EAR WAX

Contrary to popular opinion Cerumenitis is not a breakfast cereal.  Cerumenitis is an unusually serious ailment, highly contagious and is now reaching truly an epidemic,  also know as Stinky Ear, the thousands of unfortunate victims of this insidious and until now incurable malady,  have long been lacking a voice. As you may well expect stinky ear is not one of the more popular diseases, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease or chronic navel fungus. Be that as it may, Cerumenitis is spreading quickly, in some areas it has already reached epidemic magnitudes. highly contagious, it is commonly spread by ear to ear contact. As discussion of stinky ear is not a subject for polite conversation, it may be some time before you are aware that you are a victim. your best friend, your spouse or even people who don't like you will be hesitant to inform you that you have stinky ear. they may snicker or tend to avoid contact, preferring to send text messages or posting photos of your ears on facebook, but, outright saying your ears stink, no way! watch for symptoms, such as severe hangnail, frizzy nose hair, or unexplained chronic pregnancy. If you are subjected to persistent and excessive licking of you ears by strange dogs,  it is probable you have an incipient case of stinky ear.

You may well ask, "What if anything can alleviate this malady". In the past many people have resorted to a mixture of burnt chicken feathers, eye of newt and tongue of toad, (sometimes with a touch of garlic). Results were mostly disappointing and sometimes fatal. Driping hot wax from a plumbers candle has been quickly discredited as the volunteeres refused to continue the experiments, and the screams annoyed the neighbors.

Despair not, a glimmer of hope, nay not just a glimmer but a virtual flood of hope, Morricat Pharmaceutils has developed a cure.(not yet FDA apprioved). Waxxout, a lotion applied directly into the ear, has been demonstrated to effect relief in most cases.Waxxout is blend of various herbs and organic Pheeline-P (active ingrediant commonly used in acne medication).

People who are allergic to cats, have hangnails, are pregnant or have any hope of procreation should avoid the use of Waxxout. Side effects have included, massive growth of ear hair, and the tendency to become a hermit.

Waxxout is available for the low price of $,05 per ounce and can be purchased in economical 55 gallon durms.

MorriCat,
CEO
MorriCat & Sons Pharmaceutils

PARTY ANIMALS

THE ULTIMATE DINNER PARTY

     So you are planning another dinner party? Apparently your short-term memory is really bad.since you don't remember anything about he last one. fortunately you have made an excellent decision in retaining MorriCat & Sons as  your party consultants.

     Yes, your previous party was a catastrophe. Maybe not on a par with the maiden voyage of the Titanic.  To be honest it is not a good comparison, I believe that there were some survivors from the Titanic.

     Do not be concerned about not having a hostess. I realize that you don't have the money to post bail for your fiancee or your Mother. Anyway, your Mother showed a certain lack of sophistication when she greeted everyone by saying "Hi, my name is Bambi, are you wearing underwear?" an effective if unique icebreaker.  "Bingo" Jack's Unisex Escort Service is the answer. Their workers are reasonably priced (they work for tips, which they regretfully share with "Bingo"), diligent, intelligent, many with health certificates, and refined (compared to your fiancee and Mother. I don't think your guests will be disappointed. consider your fiancee's performance as a pole dancer was only mediocre, although the goat was a nice touch, I still think your Mother would have won the mud wrestling competition if that sumo  wrestler had not been using performance enhancing drugs).

     Next we look at the menu. Now that your sister has been served with a restraining order, requiring her to stay 50 feet from any area where food is prepared, you will need a new caterer. Just as well, the Director of the Center for Disease Control said he had never before seen an instance of food poisoning that was contagious. Our choice for catering is Elmer's House of China Take-A-Way Eatery. Elmer's service is fast, reasonably priced (half the cost of edible food) and he will give separate bills to each of your guests.  

     A cash bar is not optional, it is a necessity. If you keep making the minimum payments on the liquor bill from your last party it will be 27 years and 4 months before it is paid off. Remember, after the first half hour, put the good stuff away and bring out the rotgut, no one will notice the difference and the profit margin is significantly greater.

