LET'S GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY

THE BEAR HUNT

     Many of you have remarked on my absence from this venue of late. A plethora of comments abounded. Examples ranged from, "Our prayers have been answered.",  "The lobotomy must have worked.", "I think he's in Syria fighting for ISIS." , "Our children are safe", To the unkindest cut of all, "Morri who?"

     Regrettably I must inform you that for the past four months I have been recuperating from an unfortunate hunting mishap. Shortly after New Years I accepted an invitation to hunt bears. I reluctantly accepted as I had no licence, but after being assured that as a cat I did not need a license. Apparently only dogs and humans need to be licensed.

     Overbriming with confidence, perhaps too much, I equipped myself with only the bare necessities, 6 gun bearers, my chef and his 3 assistants, my personal assistant and my hair dresser. Of course we each had our own ATV, and since we only expected to be out a few days, we only took the smaller RV.

     Being only recently certified as qualified for the use of the 357 Magnum and AK47 by the Tulsa County Sheriff's Department, I could see no barrier to beginning the hunt. In retrospect I probably should have made a larger donation to the Sheriff's  Department. At the time I did not appreciate the possibility that a larger donation would, at least on paper, increase my qualifications in the use of firearms. As it was I thought the shiny badge and the certificate (suitable for framing), which authorized me to use force when appending felons or suspected traffic violators was a nice perk.

     Finally equipped with personal, training, a weeks supply of caviar, cream and catnip, I commenced the adventure. Not long into the trip we began to see signs of bears, like "Only you can prevent forest fires" and "Leave your picnic basket here". After ascending a low hill we were surprised by a large black, furry creature, which was either a bear or a large fat lady wearing a long fur coat. Recalling my training with the Sheriff's Department, I realized since it was large and black, I was not only authorized, but required to shoot.

     Quickly drawing my 357 Magnum I aimed and emptied the clip into the beast. You may have noticed that many people have difficulty distinguishing a 357 magnum from a Taser. I must confess that I was one of them.

     I am still not certain if the creature was a bear or a large fat lady in a fur coat, what did become apparent was that it became irate when tasered. Really irate! I have since reflected on the incident and concluded that I may have acted in haste.

     The nose transplant has been successful and I expect to be walking without crutches by next month.

     Several members of the law enforcement community have shared other anecdotes of Tasers being mistaken for a 357 Magnum, apparently it is more common than generally known.

MorriCat  qualified firearms instructor and Taser expert