IN A PIGS EYE

GIGGLES THE PIG

CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF

FLINT MICHIGAN

"Bring pork back to politics"

MorriCat has completed extensive research on the qualifications of each of the three candidates for mayor of Flint Michigan and determined that Giggles the Pig, is the most qualified of the three declared candidates for mayor of Flint, Michigan this year. Unlike the other candidates, she has had no felony convictions and is not required to wear an ankle bracelet. MorriCat does not believe that the lack of felony convictions or the non-requirement to wear an ankle bracelets should be considered a determent. The allegations that she has engaged in pork barrel politics are completely unfounded. Her biggest drawback is her highly developed moral standard, and honesty, often considered a liability to a politician. Giggles is running as an independent on a platform of animal rights, and is currently ahead in the polls.

During the latest heated debate between the candidates, The other candidates threatened to barbecue Giggles, she shut them up with the ladylike response of:  'Oink, Oink' .

I know most of you will agree with me that the political environment in this country needs to be reformed, and we believe Giggles is the one who can do it.  Please, your support is needed, send money, or volunteer your time, come to Flint now, knock on doors, hand out pamphlets.  We need workers in all neighborhoods, Giggles the Pig is currently ahead in the polls, but we cannot become complacent, that can change as voters are fickle. We believe that what Flint needs is more pork, and Giggles can and will deliver.

MorriCat

Chairman, Animal Rights Party.

LIFE STYLE COUNSELOR

The Fast Track

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The following is an open letter to my favorite nephew, extolling excellent advice aimed at improving his chances of success in life. Many of you may criticize me for this blatant use of this forum to promote my commercial activities, however, consider, the quality of the advice portrayed, and consider you may know someone who can benefit from my advice and experience. You must not feel shy about referring them to me. I will be accepting a limited number of qualified new clients (or anyone willing to pay}.

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Dearest Nephew

I am concerned and saddened that you seem to be lacking direction in your life. Please, there are always challenges for young people. Life is not earned, but is a basic right, along with liberty and the right to play video games. You must learn  to set goals.

I know it is difficult to set goals, but  at least start, begin with an easy long term plan, such as setting your alarm clock, or choosing your dinner entree. If your expectations decrease your prospects for happiness increase.

As you should be aware I have recently became certified as a life style consultant (online degree from the School of the Americas) . There seems to be a great need for my services among young people today. Two of the greatest handicaps of teenage boys today are ignorance and stupidity. I have developed a cure for ignorance, albeit it is slow and painful. To date, stupidity has resisted all procedures which we have tried, among the most promising techniques, were removal of fingernails followed by soaking of the hand in an alcohol bath.

Eighteen hours of exposure to Barry Manilow tunes showed some promise, but an unwelcome side effect resulted from the International Court threatening us with prosecution for war crimes. Has forced us to cancel this promising  treatment.

If you will complete this brief survey I will be able to develop the ideal lifestyle plan for you.

1.  Do you know which wine to serve with potato chips? (do not skip this question it is worth 14  points).
2.  If you were offered the opportunity to visit Oklahoma would you go? Please write a 600 word  essay defending your          decision.
3.  Proceed to Oklahoma, do not pass go, if you land on Boardwalk pay double rent.
4.  By definition, cabbage is a color, is it more important than extra virgin olive oil?
5.  If you fall off the turnip truck will you be any smarter?
6.   Did you realize that by reading this question you have lost 16 points?

Please check all that apply.

     □ You answered all 10 questions correctly.
       □ I lost my pencil
       □ I plan to marry a cabbage.
       □ Eleven is the correct answer.
       □ If I promise to wear socks, do I get the job?
       □ Ingrown toenails are fun.
       □ Do you think the hamster is pregnant?
       □ A true conservative is against, not only same sex marriage, but same species marriage. 

If you have answered any of the preceding, correctly you are a complete idiot.
Any other score and you are an incomplete idiot.

Thank you for completing the survey, as this is a true scientific study, I shall now proceed to ignore you answers, as they were all incorrect anyway.