     As you have not cleaned your bathroom since the last party,we recommended attaching a padlock and out of order sign to your bathroom door.  I think your dog will be happier on your balcony, your bedroom was a mess last time.  Remember after the last party, the tenant in the downstairs apartment was puzzled by the yellow rain on his balcony. That potential embarrassing situation can be avoided by engaging Vinny's Potty Emporium  to supply two porta-potties tastefully decorated with yellow and black tape marked crime scene do not cross, for use by your guests. You don't have enough room in your apartment to place these two, potentially unsightly structures, and them being odor free is an unrealistic expectation. So I would recommend to place them in the hallway, one on each side of your entry door. For aesthetic purposes is may be advisable to place them across the hall on each side of your neighbors entry door. Vinny will deliver, setup and pick-up the porta-potties. He will also resolve any complaints or concerns concerning the placement and use. generally not needed as most condo Associations, management companies and health departments are slow to process complaints. If and overeager employee or one of your neighbors should persist with a complaint, Vinny will send one of his specially trained customer service representatives to quickly resolve and allay all concerns.  An added benefit of using Vinny's services rather than a legitimate vendor, is Vinny's practice of installing coin operated exit doors in addition to the coin operated toilet paper dispensers is a real revenue enhancer.  If by the unlikely and unfortunate event that one of you guest entered the unit and failed to have the exact change for the exit door, Vinny usually arranges for pick-up the next business day, at that time Vinny will usually release the guest for a small fee.

     Everyone should learn from their mistakes, by now you should be a genius by now or if not already, you will certainly be one after this party. We thank you for your business and know you will have successful party. Furthermore, here are some tips to make your party even more successful, as an ice breaker if the dinner conversation stalls, ask if anyone knows what the blue liquid in the porta-potties is called.  I know you have been at dinners and observed guest drinking from the finger bowls. To discourage this substitute turpentine and lemon juice for the water.

MorriCat & Sons
Certified Party Animals

"It is not too late to laugh"

HOUSEHOLD HINT #72 for the career bachelor

SOCK IT TO ME

Today is a special day. you got up early enough to eat breakfast. You believe, rightly so, that a celebration is necessary. Donuts and coffee on the veranda seems appropriate. .

You could just sit down with your coffee and donut, dip the donut in the coffee and enjoy. for a better experience, and avoidance of scalded fingers from the hot coffee, take off one of your socks, place the donut in the sock and dip the sock with the donut in the coffee. The sock can be even worn again after it dries.

You may be pleasantly surprised with the flavor of the coffee imparted by the sock. Not only have you avoided scalded fingers from the hot coffee but the donut is now soft enough to eat without breaking a tooth and you will not have to wash that sock.

A mostly unscientific survey of 100 men who tried this, found that 59 preferred the donut in a sock dipped in coffee, to an anchovy smoothie


MorriCat & Sons
Purveyors of  Gourmet Vittles

FISH STORY

SCIENTIFIC NAMES OF FISH

Members of Congress in an unprecedented show of bipartisanship and pork barrel politics, have introduced a bill, HR1984, that requires all members of the public to always refer to fish by their scientific names.  Additional provisions of the bill will require the revision of all books, movies and other media which contain references to fish. Although in some cases redacting of the reference may suffice.

As there are more than 20000 unique species of fish pisces, some of you may have difficulty remembering the names of each species (some of you have trouble remembering your children's names), cheer up, the provision in the original bill calling for a mandatory 3  year prison sentence, has been deleted. now only fines, based on market conditions or the estimated ability of the perpetrator to pay (whichever is greater) will be imposed. The authors of HR1984 had intended to exempt children under 8 from the penalties, but research determined that mobile apps, developed by video retailers and porn site operators will easily allow the debiting of  their parents' bank account to pay any fines. New provisions of HR1984 have now lowered the age of children subject to fines to 2 years 3 months.

An amendment now calls for the establishing of a federal agency to licence and collect fees from people who want to fish catch a piscis. Each licence is to be gender and species specific, this is in addition  to any state licencing requirements. Dogs will need a licence also, but per long standing custom cats will be exempt from all licencing requirements. To assist with revenue collections, the NSA is over seeing the installation of 24 hour video surveillance at all lake over 10 acres.

The penalty provisions of the law will commence immediately after approval of the senate and signing by the President. Provisions for the revision or redacting of the media, will be delayed until January, 2nd of 2018.

The Federal Fish Police is to be re-branded as The Ichthyology Patrol, and expanded by 200,000 additional officers (at least cover most of 132,000 lakes over 10 acres in the United States). These officers will be highly qualified alleged relatives, friends of your Congressman or descendants of their dogs.. The anticipated decrease in the welfare rolls will be a welcome result.  

Soon you can expect to see officers of The Ichthyology Patrol, in their stylish and neatly tailored silvery iridescent uniforms with the camouflage gray back (I must say that I find the hat with the large google eyes and fins is a little over the top). Look for them lurking near the seafood counters in supermarkets or under Lily Pads in farm ponds.

