FUZZY NAVAL?

DO YOU HAVE BELLY BUTTON LINT?

     Are you embarrassed by the gargantuan collection of lint in your belly button? Do you hide in the closet to remove your shirt? Are you ashamed to be seen in bikini? Do you find yourself flipping through the infomercials on late night TV hoping to find a solution to the growing tangle of lint in your navel? Do not despair, what you have long considered an embarrassing problem may instead be your path to financial independence or at least solvency.

     Recent technological advances have given rise to a fantastic new industry. Scientists have developed a super fabric from belly button lint subjected to extreme pressure applied at temperatures approaching absolute zero. Having all the strength of tissue paper and able to accept the most subtle hues. Hues approaching absolute dullness. These characteristics of fragility, extreme dullness and outrageous expense make this fabric consequently eminently suited for high fashion. Although this writer would hesitate to attempt any usage of this super fabric other than possibly Homeland Security uniforms, several prominent fashion designers have embraced the use of this new super fabric in their most avant-garde and expensive creations. You are welcome to form your own opinion of this, but I suspect these cretins harbor a deeply held hatred of women, homeless men and puppies.

     Previously, it was believed that belly button lint was similar to clothes dryer lint. Recent research has debunked that theory, it has now been determined that collections of lint in belly buttons result from hairs on your belly rubbing against your clothing and pulling loose fibers into the belly button. People with extremely hairy bellies tend to collect more lint. Also more lint is collected from new and unwashed clothing.

     A cottage industry of independent contractors, are now able to collect lint while going about their day-to-day business, many even hold down other full time jobs. Once the lint is collected, it is sent to our factory, where it is sanitized, graded, sorted by color, placed in bales and woven into cloth. The best lint collectors tend to remain unwashed and buy, and wear the same shirt for weeks. we have found a fertile recruiting ground in the Chicago area, in particular among former and current Chicago Bears fans.

     At the Fuzzy Navel Club of Northern Indiana, the president for life, who has requested to remain anonymous, invited us to address the membership. We were surprised at the turnout, over 400 large, hairy, sweaty men all clamoring for beer. It was explained to us that the turnout was larger than usual as the members expected us to buy the beer. After surveying the audience, we determined it would be prudent to perhaps buy a few rounds. This turned out to be a good strategy as we were able to recruit several extremely effective collectors, many of whom had collections filling several rooms. One poor man had been reduced to sleeping on his patio as all of his rooms were stuffed with lint, admittedly an inconvenience, he was able to be listed in the Guinness Book of Records. Our arrival created a fortunate situation for both the club members and for us. They were happy to sell their lint collection and regain the use of their homes, and we obtained practically and unlimited supply of useful raw materials.

     I am proud to say that our industry has been greatly beneficial and most welcome in the state of North Dakota. It had been feared that the recent dramatic drop in oil price would render the oil industry in North Dakota unprofitable resulting in massive unemployment. While true our jobs are not as financial rewarding as those in the oil industry, we provide the opportunity for men (and some women) especially those with really hairy bellies, to hold their head high, knowing are providing a useful service and at the same time achieve the American dream.

     We need your help. As lucrative as this business has been, we expect that researchers will soon developed artificial belly button lint. Possibly of higher quality, and certainly less expensive, however, you should read the label carefully as it may contain harmful additives with devastating side effects. Even now there are rumors that several Chinese companies are aggressively pursuing reverse engineering and expect to soon have a competitive product on the market. Please do not be deceived their offering, as it is alleged to be of inferior quality and based on clothes dryer lint.

     If you are as patriotic as I hope you are, please lobby you congressman to pass laws establishing tariff or even authorize a navel blockade to protect the American belly button lint industry, and save American jobs.

MorriCat

Commander Fuzzy Naval Academy

12/20/14