SAVE OUR BEARS

DON’T CRIMINALIZE BEARS

Recent incidences of bears turning over dumpsters and breaking into peoples homes and urinating in public, have Aspen City Council Members panicking.  After a quickly called emergency council meeting, police were instructed to aggressively enforce the bear ordinances. Citations will be issued with hefty Aspen sized fines and when appropriate, jail time. In anticipation of the increased the Aspen police is being enhanced by the addition of 3 new patrol officers and 18 new meter maids. All police personnel, including the meter maids, janitors, and trustees are beings sent to the New York City Police Academy, for CPR refresher training, an intense course in community relations procedures, how to identify a real gun, advanced choke-hold techniques, the many uses of the Taser, using your Smith & Wesson 44 for crowd control, and deflecting accusations of police brutality.

Aspen jail spokesperson Bubba Johnson Jr, says. ''The jail's policy is to accept all inmates regardless of race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, or species.''  Problems may arise, because of expected retrofit needed to provide reasonable accommodations for the bears. Costs are expected to exceed $250,000,000 (cost overruns are expected).  Budget constraints will require that plans for the jail’s new swimming pool, sauna, steam-bath,  wet bar and the outdoor Olympic sized shuffleboard court, be put on hold.

Consensus among regular residents of the jail, were unanimous in opposition to sharing living quarters with bears, considering loss of their proposed amenities. The bee hives and nut and berry bushes do not generate as much resentment as the agreement to let the bears sleep for up to 3 months. Mumbling and grumbling about the probability of the anticipated snoring was intense the hardened felons who were attempting rehabilitation expressed concerns that their water coloring and knitting classes will be disrupted, jailers and even some of the masseurs are growing nervous. . Many of the more hardened felons, career criminals and frequent inmates expressed plans to take their business elsewhere, Vail and Steamboat Springs were two of the most popular considered alternatives, with East Ranielle, West Virginia a close third.

Several bears have expressed the intent to leave their ancestral home before the police return in late February. Neighboring municipalities are already gearing up for an influx of immigrants. So far there have been no overtures of welcome from any entity other than the Pitkin County dump, where several bears are currently employed as garbage sorting technicians..

Rumors of any change in Aspen generates controversy and opposition . Spontaneous demonstrations are even now being organized, both for and against the bears and their rights. Many Aspen residents and tourists are eager to participate in the demonstration, comments such as; this will be bigger than Ferguson, and who’s got the matches and let’s party,  abound. Several people have expressed the intentions to march in both demonstrations.

Street vendors hawking hoodies and sweatshirts with the acronym expressing the Save Our Bears motto have already begin to appear.  NFL scouts have been seen driving white SUV’s through the alleys at dusk, looking for possible recruits from the bear community. We have from a sometimes reliable source that the theory is ‘ a good solid felony conviction would be as good as a college degree for a linebacker’.  The practically unknown musician, ‘Bear Donkey’, who bills himself as the world’s worst rapper, will be performing a benefit concert for bear’s rights, titled ‘Let it all hang out’. Other celebrities and politicians  have yet to express any interest or disinterest in supporting the bears..  An apt description of the situation would be ‘an overwhelming wave of apathy’. There have been flocks of animal and civil rights activities over-running Aspen. Everyday you can see civil rights workers registering bears to vote. Hotels are full and waits in restaurants are approaching 3 hours. and It is expected that as the movement grows they will be an abundance of photo ops and more celebrities and politicians are expected to jump on the bandwagon.

In a town as affluent as Aspen it is shameful to see one of our most precious resources, the bear, treated so shabbily. I am adamantly in favor of obeying the law, but, sometimes the law can be unjust. I believe this is the case with the persecution of the bears, and plan to work diligently to have the law repealed.. In the coming weeks in Aspen you may well see bears, some dressed in Santa suits, standing on street corners, holding cans with placards reading ‘please help soon to be homeless’, support our bears, give to the SOB fund. Empathy is all well and good, but money is better. Give til it stops hurting!

MorriCat

Champion of social justice

12/7/2014