.

Housing conditions are deplorable. The majority of bears are forced to inhabit cold damp caves or hollow logs. Central heating, running water, indoor plumbing, and electric are all considered luxuries and are generally unavailable. Gregarious animals the entire family may share a single room, certainly an inducement for children to move out. Few of these bear families have access to the internet or cable TV.

Much as I deplore and sympathize with the plight of bears, I cannot recommend visits by social workers or environmental activists. Considering that bears are rather large animals with large teeth and sharp claws. I suspect they may be inclined to change their dietary habits if an opportunity arises.

MorriCat

Animal Rights Advocate

REFLECTIONS

YESTERDAY IS ALWAYS.

Forever memories, a long forgotten kiss, far away, now only a faint dream. It may not have been, but always I shall wish it had.

The breath of angels comes newly to my thoughts as sounds upon the wind. I remember you, remember now and forever.

Warmth of sun upon my brow brings only remembrance of your touch. A touch never to be forgotten.

Now I have peace, now I have love. in this the best of all possible worlds. if this be madness let it linger.

To be continued...

AN UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE

In need of relaxation, I thought to avail myself of one of the many ocean cruises offered this Fall. I called a local travel agency to inquire. It was difficult to choose from the many options. Finally I picked an intriguing little trip through the Caribbean for seven days in December. A penthouse suite was available for what I felt was a fair price of only $12000, plus $3900 for the single supplement.

Imagine my surprise when the agent offered me a discount! That’s right, a discount! For several moments I was speechless, I had to ask him to repeat his statement. Surely I had misheard, but no, it was true he had offered a 30% discount. In order to regain my composure I settled lower into my chair stared at the light fixture and pondered the fate of the many flies which had became trapped in the globe. If I have ever been more insulted, l have long forgotten. It is regrettable that dueling is no longer fashionable. In another time I would have demanded satisfaction, certainly arranging a dawn encounter with pistols.

Finally I was able to rise from the chair, I mumbled incoherently that I must take the cat to the Vet and stumbled from the office. The journey home was nerve racking. Fearing that old ladies might offer me their seat if I were to ride the bus, I slunked to my house, staying as much as possible in shadows trying to avoid homeless people who would certainly offer me money. Sweat was rolling from my brow and all my limbs were shaking. Never was I more embarrassed.

What was happening to me? Had I became old? Were my clothes no longer fashionable? Did I appear to be a pauper? Would I be expelled from my clubs? How was this to affect my social status? How will this affect my golf game? I have always proudly paid full price (or more) for everything! Under no circumstance will I allow myself to be classed with the common bourgeoisie, peasants or proletariat. No, I cannot countenance the giving or acceptance of discounts to one of my class. Just thinking of the experience causes me to swoon and my pulse to race and I must take rest.

After a long nap and a bowl of warm cream my normal calmness returned. I concluded that the entire unpleasant experience could only be attributed to the ignorance and incredible rudeness of the clerk.

Vowing not to have my spirits crushed, I called another travel agency and was able to arrange a cruise at twice the regular price. All is well in my world.

MorriCat, Paragon of sophistication

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CHICKEN SOUP

 10-13-14

A Chicken in Every Pot

Is it time to worry?

Our town, once a quiet and peaceful village has been overrun by herds of feral chickens. Not ordinary chickens these are genetically modified with genes from asparagus and peppermint. I understand why they tunneled out of their cages and are running wild. The were being fed a diet of fried kale, and boiled okra seasoned with high fructose corn syrup. Furthermore they were subjected to hours spent in locked rooms watching Dancing with the Stars and editing political advertisements. This treatment is so inhumane that many have begged to be water-boarded.

 After escaping, many of these formerly placid and timid birds, some now exceeding 60 pounds or more, have been observed congregating in herds of 100 or more, marching through the streets carrying signs encouraging the consumption of more beef. Size is not the only result of these added genetic modifications, many of these demon birds have developed an attitude and/or have personality changes. Some have been observed to have been observed with feathers dyed a bright red and are now professing to be Republicans. Others, mostly the young toughs are wearing black headbands and Che Guevara t-shirts, these usually congregate on poorly lit street corners or dark alleyways, smoke unfiltered cigarettes and sip wine from brown paper bags. 

