IN A PIGS EYE

GIGGLES THE PIG

CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF

FLINT MICHIGAN

"Bring pork back to politics"

MorriCat has completed extensive research on the qualifications of each of the three candidates for mayor of Flint Michigan and determined that Giggles the Pig, is the most qualified of the three declared candidates for mayor of Flint, Michigan this year. Unlike the other candidates, she has had no felony convictions and is not required to wear an ankle bracelet. MorriCat does not believe that the lack of felony convictions or the non-requirement to wear an ankle bracelets should be considered a determent. The allegations that she has engaged in pork barrel politics are completely unfounded. Her biggest drawback is her highly developed moral standard, and honesty, often considered a liability to a politician. Giggles is running as an independent on a platform of animal rights, and is currently ahead in the polls.

During the latest heated debate between the candidates, The other candidates threatened to barbecue Giggles, she shut them up with the ladylike response of:  'Oink, Oink' .

I know most of you will agree with me that the political environment in this country needs to be reformed, and we believe Giggles is the one who can do it.  Please, your support is needed, send money, or volunteer your time, come to Flint now, knock on doors, hand out pamphlets.  We need workers in all neighborhoods, Giggles the Pig is currently ahead in the polls, but we cannot become complacent, that can change as voters are fickle. We believe that what Flint needs is more pork, and Giggles can and will deliver.

MorriCat

Chairman, Animal Rights Party.

LIFE STYLE COUNSELOR

The Fast Track

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The following is an open letter to my favorite nephew, extolling excellent advice aimed at improving his chances of success in life. Many of you may criticize me for this blatant use of this forum to promote my commercial activities, however, consider, the quality of the advice portrayed, and consider you may know someone who can benefit from my advice and experience. You must not feel shy about referring them to me. I will be accepting a limited number of qualified new clients (or anyone willing to pay}.

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Dearest Nephew

I am concerned and saddened that you seem to be lacking direction in your life. Please, there are always challenges for young people. Life is not earned, but is a basic right, along with liberty and the right to play video games. You must learn  to set goals.

I know it is difficult to set goals, but  at least start, begin with an easy long term plan, such as setting your alarm clock, or choosing your dinner entree. If your expectations decrease your prospects for happiness increase.

As you should be aware I have recently became certified as a life style consultant (online degree from the School of the Americas) . There seems to be a great need for my services among young people today. Two of the greatest handicaps of teenage boys today are ignorance and stupidity. I have developed a cure for ignorance, albeit it is slow and painful. To date, stupidity has resisted all procedures which we have tried, among the most promising techniques, were removal of fingernails followed by soaking of the hand in an alcohol bath.

Eighteen hours of exposure to Barry Manilow tunes showed some promise, but an unwelcome side effect resulted from the International Court threatening us with prosecution for war crimes. Has forced us to cancel this promising  treatment.

If you will complete this brief survey I will be able to develop the ideal lifestyle plan for you.

1.  Do you know which wine to serve with potato chips? (do not skip this question it is worth 14  points).
2.  If you were offered the opportunity to visit Oklahoma would you go? Please write a 600 word  essay defending your          decision.
3.  Proceed to Oklahoma, do not pass go, if you land on Boardwalk pay double rent.
4.  By definition, cabbage is a color, is it more important than extra virgin olive oil?
5.  If you fall off the turnip truck will you be any smarter?
6.   Did you realize that by reading this question you have lost 16 points?

Please check all that apply.

     □ You answered all 10 questions correctly.
       □ I lost my pencil
       □ I plan to marry a cabbage.
       □ Eleven is the correct answer.
       □ If I promise to wear socks, do I get the job?
       □ Ingrown toenails are fun.
       □ Do you think the hamster is pregnant?
       □ A true conservative is against, not only same sex marriage, but same species marriage. 

If you have answered any of the preceding, correctly you are a complete idiot.
Any other score and you are an incomplete idiot.

Thank you for completing the survey, as this is a true scientific study, I shall now proceed to ignore you answers, as they were all incorrect anyway.

After consuming several bowls of strawberries and warm cream, and then rolling in a bed of fresh catnip, I was inspired to compose a plan tailored just for you.

