BARE FACTS

Grin and bear it

Bears are large furry creatures, with big teeth and sharp claws. They are often misunderstood, despite their size and fearsome appearance, they are placid and gentle creatures, preferring to spend their days in quiet activities such as fishing, knitting, literary clubs or discussing the merits of California wines. Their primary diet consists of nuts and berries although many have developed a taste for caviar. Not highly motivated beasts bears spend much of their time asleep, on occasion they will sleep continuously for several weeks.

Poverty has long been a problem for bears. Unemployment among bears in the United States has reached an all time high. Few if any bears have full time jobs, Smokey and Yogi Bear being notable exceptions. Others have found positions in show business, that is in circuses and zoos or as street performers dancing and playing the Hurdy-Gurdy for tips. Restricted to these low paying positions, remuneration usually consisting of only room and board. Working conditions are often abominable with, long hours, noise, no personal internet usage, smoke breaks or access to Starbucks. Some more entrepreneurial bears have even begun a garbage sorting and recycling business in mountain resorts at first fairly successful, complaints from extremely liberal residents has resulted in unduly restrictive regulations. As a result this work must often be performed clandestinely in many areas.

Bears are at a disadvantage in the job market, most are illiterate, few have drivers licenses or even state ID's. It is estimated that less than 10% have cell phones. Many employers are now running credit checks and requiring drug testing as conditions of employment. Bears naturally resent and resist these requirements. Employers are also leery of their sleep habits, fearing their attendance might be erratic.

If not home schooled, educational opportunities are severely limited. Consolidation has left many bear communities without access to local schools, a situation which  I expect to persist without access to more off-road school buses. Teachers are also wary of having bears in the classroom. It is a common belief that they are disruptive troublemakers. Bear children consequently spend much of the time they should be learning in detention halls, forced to listen to hours of Barry Manilow tunes? As a result, literacy rates among bears is lower than professional football players, and only slightly above reality show audiences

Bears are definitely treated as second class citizens, victims of rampant prejudice, being treated worse than used car salesmen, homeless people, undocumented immigrants, feral chickens and in some cases even republicans. Several states have passed laws allowing and even encouraging the killing of bears for a fee. There are few if any bear families that have not lost a loved one to these gallant sportsmen.

Housing conditions are deplorable. The majority of bears are forced to inhabit cold damp caves or hollow logs. Central heating, running water, indoor plumbing, and electric are all considered luxuries and are generally unavailable. Gregarious animals the entire family may share a single room, certainly an inducement for children to move out. Few of these bear families have access to the internet or cable TV.

Much as I deplore and sympathize with the plight of bears, I cannot recommend visits by social workers or environmental activists. Considering that bears are rather large animals with large teeth and sharp claws. I suspect they may be inclined to change their dietary habits if an opportunity arises.

MorriCat

Animal Rights Advocate

REFLECTIONS

YESTERDAY IS ALWAYS.

Forever memories, a long forgotten kiss, far away, now only a faint dream. It may not have been, but always I shall wish it had.

The breath of angels comes newly to my thoughts as sounds upon the wind. I remember you, remember now and forever.

Warmth of sun upon my brow brings only remembrance of your touch. A touch never to be forgotten.

Now I have peace, now I have love. in this the best of all possible worlds. if this be madness let it linger.

To be continued...

AN UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE

In need of relaxation, I thought to avail myself of one of the many ocean cruises offered this Fall. I called a local travel agency to inquire. It was difficult to choose from the many options. Finally I picked an intriguing little trip through the Caribbean for seven days in December. A penthouse suite was available for what I felt was a fair price of only $12000, plus $3900 for the single supplement.

Imagine my surprise when the agent offered me a discount! That’s right, a discount! For several moments I was speechless, I had to ask him to repeat his statement. Surely I had misheard, but no, it was true he had offered a 30% discount. In order to regain my composure I settled lower into my chair stared at the light fixture and pondered the fate of the many flies which had became trapped in the globe. If I have ever been more insulted, l have long forgotten. It is regrettable that dueling is no longer fashionable. In another time I would have demanded satisfaction, certainly arranging a dawn encounter with pistols.

Finally I was able to rise from the chair, I mumbled incoherently that I must take the cat to the Vet and stumbled from the office. The journey home was nerve racking. Fearing that old ladies might offer me their seat if I were to ride the bus, I slunked to my house, staying as much as possible in shadows trying to avoid homeless people who would certainly offer me money. Sweat was rolling from my brow and all my limbs were shaking. Never was I more embarrassed.