 Both groups are terrifying, last week there were several incidences of bears being terrorized by these bands of marauding chickens. We are already suffering from this, as hundreds of the bears have left, the garbage formerly being processed by the bears is accumulating in our town. Sidewalks are becoming slippery and unsanitary, only the unwise and naive now venture out after dusk. Reports of domestic chickens being kidnapped and held for ransom or forced into marriage, are becoming frequent.

On a brighter note, most mornings there has been an abundant harvest of farm fresh extra large eggs. So many eggs have been harvested that a new industry has been formed. The grandmothers of our community have started a class to teach people how to suck eggs. Students pay a minimal fee and can earn 2 credit hours.

Our situation is becoming intolerable. The President has authorized air strikes, however, requests for troops on the ground have been denied as being too dangerous. To date the air strikes have had little success, the only result has been 3 domestic chickens killed and one wounded canary.

We had feared that all was lost until Renard Volpone, of Volpone & Son's LLC, responded to our ad on Craig's List. He quickly organized convoys of trucks containing hundreds of barbecue grills, several 55 gallon barrels of cooking oil, tons of french fries and Coleslaw. To operate this equipment, other trucks filled with baby boomers from southern California, have already begun to arrive.

So confident are we that the situation is in well in hand, that party invitations have already been sent to residents of the neighboring towns. It appears that we will have an early Thanksgiving. All proceeds are to be distributed to local animal shelters.

Late development, RBCC Inc (Really Big Chemical Company Inc) has obtained a restraining order, preventing Volpana & Sons from continuing actions against these innocent and rapacious birds. Furthermore, they have instigated a lawsuit against our town seeking monetary damages for patent violations.

Woe is all, now I worry.

MorriCat

Your Intrepid war correspondent

TOAD STORY

TOAD STORY

Rising crime rates has caused some businesses in Marble to take precautions that were not previously necessary. In order to stop theft and destruction of property during non-business hours. Many businesses have resorted to hiring armed guards, or expensive trained attack dogs. Others have tried using poisonous snakes or spiders, believing that to be more cost effective.

There are drawbacks to all of the above methods. Armed guards can be unreliable, sometimes having difficulty staying awake or even waking up to come to work. Attack dogs are more alert as they wake up quicker, however, they occasionally have trouble telling friend from foe, resulting in a high turnover in hired help. Attack dogs have also been known to leave the premises in an unsanitary condition. Poisonous snakes and spiders being rather quiet, are not as effective as a deterrent, they are more of a final solution. You would also be advised to have a strict inventory control in order to avoid potential embarrassing and expensive incidences with the hired help or customers.

As an alternative to these, costly, unreliable and sometime dangerous solutions, MorriCat and Sons Enterprises inc., partnered with the American Toad Society has developed trained Watch Toads. Businessmen can now sleep worry free at night, knowing these reliable, inexpensive and loyal toads will protect your property, at a fraction of the cost of other methods.

Effective? Yes, the mere sight of the vicious, wart covered, molted green and brown toad, has been known to send many of the more timid thieves or vandals running and screaming from the premises. If any miscreant should be so incautious as to proceed, the toads have been trained to bear their fangs, give a terrifying roar and pounce on the felon, holding and ravaging him until the police arrive (in Marble this may be as long as a week).

Consider Watch Toads as an inexpensive, reliable and safe method to secure your place of business. Remember toads eat flies too.

MorriCat

CEO

MorriCat and Sons Enterprises Inc.

AVIDITY

AVIDITY FOR THE COMMON MAN

Have you ever felt an overwhelming desire to use the word "Avidity " in a sentence,  but refrained because you were unsure of its meaning?

For many years I was under the impression that "Avidity" described the process of a blind man shaving a goat.  Fortunately I was recently advised of my error.  You can imagine my surprise and  Disappointment.  Vowing not to be discouraged,  I consoled myself with several bowls of cream,  catnip stuffed cat toys and the satisfaction and relief that I had avoided embarrassment and ridcule.

