IN FOR A PENNY IN FOR A POUND

PUT DOWN THAT BURGER

Obesity has became a serious problem in the united States. With a population of over 320 million people with an average weight per person of 181 pounds, Americans are the world's third-heaviest people, exceeded only by the Pacific nations of Tonga and Micronesia. If we are very diligent we shall soon be number one.

Obesity has been recognized as a health problem for several years. There are serious concerns about Diabetics, Heart disease, Sagging breasts, and Ephelis. The economic impacts are grave, studies by reputable scientists and shoe repair persons suggest that fat people not only consume more food, but require more resources for shelter, clothing and health care. This drain on our limited resources has not gone unnoticed by our elected representatives. They have less and less money for more useful and profitable enterprises, such as their salaries.

It is becoming a more common belief that it is more beneficial to have an increase in really skinny people, and decrease the number of obese persons. Many of our political leaders and captains of industry are working hard to make that happen. Recently you may have noticed that the quality and nutritional value of your food has deteriorated. Several restaurant chains have even resorted to selling their clientele tainted food.

Not to discount the health, and economic impacts of obesity. The real and more immediate danger is environmental. Many  of the Pacific island nations have expressed fears that rising sea levels caused by global warming will destroy their lands. This is a myth propagated by environmental scientists, who have been duped by misguided liberal housewives into believing in global warming. These gullible savants refuse to consider the extensive research provided by major oil companies and other large industries. Which prove conclusively that contrary to sea levels rising, the islands are actually sinking. It is now a generally accepted theory that the added weight of people due to population and average weight increases have strained our Earth to the breaking point.

Some estimates place the average weight of an American at 241 pounds by the year 2030. If true this is a real catastrophe. Worse, the growth in expected population to approximately 600 million, due to immigration, revival of the rhythm method of birth control and the effects of the push-up bra on the male libido, will add an additional 36 billion  (that's a whole bunch) pounds of weight in the United States (conservative estimate). Considering the size of the United States, I do not expect it to sink into the oceans, at least not right away and then not even all of it. A more serious and likely scenario, is the additional weight putting such a strain on the Earth that gravity will be affected and imbalance of weight will slow the rotation of the Earth, slowing it and allowing the gravity of the Sun to pull the Earth into a closer orbit. This lower orbit will result in more sunlight reaching the Earth and indirectly contributing to global warming. While only a temporary condition, the Earth is not expected to completely recover, the most widely accepted belief is that the decaying orbit will accelerate spiraling the Earth into the Sun. Effectively extinguishing all life except for a few African cockroaches.

It saddened me that so many of you have expressed disbelief and even derision in regards to the facts I have so carefully made up. Obviously you have been prejudiced by jealous, misguided and ignorant lackeys of big business. Hopeless as it may seem, I shall continue my crusade in a perhaps futile attempt to save our Earth. At least until someone offers me enough money to revise my facts.

MorriCat
Fearless crusader of truth

HIGHER EDUCATION

GET YOUR MOJO WORKING

     Were you aware that Harvard has hundreds of freezers in its basement containing over 100,000 toenail clippings? They claim the purpose of this collection is the study of diseases such as ovarian cancer and Ephelis.  Pashaw, I find this highly unlikely, toenails are about as far from the ovaries as you can get on the body, and Ephelis requires amputation of any affected area. A more plausible  theory is that they are using the clippings to enhance their Voodoo studies. Their collection of hair snippets from student's ponytails is further confirmation of this theory. How often have you passed a young lady on the street with a lopsided ponytail, never suspecting she could be a Harvard student? Make a closer examination next time, she could have been victimized by the Harvard hair thieves (not really thieves, but underemployed hairdressers, who have gone rogue).

     Considering the numerous secret societies at Harvard, you should not be surprised to find one dedicated to Voodoo. How this nefarious practice has been  hidden from the public for the past four decades is a mystery to me. The shroud of secrecy surrounding the activities at this alleged institution of higher learning is on par with that of the NSA the CIA and only surpassed by the operating instructions for Google's apps. We suspect that the CIA and NSA may also be interested in Voodoo. It goes without saying that Google has apps for everything.

     Many people are still unaware of rumours that Harvard has more Voodoo students graduate than any school outside of Louisiana. Enhancements from Voodoo is a plausible explanation for Harvard's reputation as the premier medical and business school.

     I am appalled that the major media outlets in the United States have failed to uncover this nefarious practice.  Someone has missed out on a Pulitizer Prize. Or perhaps they have known, but the threats of voodoo curses have discouraged them from publishing. I understand their hesitation, as Voodoo curses can be quite frightening, especially something like the Curse of the Seven Black Jinns.

