CHICKEN SOUP

 10-13-14

A Chicken in Every Pot

Is it time to worry?

Our town, once a quiet and peaceful village has been overrun by herds of feral chickens. Not ordinary chickens these are genetically modified with genes from asparagus and peppermint. I understand why they tunneled out of their cages and are running wild. The were being fed a diet of fried kale, and boiled okra seasoned with high fructose corn syrup. Furthermore they were subjected to hours spent in locked rooms watching Dancing with the Stars and editing political advertisements. This treatment is so inhumane that many have begged to be water-boarded.

 After escaping, many of these formerly placid and timid birds, some now exceeding 60 pounds or more, have been observed congregating in herds of 100 or more, marching through the streets carrying signs encouraging the consumption of more beef. Size is not the only result of these added genetic modifications, many of these demon birds have developed an attitude and/or have personality changes. Some have been observed to have been observed with feathers dyed a bright red and are now professing to be Republicans. Others, mostly the young toughs are wearing black headbands and Che Guevara t-shirts, these usually congregate on poorly lit street corners or dark alleyways, smoke unfiltered cigarettes and sip wine from brown paper bags. 

 Both groups are terrifying, last week there were several incidences of bears being terrorized by these bands of marauding chickens. We are already suffering from this, as hundreds of the bears have left, the garbage formerly being processed by the bears is accumulating in our town. Sidewalks are becoming slippery and unsanitary, only the unwise and naive now venture out after dusk. Reports of domestic chickens being kidnapped and held for ransom or forced into marriage, are becoming frequent.

On a brighter note, most mornings there has been an abundant harvest of farm fresh extra large eggs. So many eggs have been harvested that a new industry has been formed. The grandmothers of our community have started a class to teach people how to suck eggs. Students pay a minimal fee and can earn 2 credit hours.

Our situation is becoming intolerable. The President has authorized air strikes, however, requests for troops on the ground have been denied as being too dangerous. To date the air strikes have had little success, the only result has been 3 domestic chickens killed and one wounded canary.

We had feared that all was lost until Renard Volpone, of Volpone & Son's LLC, responded to our ad on Craig's List. He quickly organized convoys of trucks containing hundreds of barbecue grills, several 55 gallon barrels of cooking oil, tons of french fries and Coleslaw. To operate this equipment, other trucks filled with baby boomers from southern California, have already begun to arrive.

So confident are we that the situation is in well in hand, that party invitations have already been sent to residents of the neighboring towns. It appears that we will have an early Thanksgiving. All proceeds are to be distributed to local animal shelters.

Late development, RBCC Inc (Really Big Chemical Company Inc) has obtained a restraining order, preventing Volpana & Sons from continuing actions against these innocent and rapacious birds. Furthermore, they have instigated a lawsuit against our town seeking monetary damages for patent violations.

Woe is all, now I worry.

MorriCat

Your Intrepid war correspondent