Passage is expected to be unanimous barring the possible opposition by the representative from Kansas who wants all references of 'scientific' in the bill to be deleted.  

Words of caution, a slip of the tongue may cost you money, officers of the Ichthyology Patrol are authorized an expected to levy and collect fines (or even nice shoes) on the spot.  You may want to enroll in Professor MorriCat's Online School of Fish Pisces, there you can expect to learn how to recognize the different species, their scientific name and the pronunciation. Our cadre of CPE' (Certified Pisces Eaters), are available to assist you 24/7. There you will learn, when dining, the difference between a Phoxinus Phoxinus and an Oncorhynchus Mykiss. or mistakenly ordering calceamentum de soleus instead of Solea soles, when dining in a fine restaurant this knowledge will be crucial.

We envision a growing need for people who can edit and revise media, or who have experience and ability to train waitstaff and supermarket clerks for the upcoming changes in the law.

MorriCat, CPE

Ichthyes International Oceanic Services

"Ignorance can be cured, stupidity is forever"

HOT DOGS

HOUSEHOLD HINT # 73

After a long hard day, it is understandable that your feet are killing you, they are sweaty, smelly and burning.

Doctor Morri has the answer.  You need to relax. I mean really relax. The following process has worked for thousand, it can work for you too.

I recommend finding a large comfortable overstuffed chair, a six pack of beer,and a family sized bag of potato chips.You will need to remove your shoes and socks, loosen your tie and undo your belt. It is best to have the bag of chips and at least two of the beers open.

You must strategically place the chair not as you may first think in front of the TV, but in front of the refrigerator. Open the refrigerator door, sit in the chair and place your feet in the crisper drawer, no need to move the lettuce or other salads.  Now sit back, close your eyes and enjoy the beer and chips. All the while your feet are sending waves of pleasure and coolness throughout your body. You may even  develop an appreciation for Zen or Feng Shui.

CAUTION: Some people have became so enamored of the results of this process, that they developed an irresistible urge to share this tip with their significant other or roommates. If you find yourself considering this idea, and a cold shower does not dissuade you. Pick your time carefully, dinnertime is not optimal, consider later, perhaps during an opportune romantic moment you can casually remark, “by the way I put my feet in the refrigerator today... it was cool”. I have reports from several people who shared this tip with their significant other, spouse or roommates, that they are now enjoying a solitary lifestyle.

Dr  MorriCat

Executive House Cat & Lifestyle Counselor

“Develop the inner you”

June 28th 2017

1008 USES FOR DUCT Tape #27

IN AN EXTREME EMERGENCY YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE DUCT TAPE FOR TOILET TISSUE. 

REAL MEN'S COOKBOOK #11

SALT OF THE EARTH

Many men are becoming more interested in a healthy lifestyle. Instead of red meat, eating a diet lower in calories a day fats,  with more fruits and vegetables and fish. I am fortunate that,  Anchovies, one of my favorite foods is high in Omega fats,  mercury and other essential vitamins and minerals.

I recommend an Anchovie smoothie for breakfast (possibly the most important meal of the day).  Quick and easily prepared, your first Anchovie smoothie will be unforgettable. I have been told that some people try to forget by sleeping through breakfast.

Ingredients are minimal, two tins of Anchovies either flat or rolled, one cup of salt (I prefer sea salt), 1/2 cup of lemon juice and three tablespoons of mold scrapped from the chunk of cheese found on the back of the second shelf of your refrigerator, mix on high speed in your blender for five minutes.  If your blender is unfunctional because you have been using it as a cement mixer you can try inserting a large spoon in your cordless drill. Garnish with a dash of whipped cream and a Marchino cherry.  Now you are ready to enjoy.

One last piece of advice. If no lemon juice is available, kerosene can be used.  You will not notice any decrease in taste, just refrain from smoking while consuming it.

MorriCat
Chef for the discerning man

PUBLIC RELATIONS PROBLEM

THE MOSTLY MISUNDERSTOOD TASMANIAN DEVIL

Most of us have formed our options of Tasmanian devils based on the Looney Tunes cartoon from the 1950's. We think of the Tasmanian devil as a fierce, seething, snarling, insatiable lunatic, a notoriously cantankerous disposition and the tendency to fly into a maniacal rage when threatened by a predator, fighting for a mate, or defending a meal. Early cartoonists dubbed it a "devil" after witnessing such displays, which include teeth-baring, lunging, and an array of spine-chilling guttural growls.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Recent research and extensive studies have found Tasmanian Devils to be docile, gentle, and fun loving. One can not go wrong by sharing one's home with one of these remarkable creatures. It is tragic that they were mislabeled 'Devil', as you can see from the pictures below, Angel would have been more appropriate. Close you eyes and imagine, sitting in your most comfortable chair, with one of these warm furry creatures nestled in you lap, emitting soothing cooing sounds. We have observed more aggressive behavior, when their food supply is threatened they may whine or even squeak.