Despite the groundswell of apathy concerning “Avidity”,  I have been able to obtain a grant from the National Science Foundation, creating the American Avidity Association, to study and develop Avidity.  You may already have been contacted by one of our pollsters.  Early results found that 81% of teenage girls believe that “avidity” means “whatever”.  Teenage boys were more divided, 14% believe that “avidity” is the requirement to wear plaid on Tuesdays.  Another 32% are of the opinion that “avidity” describes the migration of a type of flounder from the waters of New Zealand to Fiji.  45% were unable to read the question (some are still trying).  The remaining 9% thought it was a new video game and gave our pollsters $149.00 each.  In hindsight, was probably not necessary or cost effective to use water-boarding to elicit answers (in the future our pollsters will be aware that our grant is from the NSF, not the NSA).  Although many of the persons polled have since recovered a degree of normalcy and function quite well unless exposed to sudden noise or bright light.  

After diligent analysis of the polling results and my catnip dreams, I have determined that “avidity” is an archaic word, no longer in common usage. I am unable to conceive of anyone using it, Therefore, I have cut from my dictionary, I have also cut out “avail” which was on the back of the page. Neither word shall again pass my lips.

MorriCat

Executive director

American Avidity Association

9/23/2014

LIGHTNING OR LIGHTENING

KEEP US #1

I have recently been appraised of a disturbing statistic.

Apparently, on average 51 people are killed by lightning each year in the United States.

This year is almost 3/4th over and there have been only 20 deaths year to date.

This leaves a deficit of 31 deaths to be filled in the next 97 days.

The apathy of the population of the United States is appalling. I feel compelled to raise a call for action. Get off that couch or out of that comfortable chair work off some of that flab you have been accumulating over these last years. Climb  a mountain, play more golf swim during thunderstorms (you are wet anyway) or at least stand under the tallest tree you can find (trees are you friends).

Many people confuse lightning (an electrostatic discharge) with lightening (decent of the uterus in the pelvic cavity). Something must be done about this prevalence of wide spread ignorance. You can help stamp out the apathy and ignorance in our great country. Write or call your congressman (certainly cannot do as much harm as their other actions), send letters to the local newspaper, start a blog, tweet, post on facebook, anything to get this message to people.  Remember when riding in elevators you have a captive audience, make them aware of this problem. Volunteer to speak at local schools. Does your Alma Mater offer a course on differences of lightning and lightening? If they do not do so already consider offering a donation for them to do so.  

Something must be done to keep America number 1, If we are lagging behind in deaths by lightning, where else are we failing. 

Please do something, please.  Donations are being gratefully accepted by The Lightning Deficit Fund (a non-charitable organization).  Cash, credit card or checks accepted, please make check out to MorriCat LDF send to: The Lightning Deficit Fund, c/o MorriCat at 300 Rainbow Dr, Marble CO 81623. 

 Send lots of money as administrative cost are rather high, and it would be appropriate for some money to actually be used to promote our cause.

Thanking you in advance,

MorriCat

CEO

The Lightning Deficit Fund

GERMAN TECHNOLOGY

German technology

Sadly I am disillusioned, my expectations of the quality of German technology has been seriously damaged.   The clock in my 1983 Mercedes 380SL has stopped working. It gave no warning, it showed no intermittent signs, no losing or gaining time.  There were no clunks, clanks or groans, it just stopped working. Quit working suddenly and permanently.  Stopped, without even a sigh.  My expectation that this was a well built automobile, with high end components, has been shattered.  Now that the clock has failed, I do not know what to expect, will the cup-holder be next?

Driving without a clock is a great inconvenience.  I have now resorted to the use of an egg timer, however, every 5 minutes I must stop and turn it over.  Without the clock, I don't know when to eat, or when to sleep. Both activities of supreme importance. My greatest fear that I may miss a meal or may awaken and find out I was not really asleep. 

I have even been forced to stop and ask 'complete' strangers what the time is. This is difficult for me in Marble as it is so small that there are few (if any) strangers either 'complete' or 'incomplete'  It is not practical to ask people I know as many I owe money to and the others seem to think I want to borrow money. In fact  most run and hide, or worse, ask me to repay loans.

If you should see me stop, please don't run away, I do not want to borrow money.  I just need to know what time it is.

The local Mercedes dealer claims the car is out of warranty.  My  retort that it was only 31 years old fell on deaf ears. This treatment shall be remembered when I am in the market for a new automobile.

I have begun a campaign to try to have my clock repaired, replaced or at least have Mercedes improve the reliability and quality of their clocks in future automobiles.  Please add your voice to the thousands of others who are clamoring to have Mercedes improve their quality.

Thanking you in advance, for all your help.

MorriCat

Consumer advocate and activist