After consuming several bowls of strawberries and warm cream, and then rolling in a bed of fresh catnip, I was inspired to compose a plan tailored just for you.

Taking into consideration your short attention span and intense desire to avoid any meaningful work. I recommend a course of instruction at the East Reno Beauty Academy. After graduation, you will need to acquire a new wardrobe, recommendations include, white wellington boots, very tight white leather pants (worn low around the hips), no shirt, a short white leather vest (worn unbuttoned), you will need to shave you head and grow a shaggy mustache, wear an earring in your right ear lobe, either large gold hoop or silver cross inscribed with miniature skulls. A tattoo on your left bicep is necessary, I recommend, CAROL with the addition of a small rose centered on a scroll underneath.
Marketing  is essential, you must call yourself Alexander, no last name, no title, just Alexander (do not allow anyone to use a diminutive version). Your target market  consist of bored housewives who are over 40, and rich young women married to older men. Of course you need to advertise, remember just use the one name, Alexander, you can claim to be direct from Hollywood, Paris and Rome. It will be necessary to cultivate a French, German or Russian accent. Make sure you charge appropriately, (at least twice as much as next most expensive), an attitude of arrogance will b e helpful, remember you are the master you have the skills, the customer is never right. As you may not be able to make everyone look beautiful, it may be prudent to remover all mirrors from you shop.  Just one additional hint, some clients may admire your wardrobe and desire to examine your buttocks, when this happen you can expect your tips and other benefits  to increase significantly.

Scoff not, nor disregard these suggestions, apply yourself and you will have the opportunity to visit exotic places, drive expensive automobiles and own fine jewelry.

Remember, ignorance is treatable, and curable, stupidity is treatable also, but it is not curable.

MorriCat,
CEO,
MorriCat and Sons
Lifestyle Counselor Par Excellence

SAVE THE ICE

Household Hint  #1

For ease of removal of ice cubes from trays, coat trays with extra virgin olive oil before filling with water.

 

Watch for more useful household hints from Morri.

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY

THE BEAR HUNT

     Many of you have remarked on my absence from this venue of late. A plethora of comments abounded. Examples ranged from, "Our prayers have been answered.",  "The lobotomy must have worked.", "I think he's in Syria fighting for ISIS." , "Our children are safe", To the unkindest cut of all, "Morri who?"

     Regrettably I must inform you that for the past four months I have been recuperating from an unfortunate hunting mishap. Shortly after New Years I accepted an invitation to hunt bears. I reluctantly accepted as I had no licence, but after being assured that as a cat I did not need a license. Apparently only dogs and humans need to be licensed.

     Overbriming with confidence, perhaps too much, I equipped myself with only the bare necessities, 6 gun bearers, my chef and his 3 assistants, my personal assistant and my hair dresser. Of course we each had our own ATV, and since we only expected to be out a few days, we only took the smaller RV.

     Being only recently certified as qualified for the use of the 357 Magnum and AK47 by the Tulsa County Sheriff's Department, I could see no barrier to beginning the hunt. In retrospect I probably should have made a larger donation to the Sheriff's  Department. At the time I did not appreciate the possibility that a larger donation would, at least on paper, increase my qualifications in the use of firearms. As it was I thought the shiny badge and the certificate (suitable for framing), which authorized me to use force when appending felons or suspected traffic violators was a nice perk.

     Finally equipped with personal, training, a weeks supply of caviar, cream and catnip, I commenced the adventure. Not long into the trip we began to see signs of bears, like "Only you can prevent forest fires" and "Leave your picnic basket here". After ascending a low hill we were surprised by a large black, furry creature, which was either a bear or a large fat lady wearing a long fur coat. Recalling my training with the Sheriff's Department, I realized since it was large and black, I was not only authorized, but required to shoot.

     Quickly drawing my 357 Magnum I aimed and emptied the clip into the beast. You may have noticed that many people have difficulty distinguishing a 357 magnum from a Taser. I must confess that I was one of them.

     I am still not certain if the creature was a bear or a large fat lady in a fur coat, what did become apparent was that it became irate when tasered. Really irate! I have since reflected on the incident and concluded that I may have acted in haste.