Eloise

'Puggsie'

Sicentists at the University of Sydney have discovered that he milk of the Tasmanian Devil has the power to kill the drug resistant super bugs that are plaguing our hospitals. Apparently their milk produces a natural antibiotic As a result the Tasmanian Devil is becoming in greater demand in medical research and in the production of pharmaceuticals.

MorriCat Pharmaceuticals, in partnership with the NSA has developed a dairy farm in the town of Leggo, Mississippi. (Yalobusha county). Our heard consists of 12,000 lactating females, hat we milk every 4 hours. We pride ourselves in the humane treatment of our stock. There is no more than 4 to a cage and each is allotted 1 hour every week in natural light. There wa some controversial when the NSA suggested disposing of the excess cubs by burying them in the local landfill. This was soundly rejected in favor of our current program to sell them for $1.02 each (plus shipping and handling). Each cub is flash frozen and shrink wrapped, before being mailed o the customer. Upon arrival they can be defrosted in your microwave oven afterwards they usually recover with a little CPR (if not simply return for a full refund).

Just visualize, your home complete with this small lovable furry creature. Scurrying back and forth through your rooms. Nestled on you lap in front of the fire. They are easy to care for, only desiring a handful of nuts, berries and chocolate for substance a nod of approval and a few tummy rubs. We find at the dairy farm that by supplementing their diet with black-eyed peas and 'chittlins', they are more content.

For those who are concerned about the prevalence of the new Superbugs, I suggest ordering a breeding pair, you can then have a handy permanent supply of antibiotics.

MorriCat, CEO and Chief of Research and Development.

MorriCat and Sons Pharmaceuticals

JUST A MINUTE

                                  A STITCH IN TIME

Most of us are aware that daylight saving time is fast approaching. The end of Daylight Saving Time will require all law-a-biding peoples to reset their clocks back one hour at 2 AM on  November 6th, this year. Those being extremely law-a-biding or overly cautious, or on parole,  may even consider setting their clocks back 2 hours.

Much confusion abounds, concerning procedures to adjust our clocks.  Last year there were several  instances of people who could not stop resetting their clocks each time the 2 o'clock hour struck. Everett Lawson has been confined in the Chillicothe Institute for the Criminally Insane since last November. He keeps insisting it is 1 o'clock, and turning his watch back every time it reached 2 o'clock.  I think he may have been right .

There is some debate as to the purpose and usefulness of Daylight Saving Time. Originally, proposed as a method of saving and accumulating daylight during the long summer days to be distributed during the winter. Proud as Congress was at finally passing any legislation, it was soon apparent that there was little or no savings of daylight or if any was saved it had been snapped up by Wall Street speculators.

As a public service,  MorriCat and Sons being purely altruistic, are offering to call you at 2 AM to remind you to adjust the time on your clocks. The call is free, with just a $9.99 convince fee. As a public service we will call other people for you.  Examples could be telephone solicitors, political pollsters or perhaps your ex spouse. The convenience fee for this is $19.99.

Hurry, don't let Daylight  Saving Time creep up on you.  Call now while we still have calling slots available.  For an additional honorarium, we can have an IRS agent with a heavy foreign accent make the call.

Your humble servant.
MorriCat

P. S.  My oldest son just reminded me that we can remove you from our call list for fee.

103 USES FOR DUCT TAPE #57

Need to boil an egg? to prevent it from bursting, try wrapping it with duct tape. 

When practicable I prefer to use a decorative  duct tape. Hello Kitty brand duct tape is my personal choice.

SOLAR POWER

THE LIGHTS ARE OUT

Energy released from our sun is increasingly being captured by us using solar panels to provide energy to run our homes, cars, computers, lighting and heat. Allegations by respected scientists that solar farms are sucking up all the energy from the  Sun are unfounded. Rumors that the increased proliferation of these solar farms will drain all of the energy from the sun eventually causing it to die is a myth propagated by an unholy alliance between Haliburton executives and neo-liberals.