Taking into consideration your short attention span and intense desire to avoid any meaningful work. I recommend a course of instruction at the East Reno Beauty Academy. After graduation, you will need to acquire a new wardrobe, recommendations include, white wellington boots, very tight white leather pants (worn low around the hips), no shirt, a short white leather vest (worn unbuttoned), you will need to shave you head and grow a shaggy mustache, wear an earring in your right ear lobe, either large gold hoop or silver cross inscribed with miniature skulls. A tattoo on your left bicep is necessary, I recommend, CAROL with the addition of a small rose centered on a scroll underneath.
Marketing  is essential, you must call yourself Alexander, no last name, no title, just Alexander (do not allow anyone to use a diminutive version). Your target market  consist of bored housewives who are over 40, and rich young women married to older men. Of course you need to advertise, remember just use the one name, Alexander, you can claim to be direct from Hollywood, Paris and Rome. It will be necessary to cultivate a French, German or Russian accent. Make sure you charge appropriately, (at least twice as much as next most expensive), an attitude of arrogance will b e helpful, remember you are the master you have the skills, the customer is never right. As you may not be able to make everyone look beautiful, it may be prudent to remover all mirrors from you shop.  Just one additional hint, some clients may admire your wardrobe and desire to examine your buttocks, when this happen you can expect your tips and other benefits  to increase significantly.

Scoff not, nor disregard these suggestions, apply yourself and you will have the opportunity to visit exotic places, drive expensive automobiles and own fine jewelry.

Remember, ignorance is treatable, and curable, stupidity is treatable also, but it is not curable.

MorriCat,
CEO,
MorriCat and Sons
Lifestyle Counselor Par Excellence

SAVE THE ICE

Household Hint  #1

For ease of removal of ice cubes from trays, coat trays with extra virgin olive oil before filling with water.

 

Watch for more useful household hints from Morri.

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY

THE BEAR HUNT

     Many of you have remarked on my absence from this venue of late. A plethora of comments abounded. Examples ranged from, "Our prayers have been answered.",  "The lobotomy must have worked.", "I think he's in Syria fighting for ISIS." , "Our children are safe", To the unkindest cut of all, "Morri who?"

     Regrettably I must inform you that for the past four months I have been recuperating from an unfortunate hunting mishap. Shortly after New Years I accepted an invitation to hunt bears. I reluctantly accepted as I had no licence, but after being assured that as a cat I did not need a license. Apparently only dogs and humans need to be licensed.

     Overbriming with confidence, perhaps too much, I equipped myself with only the bare necessities, 6 gun bearers, my chef and his 3 assistants, my personal assistant and my hair dresser. Of course we each had our own ATV, and since we only expected to be out a few days, we only took the smaller RV.

     Being only recently certified as qualified for the use of the 357 Magnum and AK47 by the Tulsa County Sheriff's Department, I could see no barrier to beginning the hunt. In retrospect I probably should have made a larger donation to the Sheriff's  Department. At the time I did not appreciate the possibility that a larger donation would, at least on paper, increase my qualifications in the use of firearms. As it was I thought the shiny badge and the certificate (suitable for framing), which authorized me to use force when appending felons or suspected traffic violators was a nice perk.

     Finally equipped with personal, training, a weeks supply of caviar, cream and catnip, I commenced the adventure. Not long into the trip we began to see signs of bears, like "Only you can prevent forest fires" and "Leave your picnic basket here". After ascending a low hill we were surprised by a large black, furry creature, which was either a bear or a large fat lady wearing a long fur coat. Recalling my training with the Sheriff's Department, I realized since it was large and black, I was not only authorized, but required to shoot.

     Quickly drawing my 357 Magnum I aimed and emptied the clip into the beast. You may have noticed that many people have difficulty distinguishing a 357 magnum from a Taser. I must confess that I was one of them.

     I am still not certain if the creature was a bear or a large fat lady in a fur coat, what did become apparent was that it became irate when tasered. Really irate! I have since reflected on the incident and concluded that I may have acted in haste.

     The nose transplant has been successful and I expect to be walking without crutches by next month.

     Several members of the law enforcement community have shared other anecdotes of Tasers being mistaken for a 357 Magnum, apparently it is more common than generally known.

MorriCat  qualified firearms instructor and Taser expert