     My usual assemblage of unreliable sources have suggested that Harvard may be one of the major markets for Voodoo charms, gris-gris, amulets and other paraphernalia. With their stockpile of toenail clippings and snippets of hair they command a leading position in the Voodoo community.

     It is unknown how many Vodouisants, Houngans, Mambos, and practitioners of Obeah are members of the Harvard faculty. We suspect they number in the hundreds if not thousands. Well, maybe not thousands but a bunch.

     I am gravely worried, since beginning this article mysterious and frightening events have occurred. Chicken heads found nailed to my doors, mojo bags on my doorstep, the toilet bowl is full of bloodshot eyeballs,  and  black candles are stuck to skulls burning on my dining table. Overnight a complete Victorian cemetery appeared on the vacant lot next door. I do mean complete, fog, moss trailing from the trees, evil laughter and baleful wailing at all hours of the night. It is eminently possible that I may not be here to receive the Pulitizer prize.  Prehaps one of the wizards from Yale will step forward to continue my endeavors. Where is George Bush when  you need him?


Professor Morri
Shoe repair specialist and Houngan

BEAN SOUP

LISTEN TO THE THUNDER

     Are you desperate to achieve weight loss? Do you want to lose weight without dieting or exercise? If that is your goal, we recommend TOOT-C, a compoundof bean juice extract and fermented cabbage. Use TOOT-C and you can expect a mystical experience.

     Bean Juice Extract works by increasing the propensity of flatulence, and the fermented cabbage enhances the effect. According to Internet wisdom, a fart expends 67 calories. It is an established scientific fact that to lose a pound you must either decrease your calorie intake by 3500 calories, or expend 3500 calories by exercise or other activity. We advocate flatulence as that activity. It would require little training and very little effort on your part.

     Assuming that 67 calories are burned by each fart to be true, 52 farts would burn about 3500 calories, enough to burn one pound of fat. So far, scientific testing has been inconclusive as to the validity of these claims. Nevertheless scientists have refused to endorses the claim that farts burn 67 calories (these are some of the same scientists who contend that the Earth is not flat). Inquiries of several congressmen garnered only guarded responses, that there was better uses for hot air. You should draw your own conclusions, but I ask you. Who are you going to believe, a bunch of ivory tower dwelling scientists obsessed with global warming, your congressman or a snake oil salesman intent on perpetuating an Internet myth?

     Only 3 teaspoons of TOOT-C in a glass of water each morning is guaranteed to produce instant results. Over 12 million bottles sold. Mostly sold to teenage boys who mistakenly believed they could impress their girlfriends. If you use TOOT-C immediately before attending a social function you will find out who your true friends are. We assure you, continuing use of TOOT-C will change your life. Talk to your doctor about TOOT-C, it will brighten his day, he can use a good laugh.

     Curious about possible side effects? They include, constipation, Ephelis, diarrhea, decrease in intimacy,  ingrown toenails, stained underwear, erectile dysfunction, social rejection, bad breath, global warming, an uncontrollable desire for serious conversations with turnips. Death is not a common result, but many people may believe you have died. Do not use TOOT-C if you are sane, have ever been sane, or plan to be sane someday.

     Users of TOOT-C have been ecstatic over their results. Many have reported significant weight loss, in most cases much more than expected. Unexpected benefits such as departure of unwelcome house guests, and significant others leaving. Remarkable decreases in entertainment expenses can be expected. As a birth control method TOOT-C is unsurpassed, it is probably the most effective method of encouraging abstinence in teenagers.

     We think everyone should use TOOT-C, after you use it you will too.

MorriCat 

Chief Pharmacist 

Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group LTD

"Better living through chemistry"

THE PERFECT GIFT

PRODUCT REVIEW for ELECTRIC UNDERWEAR

Read this before you buy. An informed consumer is a wise consumer. The fast growing fad of Electric Underwear has reached unprecedented levels in the fashion world. Pundits are amazed at the speed of growth for this trend. Millions or at least hundreds of teenagers, who all want to be different have embraced this latest fashion. One can not watch a reality TV show without seeing someone wearing Electric Underwear. Many performances of musicians or jugglers will feature someone wearing Electric Underwear.

For your benefit we have tested and evaluated offerings from the three leading companies. Although all have similar designs in the finished product, each has perused different technologies.