Even if true the demise of the Sun is not necessarily all bad, a side effect would be an inadvertent reversing of global  warming. Environmentalists are furious that decades of propagating the impending doom of global warming, melting icecaps, rising sea levels and hordes of locusts, have all been wasted. It is now demonstrated that by simply building a few solar farms, those catastrophes can be averted.

I have not often been accused of being a tree-hugging, yogurt eating, liberal, socialist  environmentalist, but if there is a dollar to be made from solar power, I can accept the reversing of global warming as an acceptable side effect.

If indeed the decline in the life of our sun would be hastened by increased usage of solar power, it concerns me little.. Estimates place the age of our sun at approximately 4 billion years. I ask you, how much longer can it last? Scientists seem clueless, some say another 4 billion years others claim only 300 to 400 years. Assuming solar power usage increases by 75% each year, best estimates are a 20% decrease in the life of the Sun. worse case, 240 years until the death of the Sun. I am still not concerned. Are you worried?

More immediate concerns are the limitations on solar power generation. Our investors have pointed out that solar power output at night decreases significantly, further concerns are cloud cover and smog. All things considered, solar generation would only be productive less than 50% of the time. Stopping the rotation of the earth and avoiding Los Angeles and china as location for solar farms would help.

A more practical solution has been proposed by Luddite Technologies LTD, a small manufacturing company located in Nottingham England  Founded in 1811 by Ned Ludd as a textile company, Luddite Technologies is now run by Ned Ludd IV a direct and hopefully the last descendant of Ned Ludd. They have developed a Portable Nuclear Fusion Generator (PNFG). Working on a similar concept as the Sun, It was noted that the fusing as few as 2 atoms of hydrogen atoms could produce a self sustaining reaction releasing an enormous amount of energy. When perfected the PNFG is expected to operate indefinitely on one pint of water.

The PNFG’s are not impacted by darkness, fog or air pollution. Our greatest challenges are portability and safety. Our current model, 3rd generation has been reduced to the size of  a 1978 Ford Pinto. Our engineers have assured us that the next generation will be reduced to the size of and early Apple computer, albeit at the sacrifice of safety features. Since our investors are mostly concerned with return on investment, in lieu of continued development of safety features our CEO has instructed us to place large nuclear warning symbols on all sides of the PNFG.

We pooh-pooh the suggestion that our neglect of safety features present a hazard. Statistics suggest that a chain reaction is no more likely than being mugged in Detroit on Saturday night, or being shot by the police in Chicago. In the unlikely event that there are one or more change reactions, it is believed that much some of the Earth will remain habitable.

Our conclusion is that Portable Nuclear Fusion generators are not only a viable alternative to solar energy, additional benefits of anticapted slowing in the trend of decreasing global warming.

MorriCat

Chief of Research, 
Luddite Technologies LTD
"Good 'nuff for grandpa"

,

NOT APPROVED BY FDA

*Advertisement*

LUDDITE TECHOLOGIES LTD

"good 'nuff for grandpa"

Since 1811

Proudly presenting our latest product

RADIOACTIVE SUPPOSITORIES

TRANSFORM MEN FROM WEAK, DISCOURAGED MEN INTO STRONG, HEROIC MALES
BUBBLING OVER WITH VITALITY

ALL ORGANIC INGREDIENTS
CONTAINS A MIXTURE OF SOLUBLE RADIUM AND COCA BUTTER  FORMED IN THE SHAPE OF A SUPPOSITORY
SIMPLY  FIT INTO THE RECTUM TO STIMULATE THE WEAKENED ORGAN WHICH IS IN NEED OF VITALIZING AID

PACKAGE OF 24 FOR ONLY $59.95
ORDER TODAY AND GET A FREE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO 

A STITCH IN TIME

THE CLOCK IS RUNNING

   It is generally believed that time was invented by ancient Romans to enhance their productivity and advance their invasion of the French Riviera. The first Romans, much like Polynesians and teenage boys today, were unaware of time, they were dependent upon their wives and mothers to tell them when it was time for eating, working or sleeping. Divorced and unmarried men were severely handicapped. There were several reported deaths caused by starvation as the men did not know when to eat or sleep.

 

  Productivity during this early period was at an all time low. The great Roman Emperor, Sidney Caesar and his consort Imogene Coco, commissioned the Chronos brothers, Houros, Yerius, Secondius and Murphy to develop a system to reference time so people would know when to eat, sleep and work, without depending on their wives. The original idea was to do away with wives all together, but this plan was quickly abandoned when it was pointed out that women were doing most of the work.

