10-13-14
A Chicken in Every Pot
Is it time to worry?
Our town, once a quiet and peaceful village has been overrun by
herds of feral chickens. Not ordinary chickens these are genetically
modified with genes from asparagus and peppermint. I understand why
they tunneled out of their cages and are running wild. The were
being fed a diet of fried kale, and boiled okra seasoned with high
fructose corn syrup. Furthermore they were subjected to hours spent
in locked rooms watching Dancing with the Stars and editing political
advertisements. This treatment is so inhumane that many have begged to be water-boarded.
After escaping, many of these formerly placid and
timid birds, some now exceeding 60 pounds or more, have been
observed congregating in herds of 100 or more, marching through the
streets carrying signs encouraging the consumption of more beef. Size
is not the only result of these added genetic modifications, many of
these demon birds have developed an attitude and/or have personality
changes. Some have been observed to have been observed with feathers
dyed a bright red and are now professing to be Republicans. Others,
mostly the young toughs are wearing black headbands and Che Guevara
t-shirts, these usually congregate on poorly lit street corners or
dark alleyways, smoke unfiltered cigarettes and sip wine from brown
paper bags.
Both groups are terrifying, last week there were
several incidences of bears being terrorized by these bands of
marauding chickens. We are already suffering from this, as hundreds
of the bears have left, the garbage formerly being processed by the
bears is accumulating in our town. Sidewalks are becoming slippery
and unsanitary, only the unwise and naive now venture out after
dusk. Reports of domestic chickens being kidnapped and held for
ransom or forced into marriage, are becoming frequent.
On a brighter note, most mornings there has been an abundant harvest
of farm fresh extra large eggs. So many eggs have been harvested
that a new industry has been formed. The grandmothers of our
community have started a class to teach people how to suck eggs.
Students pay a minimal fee and can earn 2 credit hours.
Our situation is becoming intolerable. The President has authorized
air strikes, however, requests for troops on the ground have been
denied as being too dangerous. To date the air strikes have had
little success, the only result has been 3 domestic chickens killed
and one wounded canary.
We had feared that all was lost until Renard Volpone, of Volpone &
Son's LLC, responded to our ad on Craig's List. He quickly
organized convoys of trucks containing hundreds of barbecue grills,
several 55 gallon barrels of cooking oil, tons of french fries and
Coleslaw. To operate this equipment, other trucks filled with baby boomers from southern California, have
already begun to arrive.
So confident are we that the situation is in well in hand, that party
invitations have already been sent to residents of the neighboring
towns. It appears that we will have an early Thanksgiving. All
proceeds are to be distributed to local animal shelters.
Late development, RBCC Inc (Really Big Chemical Company Inc) has
obtained a restraining order, preventing Volpana & Sons from
continuing actions against these innocent and rapacious birds.
Furthermore, they have instigated a lawsuit against our town seeking
monetary damages for patent violations.
Woe is all, now I worry.
MorriCat
Your Intrepid war correspondent