What was happening to me? Had I became old? Were my clothes no longer fashionable? Did I appear to be a pauper? Would I be expelled from my clubs? How was this to affect my social status? How will this affect my golf game? I have always proudly paid full price (or more) for everything! Under no circumstance will I allow myself to be classed with the common bourgeoisie, peasants or proletariat. No, I cannot countenance the giving or acceptance of discounts to one of my class. Just thinking of the experience causes me to swoon and my pulse to race and I must take rest.

After a long nap and a bowl of warm cream my normal calmness returned. I concluded that the entire unpleasant experience could only be attributed to the ignorance and incredible rudeness of the clerk.

Vowing not to have my spirits crushed, I called another travel agency and was able to arrange a cruise at twice the regular price. All is well in my world.

MorriCat, Paragon of sophistication

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CHICKEN SOUP

 10-13-14

A Chicken in Every Pot

Is it time to worry?

Our town, once a quiet and peaceful village has been overrun by herds of feral chickens. Not ordinary chickens these are genetically modified with genes from asparagus and peppermint. I understand why they tunneled out of their cages and are running wild. The were being fed a diet of fried kale, and boiled okra seasoned with high fructose corn syrup. Furthermore they were subjected to hours spent in locked rooms watching Dancing with the Stars and editing political advertisements. This treatment is so inhumane that many have begged to be water-boarded.

 After escaping, many of these formerly placid and timid birds, some now exceeding 60 pounds or more, have been observed congregating in herds of 100 or more, marching through the streets carrying signs encouraging the consumption of more beef. Size is not the only result of these added genetic modifications, many of these demon birds have developed an attitude and/or have personality changes. Some have been observed to have been observed with feathers dyed a bright red and are now professing to be Republicans. Others, mostly the young toughs are wearing black headbands and Che Guevara t-shirts, these usually congregate on poorly lit street corners or dark alleyways, smoke unfiltered cigarettes and sip wine from brown paper bags. 

 Both groups are terrifying, last week there were several incidences of bears being terrorized by these bands of marauding chickens. We are already suffering from this, as hundreds of the bears have left, the garbage formerly being processed by the bears is accumulating in our town. Sidewalks are becoming slippery and unsanitary, only the unwise and naive now venture out after dusk. Reports of domestic chickens being kidnapped and held for ransom or forced into marriage, are becoming frequent.

On a brighter note, most mornings there has been an abundant harvest of farm fresh extra large eggs. So many eggs have been harvested that a new industry has been formed. The grandmothers of our community have started a class to teach people how to suck eggs. Students pay a minimal fee and can earn 2 credit hours.

Our situation is becoming intolerable. The President has authorized air strikes, however, requests for troops on the ground have been denied as being too dangerous. To date the air strikes have had little success, the only result has been 3 domestic chickens killed and one wounded canary.

We had feared that all was lost until Renard Volpone, of Volpone & Son's LLC, responded to our ad on Craig's List. He quickly organized convoys of trucks containing hundreds of barbecue grills, several 55 gallon barrels of cooking oil, tons of french fries and Coleslaw. To operate this equipment, other trucks filled with baby boomers from southern California, have already begun to arrive.

So confident are we that the situation is in well in hand, that party invitations have already been sent to residents of the neighboring towns. It appears that we will have an early Thanksgiving. All proceeds are to be distributed to local animal shelters.

Late development, RBCC Inc (Really Big Chemical Company Inc) has obtained a restraining order, preventing Volpana & Sons from continuing actions against these innocent and rapacious birds. Furthermore, they have instigated a lawsuit against our town seeking monetary damages for patent violations.

Woe is all, now I worry.

MorriCat

Your Intrepid war correspondent

TOAD STORY

TOAD STORY

Rising crime rates has caused some businesses in Marble to take precautions that were not previously necessary. In order to stop theft and destruction of property during non-business hours. Many businesses have resorted to hiring armed guards, or expensive trained attack dogs. Others have tried using poisonous snakes or spiders, believing that to be more cost effective.

There are drawbacks to all of the above methods. Armed guards can be unreliable, sometimes having difficulty staying awake or even waking up to come to work. Attack dogs are more alert as they wake up quicker, however, they occasionally have trouble telling friend from foe, resulting in a high turnover in hired help. Attack dogs have also been known to leave the premises in an unsanitary condition. Poisonous snakes and spiders being rather quiet, are not as effective as a deterrent, they are more of a final solution. You would also be advised to have a strict inventory control in order to avoid potential embarrassing and expensive incidences with the hired help or customers.

