BARE FACTS

Grin and bear it

Bears are large furry creatures, with big teeth and sharp claws. They are often misunderstood, despite their size and fearsome appearance, they are placid and gentle creatures, preferring to spend their days in quiet activities such as fishing, knitting, literary clubs or discussing the merits of California wines. Their primary diet consists of nuts and berries although many have developed a taste for caviar. Not highly motivated beasts bears spend much of their time asleep, on occasion they will sleep continuously for several weeks.

Poverty has long been a problem for bears. Unemployment among bears in the United States has reached an all time high. Few if any bears have full time jobs, Smokey and Yogi Bear being notable exceptions. Others have found positions in show business, that is in circuses and zoos or as street performers dancing and playing the Hurdy-Gurdy for tips. Restricted to these low paying positions, remuneration usually consisting of only room and board. Working conditions are often abominable with, long hours, noise, no personal internet usage, smoke breaks or access to Starbucks. Some more entrepreneurial bears have even begun a garbage sorting and recycling business in mountain resorts at first fairly successful, complaints from extremely liberal residents has resulted in unduly restrictive regulations. As a result this work must often be performed clandestinely in many areas.

Bears are at a disadvantage in the job market, most are illiterate, few have drivers licenses or even state ID's. It is estimated that less than 10% have cell phones. Many employers are now running credit checks and requiring drug testing as conditions of employment. Bears naturally resent and resist these requirements. Employers are also leery of their sleep habits, fearing their attendance might be erratic.

If not home schooled, educational opportunities are severely limited. Consolidation has left many bear communities without access to local schools, a situation which  I expect to persist without access to more off-road school buses. Teachers are also wary of having bears in the classroom. It is a common belief that they are disruptive troublemakers. Bear children consequently spend much of the time they should be learning in detention halls, forced to listen to hours of Barry Manilow tunes? As a result, literacy rates among bears is lower than professional football players, and only slightly above reality show audiences

Bears are definitely treated as second class citizens, victims of rampant prejudice, being treated worse than used car salesmen, homeless people, undocumented immigrants, feral chickens and in some cases even republicans. Several states have passed laws allowing and even encouraging the killing of bears for a fee. There are few if any bear families that have not lost a loved one to these gallant sportsmen.

Housing conditions are deplorable. The majority of bears are forced to inhabit cold damp caves or hollow logs. Central heating, running water, indoor plumbing, and electric are all considered luxuries and are generally unavailable. Gregarious animals the entire family may share a single room, certainly an inducement for children to move out. Few of these bear families have access to the internet or cable TV.

Much as I deplore and sympathize with the plight of bears, I cannot recommend visits by social workers or environmental activists. Considering that bears are rather large animals with large teeth and sharp claws. I suspect they may be inclined to change their dietary habits if an opportunity arises.

MorriCat

Animal Rights Advocate