  The time system as originally developed, included a year of 10 months totaling 304 days. January and February were not part of the original calendar as the Chronos brothers usually spent the Winter in Egypt, so did not feel it was necessary to have those months in the Roman calendar. It was not until the time of Julius Caesar that anyone noticed that there were about 60 days from the end of one year and the start of the next, when no work was performed, and the calendar was corrected by the addition of 2 months and the beginning of the year was moved to January 1st. Today most of the industrial world (Kansas and the United States Postal Service are conspicuous exceptions, as they still use the 10 month 304 day year) has adopted the Roman calendar as modified for religious and political reasons.

  The shorter time periods such as the day, hour, minute and second were used by the working class and others who were not into long range planning

   At first the days were only 12 hours in duration as the clocks were all solar powered and did not work at night. People who worked 2nd and 3rd shifts or at night in the 7-11 stores would only be able to tell time if they held a candle above their sundial. It was not until the 7th century that the Swiss developed a mechanical clock powered by a tiny bird on a miniature bicycle which was allowed a break every hour, when it opens a door in the front of the clock, poke its head out and announces the hour by saying CooCoo. This simple development effectively doubled productivity.

  There is still much work to be done on the standardization of the calendar and of the hours. In most of the world there are separate time zones which manage to confuse people. Many of the more nefarious governments have instituted daylight savings time. This scheme is claimed to save an hour of daylight each day, I have yet to see any of this so called savings. what, I ask, has the government done with these extra hours of daylight? It is suspected that the extra hours are going to large political donors  and friends of elected officials.

  

   It is my considered opinion that the world would be well served to have consistent time, if it 10pm in London then it should be 10pm in Los Angeles. People should work, eat and sleep according to the clock, not according to the cycles of light and dark or the position of the Sun.  

   Those who are waiting for their wife to get dressed for a party may not agree, but there has been a universal adoption of the shorter time periods, such a seconds, minutes and hours. When your wife says, “Honey I’ll be down in 15 minutes”, and you wait so long you need to shave again, this is not a function of different lengths of time, but only confusion between hours and minutes.

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS

*Advertisement*

LUDDITE TECHOLOGIES LTD

"good 'nuff for grandpa"

Since 1811

NEW PRODUCTS

Elictric Guillotine

'' Don't lose your head"

Maternity Corsets 

''Don't show....don't tell"

WiFi ENABLED TAMPON

''For the throughly modern Millie"

CRITIC AT LARGE

   LATE NIGHT TV

Brazilian Butt Lift is a faux reality show shown several times each night. It is loosely based on the courtship rituals of young aborigines in San Paulo Brazil.

Now that another season of Dancing With the Stars is complete, many of you are at a loss to fill your spare time. I recommend watching Brazilian Butt Lift as an alternative to reruns of the Republican presidential debates and circus. Or advertisments for incontinence products.

Target audience for this program appears to be men in their mid 40’s who have the prurient mentality of a 16 year old. Surveys of young women concluded that it was either a very bad comedy or a strong.  Exit polls  of women who actually sat through a viewing of the program failed to confirm this as 60% are convinced it is a documentary about warthogs. Several young men observed that they had not previously considered castration as a viable or practical solution to improve their love life.

Desperate for money I agreed to  review the program. Even with my low expectations I was disappointed,  the plot was impossible to follow as it was nonexistent.  After viewing 17 episodes,  I was still unable to discern the protagonists if any. It is apparent that the  producers (skinflints that they are) cut costs by making all the episodes the same.

5 stars was the rating the producers expected and 5 stars was what I gladly gave. Please do not question my integrity, however, I did need to change the rating scale to 1 to 100, instead of 1 to 5.

There are more productive and satisfying activities than watching Brazilian Butt Lift. One that comes immediately to mind is; volunteering for the Colorado mountain lion artificial insemination program, or for the more adventurous, shaving an egg. There are many others but, too numerous  to list in this article.

Next week don’t miss our special double review, “My Hair is Falling Out” and “Twerking on the River”.

MorriCat,
Critic at large and arbitrator of good taste.

HOUSEHOLD HINT NUMBER 8

USE BATTERY ACID TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET BOWL JUST POUR 1 PINT OF BATTERY ACID INTO THE BOWL (NO NEED TO FLUSH FIRST), LET STAND WHILE YOU TAKE A BREAK, MAYBE EVEN SMOKE A CIGARETTE  YOU WILL BE PLEASANTLY  SURPRISED AT THE RESULTS.