     The nose transplant has been successful and I expect to be walking without crutches by next month.

     Several members of the law enforcement community have shared other anecdotes of Tasers being mistaken for a 357 Magnum, apparently it is more common than generally known.

MorriCat  qualified firearms instructor and Taser expert

 

STRAWBERRY JAM

THERE'S AN APP FOR IT

PERSONAL GYPSY

     This is your very own fortune telling app. Just enter your name, date of birth, sex, and credit card number. Easy to use just open the app and hold palm of your hand against screen then think of a question. Your question will be answered with a completely random answer.

     This may not the most worthless app I have ever tested, but it's definitely in the top ten. I tried the app while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and now have strawberry jam all over my phone. I expected the answers to be completely random, but I thought they would at least be somewhat appropriate. There seems to be only two answers, either , "You will meet a tall dark stranger with a gun", or "You will vote republican in the next election". True, either of the two answers do appear random. However they are completely unrelated to anything I might ask. I had hoped for some different answers, like, "Buy a lottery ticket with the numbers, 6,13,19,34 & 56," or "Expect an audit by the IRS this year", or even "Your dog will have puppies this year". Some people have been surprised by the mysterious $19.99 charges which appear on their credit card statements each time they use the app. Personally I think the developers claim of 87% accuracy is overstated.

     Despite these drawbacks I am giving the app 4 stars because I like the taste of strawberry jam.

GLOW WORM

     Replaces your smart phone's alarm clock. No more annoying bells vibrations or ring tones just a soft dim blue or pink glow that slowly starts at the time you need to wake. No need to use the snooze button, the lights are very unobtrusive, you can just sleep away the morning. Break free of your antiquated mechanical clock or radio.

     A really good app, I have always had trouble getting up in the mornings. It was a constant struggle with grogginess, a rush to get out of the house and to work, no time for shower or even brushing teeth, just swipe underarm deodorant over my tongue and and rush out the door. After replacing my alarm clock with Glow Worm, I no longer worry, after just one week my boss called me in the office and told me I no longer needed to worry about coming to work. Now most mornings I am able to sleep till noon or later.

     Recommend best buy, I will give this 5 stars. Definitely the best app ever.

HOT STUFF

     Claims to boil water using your smart-phone. Instructions are: fill 2 quart sauce pan with cold water, turn on smart phone and place in water, for stove top, heat on high for five minutes or until water starts to bubble. For microwave place in microwave, turn on for 2 minutes at high, remove, rotate pan, replace in microwave and heat for another 4 minutes.

     I did not have a chance to review this app. I am not able to turn on my smart-phone, it is now a piece of fused plastic, glass, metal and strawberry jam. I cannot even find the off/on switch.

The stove top application seemed to work well enough, although I could not see any advantage of using the smart-phone. I had hoped for better results using the microwave, but apparently I had a defective microwave. Step one seemed to start smoothly with pretty blue and pink fireworks. The insurance adjuster has written off the microwave as a total loss. Repairs on the kitchen may be completed by the end of the month, that is if I leave the strawberry jam embedded in the ceiling.

     I do not feel it would be fair to the developers to give less than 4 stars, since they are kind enough to pay me $52.00 for each review.

MorriCat

Tech Support Guru

01/04/2015

SHOO FLY

IF THE SHOE FITS

    Although shoes have been around  a really long time. They have not always been accepted or extensively used, as late as the middle ages common people did not wear shoes, only the elite.  Anthropologists have found evidence of primitive shoes in ancient Egyptian tombs and in caves used by Neanderthals in France. There is some suspicion that shoes were introduced to humans by horses as the first shoes were little more than oval pieces of iron. In this case the Fashion police did not prevail, the majority of men objected to having chunks of iron nailed to their feet. A great setback in shoe development, shoes were regulated to just another passing fad, and bare feet remained the standard for several years.Even today it is illegal for women to wear shoes in parts of West Virginia and Kentucky.     