As an alternative to these, costly, unreliable and sometime dangerous solutions, MorriCat and Sons Enterprises inc., partnered with the American Toad Society has developed trained Watch Toads. Businessmen can now sleep worry free at night, knowing these reliable, inexpensive and loyal toads will protect your property, at a fraction of the cost of other methods.

Effective? Yes, the mere sight of the vicious, wart covered, molted green and brown toad, has been known to send many of the more timid thieves or vandals running and screaming from the premises. If any miscreant should be so incautious as to proceed, the toads have been trained to bear their fangs, give a terrifying roar and pounce on the felon, holding and ravaging him until the police arrive (in Marble this may be as long as a week).

Consider Watch Toads as an inexpensive, reliable and safe method to secure your place of business. Remember toads eat flies too.

MorriCat

CEO

MorriCat and Sons Enterprises Inc.

AVIDITY

AVIDITY FOR THE COMMON MAN

Have you ever felt an overwhelming desire to use the word "Avidity " in a sentence,  but refrained because you were unsure of its meaning?

For many years I was under the impression that "Avidity" described the process of a blind man shaving a goat.  Fortunately I was recently advised of my error.  You can imagine my surprise and  Disappointment.  Vowing not to be discouraged,  I consoled myself with several bowls of cream,  catnip stuffed cat toys and the satisfaction and relief that I had avoided embarrassment and ridcule.

Despite the groundswell of apathy concerning “Avidity”,  I have been able to obtain a grant from the National Science Foundation, creating the American Avidity Association, to study and develop Avidity.  You may already have been contacted by one of our pollsters.  Early results found that 81% of teenage girls believe that “avidity” means “whatever”.  Teenage boys were more divided, 14% believe that “avidity” is the requirement to wear plaid on Tuesdays.  Another 32% are of the opinion that “avidity” describes the migration of a type of flounder from the waters of New Zealand to Fiji.  45% were unable to read the question (some are still trying).  The remaining 9% thought it was a new video game and gave our pollsters $149.00 each.  In hindsight, was probably not necessary or cost effective to use water-boarding to elicit answers (in the future our pollsters will be aware that our grant is from the NSF, not the NSA).  Although many of the persons polled have since recovered a degree of normalcy and function quite well unless exposed to sudden noise or bright light.  

After diligent analysis of the polling results and my catnip dreams, I have determined that “avidity” is an archaic word, no longer in common usage. I am unable to conceive of anyone using it, Therefore, I have cut from my dictionary, I have also cut out “avail” which was on the back of the page. Neither word shall again pass my lips.

MorriCat

Executive director

American Avidity Association

9/23/2014

LIGHTNING OR LIGHTENING

KEEP US #1

I have recently been appraised of a disturbing statistic.

Apparently, on average 51 people are killed by lightning each year in the United States.

This year is almost 3/4th over and there have been only 20 deaths year to date.

This leaves a deficit of 31 deaths to be filled in the next 97 days.

The apathy of the population of the United States is appalling. I feel compelled to raise a call for action. Get off that couch or out of that comfortable chair work off some of that flab you have been accumulating over these last years. Climb  a mountain, play more golf swim during thunderstorms (you are wet anyway) or at least stand under the tallest tree you can find (trees are you friends).

Many people confuse lightning (an electrostatic discharge) with lightening (decent of the uterus in the pelvic cavity). Something must be done about this prevalence of wide spread ignorance. You can help stamp out the apathy and ignorance in our great country. Write or call your congressman (certainly cannot do as much harm as their other actions), send letters to the local newspaper, start a blog, tweet, post on facebook, anything to get this message to people.  Remember when riding in elevators you have a captive audience, make them aware of this problem. Volunteer to speak at local schools. Does your Alma Mater offer a course on differences of lightning and lightening? If they do not do so already consider offering a donation for them to do so.  

Something must be done to keep America number 1, If we are lagging behind in deaths by lightning, where else are we failing. 

Please do something, please.  Donations are being gratefully accepted by The Lightning Deficit Fund (a non-charitable organization).  Cash, credit card or checks accepted, please make check out to MorriCat LDF send to: The Lightning Deficit Fund, c/o MorriCat at 300 Rainbow Dr, Marble CO 81623. 

 Send lots of money as administrative cost are rather high, and it would be appropriate for some money to actually be used to promote our cause.

Thanking you in advance,

MorriCat

CEO

The Lightning Deficit Fund