*Advertisement*

LUDDITE TECHOLOGIES LTD
"Good 'nuff for grandpa"
Since 1811

Presenting

Electric Condoms

  Put zing into your love life

Learn why abstinence is the best policy

EMERGENCY GUEST SERVICES

LOOK WHO'S COMING TO DINNER

     MorriCat and Sons is rolling out their new emergency guest services.

     We provide speciality and last minute guests for dinner parties, weddings, bar mitzvah, graduations, conferences, substitutes for parents at little league games, funerals. Do you want a new or more impressive spouse for your class reunion? We offer a large selection of substitute spouses for a occasion. We can help with substitutes for disagreeable tasks, such as court dates, parent teacher meetings, prison sentences, or dental appointments.

     We can supply the perfect guest or assistant for you. We employ a variety of professional guests or surrogates, from the exceptionally mundane to the improbably interesting. Do you just need a warm body to make you party perfect? We have him or her. No need for your affair to be a disaster because of last minute cancelations. Call MorriCat, we will send one of our bonded contractors to save your function.

     If you just want to liven up the event we have specialist for all occasions. Meet some of our special guests.

     Major Snodgrass, he is, pompous, slightly balding, overweight (but not chubby), speaks with British accent. He will corner victims and incessantly speak about his adventures as big game hunter or soldier in India. Exceptionally boring,  Major Snodgrass will make all other males at you party appear extraordinarily witty and possibly intelligent.

     Myra Mockingbird, a twenty year old ditzy blonde, very voluptuous. A former hostess at Millie's House of Forbidden Delights, she is much smarter than she acts. She has a great memory for names and faces and photography is her hobby. She will undoubtedly know some of your more prosperous male guests and they may even be interested in some of her photos. You won't regret adding her to your guest list.

     Aunt Mary, you'll like her, she is everyone's favorite aunt, petite, very prim and proper, wears hearing aids and round wire rimmed glasses,  calls all younger people sonny or missy. She smiles at everything you say, but you will never see her teeth. She really doesn't need the hearing aids.

     Wilhelmina "Muffy" Flufhedd, highly sought as an audience member for game shows and TV reality programs. Very bubbly she can be excited by watching paint dry. Now 40 years old she still dresses and acts 18. A former cheerleader, she is perfect to take your  10 year old boy or girl to their soccer game. She even brings own supply of bubble gum. In an emergency can escort your dippy 18 year old son to the prom. A great addition to your dinner party. For and additional fee she will attend wearing her cheerleader uniform.

     Michaelangelo "Magic Mike" DeVore, suave and debonair, he is fluent in French and Italian, 15 years experience as assistant tennis pro (43 different country clubs). He has extensive knowledge of wine, sailing and polo, probably the only living person who knows all the rules of Cricket. He is popular with the more mature ladies and the younger wives of older men. Michaelangelo tends to avoid countries where dueling is legal.

     The Katzenjammer family, Ross, Molly and their three preteen kids. Perfect for invigorating your affair. Consider them for your wedding,  bar mitzvah,  funeral or court appearance. The three kids raise mischief to a whole new level, they can break anything. The parents are seem clueless and oblivious to everything the kids are doing. They will make an unforgettable experience for you and all your guests.

     Homeless Hank, one of several generic street people we employ. 'Homeless Hank' will add character to your affair and demonstrate your commitment to social justice. We have several employees on call as they are not overly reliable and tend to move around often. In most cases incontinence is not a problem, and the most of the odors can be allivated by air fresheners. Most are great connoisseurs of wine. As with all our employees, bonding is provided by Johnny's 24 Hour Bail Bonds.

     Bag Lady Annie, similar attributes as Homeless Hank. Additional she will bring a shopping cart with all her belongings to your party.

     Visit our Web page or stop by one of our convenient locations to see our entire selection of special guests. We know we have what you want and need. Our prices are competive, they may not be the lowest but remember you get what you pay for.


MorriCat and Sons
Party Animals for Rent

AN EXCEPTIONAL WEDDING

PLANS & IDEAS

     How are your wedding plans going? Don't despair, there are always some problems. Do you feel it is going to be less opulent than you hoped? Is it turning into a really big hassle?  Of the 480 invitations you sent 430 were RSVP with regrets, another 22 were returned by postofice marked refused 6 were attached to rocks and thrown through you window . The plan to fill up the guest list with homeless people seems eminently doable. Too bad your maid of honor backed out because she starts her new job at the Millie's House of Forbidden Delights that day. Now may be the time to reconsider some things. For example the cash bar may be a little too much for some of your guests. Is it too late to change the caterer?   Chipolotes may not be the most auspicious choice at this time. The choice of wedding gown and bridesmaid dressing from Fredericks of Hollywood is unconventional to say the least. I was not previously aware that Fredericks sold maternity clothing. My considered opinion and recommendation is that the bridesmaids should wear underwear during the wedding and at the reception. Will your father be released from prison in time to walk you down the aisle?