Panda has great design and outstanding colors. Their power supply seems rather outdated and awkward. Although versatile, it uses either 120 volt or 240 volt AC, the power cord is only 12 feet long. There is an optional 250 foot extension, all in all a cumbersome system. One of our testers had a slight mishap and slipped into the swimming pool. Not a pretty sight. Services will be held Saturday at Maxwell' Mortuary and Garage. It will be a closed casket. If you should choose to go with Panda, we suggest avoiding rivers and thunderstorms. Incontinence could be a problem too. We apologize for the shortness of this review, but our testers all threatened to resign.

The second product we tested, is produced by Factory and Army Surplus, they are apparently owned by a group of Luddites. Their product is cheaply made, simple unisex design and one size fits all. Color selections are minimal, only three choices, Olive drab, Faded brown (with spots) and Camouflage. Some of our male testers had difficulty with the bra, removal was not a problem, but several did not know how to put it on. Every tester expressed displeasure concerning the power supply. Admittedly the two Mack truck batteries were heavy and did not fit comfortably in their backpack, but most people should be able to attach the alligator clips easily with a little instruction. We advise people with lots of body piercings to avoid this product. Some of the units we tested were marked REJECTED by GSA, familiar with the high standards of our government some of our testers resigned rather than continue. A plus in features were the clips to fastening body armor.

The third and final offering is from Gobble Services. A well made product, pleasing design and great selection of colors. The colors are all florescent, including, green, pink, yellow, blue, white, black and olive. Sizes range from really tiny to enormous. It is best to try on before buying, as the marked sizes are not accurate. It is fortunate that the product is attractive, since it is solar-powered, and needs to be worn as the outer layer of clothing. There was a little grumbling by our testers about the electrodes attached to their various body parts, and the requirement to use candles at night to maintain the solar power was a concern for some. Useful features are a USB port for charging your cellphone and WIFI capabilities. We were assured that the data being broadcast was secure, being used mostly for advertising purposes, with on only the juicer items sold to the media.

Our testers were unanimous in the opinion that all three offerings were absolutely useless and overpriced. Although they could think of no earthly use for Electric Underwear, there was reluctant admission that they would consider buying it as a gift for a friends that they didn't like. Of these three choices we are giving the nod to Factory and Army Surplus, if only because of the kickback they gave us. Be advised, avoid like the plague cheap knockoffs from fly- by- night companies using cheap labor. These products are bad enough as it is.

For this holiday season I recommend Electric Underwear for all your gift giving. Those Christmas wish lists are just interesting reading and maybe good for a few laughs, but would you seriously consider a new car for your teenager or a 5 caret diamond ring for your wife? After all they are only giving you a pair of socks or a frilly nightgown. Save stress, order Electric Underwear for everyone. It can be bought online and delivered directly to your door In a plain brown wrapper. No need to wait for Santa on December 24th to squeeze down the chimney with a bag full of gifts, most of which are the wrong size, wrong color, inappropriate for the gender or the age of the recipient. Please do not let yourself be influenced by the impracticability and uselessness of the products.





MorriCat

President, Black Cat Product Reviews.

11/16/2015

OBAMACARE DOESN'T COVER THIS

A PLAGUE OF EPHELIS

     Do you suffer from Ephelis? Are you ashamed to be seen in public? Has been over 6 months since you have had a date? Do you use an alias when you talk to your friends on the phone? You are not alone millions of people worldwide are afflicted by this debilitating condition. Ephelis has been around for centuries, and has long been a plague on fair skinned people. Scientists are not certain how Ephelis is spread, however, the prevalent opinion is that is spread through sexual contact.

     If you have Ephelis or suspect you have been in contact with anyone who has Ephelis, ask your doctor about Nocebo. This modern miracle drug, recently developed by Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group Ltd, is unquestionably the most efficacious treatment for Ephelis. Previously the only way to alleviate the effects of Ephelis was to avoid exposure to sunlight. Many teenage boys still advocate this method as it allows them to sleep until noon or later. If you do not like to sleep all day, or the goth lifestyle does not appeal to you, Nocebo may be your solution.

     You should stop taking Nocebo and call your doctor if your hair turns red and you begin speaking with a brogue. You should avoid the consumption of Irish whiskey while taking Nocebo. If you are pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant or know anyone who may become pregnant or who has been pregnant in the past you should not use Nocebo, but we will sell it to you anyway. Use of Nocebo frequently results in ingrown toenails, kidney and liver failure. You should avoid heavy lifting, use of machinery, wearing of galoshes or rational thoughts while using Nocebo. I would discount any rumors of death or broken legs being caused by Nocebo.

