SHOO FLY

IF THE SHOE FITS

    Although shoes have been around  a really long time. They have not always been accepted or extensively used, as late as the middle ages common people did not wear shoes, only the elite.  Anthropologists have found evidence of primitive shoes in ancient Egyptian tombs and in caves used by Neanderthals in France. There is some suspicion that shoes were introduced to humans by horses as the first shoes were little more than oval pieces of iron. In this case the Fashion police did not prevail, the majority of men objected to having chunks of iron nailed to their feet. A great setback in shoe development, shoes were regulated to just another passing fad, and bare feet remained the standard for several years.Even today it is illegal for women to wear shoes in parts of West Virginia and Kentucky.     

    As time went by there were many refinements in shoe design, iron was replaced by wood and plastic as the material  of choice, and leather straps supplanted nails as fasteners. A typical shoe consisted of a slab of wood or plastic attached to the foot by means of a leather strap. Other materials were tried, such as mud, grass, leaves and silk. Soon to come were great leaps in technological developments. Most notable was the use of different materials in the construction of the foot coverings. Leather being more flexible and easier to work with became favored over wood. Plastic quickly lost market share, as it hadn't been invented yet and was hence very difficult to obtain.  Leather  became the standard  for many years. Lately the bovine league has been able by an extensive public relations program to convince the public that plastic shoes are more fashionable, resulting in more contented and less nervous cows.

    

    Men's shoes have seen few changes over the years, originally the right and left shoes were identically shaped, with a R on the right shoe and a L on the left shoe to facilitate differentiation. A major design advance was adding a slight left hand curve to the left shoe and a slight right hand curve to the right shoe for easier differentiation. I am not convinced of the effectiveness of this advance as without the R &  written on the shoes, many men are confused. For further clarification, even with the R & L on the shoes most men are confused.

    On the other hand women's shoes, which appear to be designed and manufactured by a group of misogynistic fashion designers, have constantly changed. Many men have been driven into bankruptcy by wives frantically driven to keep up with the current shoe fashions. Much is unclear about the sizing of women's shoes. Most shoe sizes appear to be mislabeled, usually one to three sizes to large, women have been known to send hours trying to squeeze their delicate little foot into a size 3 shoe that is marked as a size 6. Women have been know to spend thousands of dollars and long hours in psychotherapy because they mistakenly believe they have big feet.

    Specialized shoes were soon developed. We have all heard  the expression, 'well heeled', usually referring to someone who is rich, this is derived from shoes with high heels that were produced for kings and queens, who apparently were descended from a race of very short people. Vertically disadvantaged and bad tempered, they were often known to remove the heads of some  of their taller subjects so as to level the playing field. Desperate advisors and sycophants were at last able to flatter them into wearing shoes with high heels. At first prone to topple over, they soon embraced the style as they now towered over their subjects.

   The golf shoe was developed around 850 AD. It is believed that, on a bitterly cold day in January of 848 AD, the avid golfer and renown idler,  Angus McDuffie  was playing in the final round of the Scottish Open. Down 4 strokes, frustrated and unable to concentrate on his game with the icicles growing larger and more numerous between his toes, Angus, in a flash of brilliance, took the head covers from his driver and 2 wood and pulled them over his feet. The welcome warmth from woolen club covers along with several nips of Irish  whiskey soon revived the dear lad. Much refreshed, Angus, not only made up the 4 strokes, but managed to finish 2 strokes ahead of the field. Alas victory was snatched away as the judges determined he was using unauthorized equipment. No, not as you may think, because of the makeshift shoes, but due to the use of the Irish whiskey, which was not at that time the national drink of Scotland.

    

    Disappointed with the decision of the judges, but, happy with the warm feet, and even happier after several additional nips of the Irish whiskey, Angus, troddled  home to his beloved spouse Agnes. The wee lass, naturally shocked and surprised to see him home while he was still sober and with money remaining in his pocket, inquiring as to his health, initial disappointment that he was not dying quickly gave way to feelings of avarice when he told her of his  two accidental discoveries, i.e. the benefits of foot coverings and economically priced Irish whiskey.

    Angus and Agnes quickly raised their standard of living from  abject despair and absolute destitution, to a level approaching poverty. The use of leather instead of wool in the construction of the shoes and the addition of metal spikes to improve the gripping power were major advances. Input from from purchaser's soon resulted in the re-positioning of the spikes, from pointing upward on the inside of the shoe, to the outside and pointing down. Other major improvements in the next 1100 years have only consisted of the addition of tassels.

    Recent developments in shoe technology include the shoe bomb, at first a spectacular failure, now being studied by the Department of Homeland Security. Another failed development was the Smart shoe, developed in the 1970’s, incorporated a telephone in a shoe. This eventually was abandoned as the developers were never able to solve the problem with the cord, and hence severely limited the distance one could walk..Today several cell phone manufacturers, along with Google, have resumed work on the Smart shoe. A new prototype is expected presently.

Who knows what the next advancement in shoe technology will be, Even now several entrepreneurs are working on features such as the electric shoe, recycled shoes, tight shoes, and most amazingly, a comfortable shoe. One can only await these developments with bated breath.

MorriCat

Fashion designer extraordinar 

12/27/2014