     Speaking with the groom, I am marginally encouraged,  although the best man is not expected to make bail before the wedding,  the groom expects his current outbreak of herpes will have abated before the wedding. It is our suggestion, considering the guest list, that the ushers be armed during the ceremony and the reception. They would not necessarily all need assault weapons, or even concealed carry permits. Of course with their backgrounds there may be challenges obtaining the permits anyway.  

     The minister's wife believes he will be relatively sober by the day of the wedding. His new ankle bracelet is not that noticeable. The bridesmaids should be safe as long as the minister's wife  is nearby with her shepherds crook. Our additional suggestion, is to keep all children at least 100 feet away. That should alleviate some concerns about possible parole violations.  Unfortunately they will not be attending the reception, as they expect to leave  immediately after the ceremony. She requested that, since the ushers will be armed, they assist in collecting the offering.

      All-in-all it seems that everything is falling into place. Some couples have real problems, but you appear to be off to a good start for a long and happy marriage. You mother will be proud, I know you hope she is released from the asylum soon, drug rehabilitation can be tough.

     Thank for giving us the privilege of evaluating your wedding plans.

MorriCat 

Social Engineer 

  

IN FOR A PENNY IN FOR A POUND

PUT DOWN THAT BURGER

Obesity has became a serious problem in the united States. With a population of over 320 million people with an average weight per person of 181 pounds, Americans are the world's third-heaviest people, exceeded only by the Pacific nations of Tonga and Micronesia. If we are very diligent we shall soon be number one.

Obesity has been recognized as a health problem for several years. There are serious concerns about Diabetics, Heart disease, Sagging breasts, and Ephelis. The economic impacts are grave, studies by reputable scientists and shoe repair persons suggest that fat people not only consume more food, but require more resources for shelter, clothing and health care. This drain on our limited resources has not gone unnoticed by our elected representatives. They have less and less money for more useful and profitable enterprises, such as their salaries.

It is becoming a more common belief that it is more beneficial to have an increase in really skinny people, and decrease the number of obese persons. Many of our political leaders and captains of industry are working hard to make that happen. Recently you may have noticed that the quality and nutritional value of your food has deteriorated. Several restaurant chains have even resorted to selling their clientele tainted food.

Not to discount the health, and economic impacts of obesity. The real and more immediate danger is environmental. Many  of the Pacific island nations have expressed fears that rising sea levels caused by global warming will destroy their lands. This is a myth propagated by environmental scientists, who have been duped by misguided liberal housewives into believing in global warming. These gullible savants refuse to consider the extensive research provided by major oil companies and other large industries. Which prove conclusively that contrary to sea levels rising, the islands are actually sinking. It is now a generally accepted theory that the added weight of people due to population and average weight increases have strained our Earth to the breaking point.

Some estimates place the average weight of an American at 241 pounds by the year 2030. If true this is a real catastrophe. Worse, the growth in expected population to approximately 600 million, due to immigration, revival of the rhythm method of birth control and the effects of the push-up bra on the male libido, will add an additional 36 billion  (that's a whole bunch) pounds of weight in the United States (conservative estimate). Considering the size of the United States, I do not expect it to sink into the oceans, at least not right away and then not even all of it. A more serious and likely scenario, is the additional weight putting such a strain on the Earth that gravity will be affected and imbalance of weight will slow the rotation of the Earth, slowing it and allowing the gravity of the Sun to pull the Earth into a closer orbit. This lower orbit will result in more sunlight reaching the Earth and indirectly contributing to global warming. While only a temporary condition, the Earth is not expected to completely recover, the most widely accepted belief is that the decaying orbit will accelerate spiraling the Earth into the Sun. Effectively extinguishing all life except for a few African cockroaches.

It saddened me that so many of you have expressed disbelief and even derision in regards to the facts I have so carefully made up. Obviously you have been prejudiced by jealous, misguided and ignorant lackeys of big business. Hopeless as it may seem, I shall continue my crusade in a perhaps futile attempt to save our Earth. At least until someone offers me enough money to revise my facts.

MorriCat
Fearless crusader of truth