    As time went by there were many refinements in shoe design, iron was replaced by wood and plastic as the material  of choice, and leather straps supplanted nails as fasteners. A typical shoe consisted of a slab of wood or plastic attached to the foot by means of a leather strap. Other materials were tried, such as mud, grass, leaves and silk. Soon to come were great leaps in technological developments. Most notable was the use of different materials in the construction of the foot coverings. Leather being more flexible and easier to work with became favored over wood. Plastic quickly lost market share, as it hadn't been invented yet and was hence very difficult to obtain.  Leather  became the standard  for many years. Lately the bovine league has been able by an extensive public relations program to convince the public that plastic shoes are more fashionable, resulting in more contented and less nervous cows.

    

    Men's shoes have seen few changes over the years, originally the right and left shoes were identically shaped, with a R on the right shoe and a L on the left shoe to facilitate differentiation. A major design advance was adding a slight left hand curve to the left shoe and a slight right hand curve to the right shoe for easier differentiation. I am not convinced of the effectiveness of this advance as without the R &  written on the shoes, many men are confused. For further clarification, even with the R & L on the shoes most men are confused.

    On the other hand women's shoes, which appear to be designed and manufactured by a group of misogynistic fashion designers, have constantly changed. Many men have been driven into bankruptcy by wives frantically driven to keep up with the current shoe fashions. Much is unclear about the sizing of women's shoes. Most shoe sizes appear to be mislabeled, usually one to three sizes to large, women have been known to send hours trying to squeeze their delicate little foot into a size 3 shoe that is marked as a size 6. Women have been know to spend thousands of dollars and long hours in psychotherapy because they mistakenly believe they have big feet.

    Specialized shoes were soon developed. We have all heard  the expression, 'well heeled', usually referring to someone who is rich, this is derived from shoes with high heels that were produced for kings and queens, who apparently were descended from a race of very short people. Vertically disadvantaged and bad tempered, they were often known to remove the heads of some  of their taller subjects so as to level the playing field. Desperate advisors and sycophants were at last able to flatter them into wearing shoes with high heels. At first prone to topple over, they soon embraced the style as they now towered over their subjects.

   The golf shoe was developed around 850 AD. It is believed that, on a bitterly cold day in January of 848 AD, the avid golfer and renown idler,  Angus McDuffie  was playing in the final round of the Scottish Open. Down 4 strokes, frustrated and unable to concentrate on his game with the icicles growing larger and more numerous between his toes, Angus, in a flash of brilliance, took the head covers from his driver and 2 wood and pulled them over his feet. The welcome warmth from woolen club covers along with several nips of Irish  whiskey soon revived the dear lad. Much refreshed, Angus, not only made up the 4 strokes, but managed to finish 2 strokes ahead of the field. Alas victory was snatched away as the judges determined he was using unauthorized equipment. No, not as you may think, because of the makeshift shoes, but due to the use of the Irish whiskey, which was not at that time the national drink of Scotland.

    

    Disappointed with the decision of the judges, but, happy with the warm feet, and even happier after several additional nips of the Irish whiskey, Angus, troddled  home to his beloved spouse Agnes. The wee lass, naturally shocked and surprised to see him home while he was still sober and with money remaining in his pocket, inquiring as to his health, initial disappointment that he was not dying quickly gave way to feelings of avarice when he told her of his  two accidental discoveries, i.e. the benefits of foot coverings and economically priced Irish whiskey.

    Angus and Agnes quickly raised their standard of living from  abject despair and absolute destitution, to a level approaching poverty. The use of leather instead of wool in the construction of the shoes and the addition of metal spikes to improve the gripping power were major advances. Input from from purchaser's soon resulted in the re-positioning of the spikes, from pointing upward on the inside of the shoe, to the outside and pointing down. Other major improvements in the next 1100 years have only consisted of the addition of tassels.

    Recent developments in shoe technology include the shoe bomb, at first a spectacular failure, now being studied by the Department of Homeland Security. Another failed development was the Smart shoe, developed in the 1970’s, incorporated a telephone in a shoe. This eventually was abandoned as the developers were never able to solve the problem with the cord, and hence severely limited the distance one could walk..Today several cell phone manufacturers, along with Google, have resumed work on the Smart shoe. A new prototype is expected presently.

Who knows what the next advancement in shoe technology will be, Even now several entrepreneurs are working on features such as the electric shoe, recycled shoes, tight shoes, and most amazingly, a comfortable shoe. One can only await these developments with bated breath.

MorriCat

Fashion designer extraordinar 

12/27/2014

    

FUZZY NAVAL?

DO YOU HAVE BELLY BUTTON LINT?

     Are you embarrassed by the gargantuan collection of lint in your belly button? Do you hide in the closet to remove your shirt? Are you ashamed to be seen in bikini? Do you find yourself flipping through the infomercials on late night TV hoping to find a solution to the growing tangle of lint in your navel? Do not despair, what you have long considered an embarrassing problem may instead be your path to financial independence or at least solvency.

     Recent technological advances have given rise to a fantastic new industry. Scientists have developed a super fabric from belly button lint subjected to extreme pressure applied at temperatures approaching absolute zero. Having all the strength of tissue paper and able to accept the most subtle hues. Hues approaching absolute dullness. These characteristics of fragility, extreme dullness and outrageous expense make this fabric consequently eminently suited for high fashion. Although this writer would hesitate to attempt any usage of this super fabric other than possibly Homeland Security uniforms, several prominent fashion designers have embraced the use of this new super fabric in their most avant-garde and expensive creations. You are welcome to form your own opinion of this, but I suspect these cretins harbor a deeply held hatred of women, homeless men and puppies.

     Previously, it was believed that belly button lint was similar to clothes dryer lint. Recent research has debunked that theory, it has now been determined that collections of lint in belly buttons result from hairs on your belly rubbing against your clothing and pulling loose fibers into the belly button. People with extremely hairy bellies tend to collect more lint. Also more lint is collected from new and unwashed clothing.

     A cottage industry of independent contractors, are now able to collect lint while going about their day-to-day business, many even hold down other full time jobs. Once the lint is collected, it is sent to our factory, where it is sanitized, graded, sorted by color, placed in bales and woven into cloth. The best lint collectors tend to remain unwashed and buy, and wear the same shirt for weeks. we have found a fertile recruiting ground in the Chicago area, in particular among former and current Chicago Bears fans.

     At the Fuzzy Navel Club of Northern Indiana, the president for life, who has requested to remain anonymous, invited us to address the membership. We were surprised at the turnout, over 400 large, hairy, sweaty men all clamoring for beer. It was explained to us that the turnout was larger than usual as the members expected us to buy the beer. After surveying the audience, we determined it would be prudent to perhaps buy a few rounds. This turned out to be a good strategy as we were able to recruit several extremely effective collectors, many of whom had collections filling several rooms. One poor man had been reduced to sleeping on his patio as all of his rooms were stuffed with lint, admittedly an inconvenience, he was able to be listed in the Guinness Book of Records. Our arrival created a fortunate situation for both the club members and for us. They were happy to sell their lint collection and regain the use of their homes, and we obtained practically and unlimited supply of useful raw materials.

     I am proud to say that our industry has been greatly beneficial and most welcome in the state of North Dakota. It had been feared that the recent dramatic drop in oil price would render the oil industry in North Dakota unprofitable resulting in massive unemployment. While true our jobs are not as financial rewarding as those in the oil industry, we provide the opportunity for men (and some women) especially those with really hairy bellies, to hold their head high, knowing are providing a useful service and at the same time achieve the American dream.

     We need your help. As lucrative as this business has been, we expect that researchers will soon developed artificial belly button lint. Possibly of higher quality, and certainly less expensive, however, you should read the label carefully as it may contain harmful additives with devastating side effects. Even now there are rumors that several Chinese companies are aggressively pursuing reverse engineering and expect to soon have a competitive product on the market. Please do not be deceived their offering, as it is alleged to be of inferior quality and based on clothes dryer lint.

     If you are as patriotic as I hope you are, please lobby you congressman to pass laws establishing tariff or even authorize a navel blockade to protect the American belly button lint industry, and save American jobs.

MorriCat

Commander Fuzzy Naval Academy

12/20/14