     Ethical and legal concerns have prevented many doctors from prescribing Nocebo. Surveys of several pharmacies have found a reluctance to dispense Nocebo. Initially we had concerns that these attitudes would present difficulties in selling and delivering our product. We were pleasantly surprised to find an established network of eager and accomplished entrepreneurs similar to Amway distributors, to market our product. We believe you will love Nocebo as much as we do. We are so confident that you will like Nocebo that we are offering a limited free trial for the next week. Become one of the millions that have already tried it, are highly satisfied and now report that they cannot live without it.

     Remember, Nocebo is not sold in stores. To get your free trial, just call the number on your screen, have your credit card (or someone else's credit card) ready, you will only be charged $7.99 for shipping, handling and a contribution for bail bond. We do not keep you information, we send it as usual to our associates in Nigeria within the hour. Can't wait? You can find one of our many distributors on almost any street corner or at most Hollywood parties. Just look for the skinny kid wearing baggy pants and a gray hoodie. Discounts are given for cash.

     We do not recommend the use of Nocebo for weight loss, although many of our customers report significant loss of weight, probably because they could not afford food after paying for the Nocebo. Some of our more misguided customers are of the belief that Nocebo will alleviate the symptoms of Peutz-Jeghers Syndrome. There are reports of incidents of increased body odor when using Nocebo.

     Not always lethal, at least not immediately, Ephelis can be unpleasant, undesirable and embarrassing. Nocebo can help if anything can. Get your free trial now. Interesting side effects of Nocebo have included, improved detection of colors (many previously unknown), visions and conversations with sugar plums and other mystical creatures. We still contend that there are health benefits to the uncontrollable desire to experience a colonoscopy. Our previous ad agency had made several unsustainable claims. Nocebo will not make you faster than a speeding bullet, lab test have definitely confirmed this. The claim that users were able to leap tall buildings was slightly exaggerated, the buildings being used were from a doll house and our testers still had problems clearing them in a single leap. Likewise the propensity to indulge in a single glass of Irish whiskey several times a day has not been proven to be connected to the use of Nocebo.

     FDA approval has been withheld pending further testing. To date no animals have been harmed by the testing. Since there have been hints that sanitary standards may be a concern, we are removing the chicken breeding operation from the factory next week.

     Even if you are not at present suffering from Ephelis, I recommend that you purchase your supply of Nocebo now, before the FDA and the DEA shuts us down. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

MorriCat

Chief Pharmacist

Psychogenic Pharmaceutical Group Ltd

"Better living with chemistry"

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO

                                   TOILETS TO GO  

                           
Running late? Your teenage daughter just beat you to the bathroom? You needed to leave 20 minutes ago? Toilet stopped up and flooded the bathroom? Lost your key to the executive washroom? No hot water? Reluctant to share one of the coarse communal structures commonly used by the vast unwashed masses and found at construction sites or in rows at outdoor concerts, fairs or fishing contests.

Do not despair, MorriCat & Sons has the solution. Our company, THE ROYAL FLUSH, “for the man in a hurry” supplies a truly mobile restroom. Experience a unique and memorial event. We can make it happen.

Luxurious, some would say, even ostentatious, our fleet of mobile restrooms are built using customized Mercedes-Benz Sprinters. Our clients have expressed their approval of the new Art Deco exteriors as an improvement over the previous design of Early American Trailer Park, their excitement over the automatic sliding moon roof and sun deck is extremely gratifying. The interior features marble floors, granite counter-tops, 24K solid gold fixtures, crystal chandeliers, mahogany wood trim, towel warmers, barber chair, wet bar, 42 inch LCD TV, whirlpool tub and steam shower. A spiral staircase leads to the upper sun deck and hot tub. In response to requests from our previous clients, we have replaced the picture window by the whirlpool tub with one way glass. Our apologies to anyone who experienced embarrassment due to incidences before we corrected the orientation of the glass. Send us your name and address and we will share the profits from the advertising on the You Tube videos.

We really like to pamper our clients, we are available 24 hours a day, seven (7) days a week, each mobile restroom is staffed with either a butler or maid, a barber or hairdresser, manicurist, masseur and elderly cleaning lady (complete with authentic period clothing, and a large wart on her nose, she is equipped with a mop, bowl brush, air freshener, and tip jar).

No longer will you have to wait for your daughter to finish in the bathroom, Executive washroom “pshaw” your carriage awaits. Not for you sharing those tiny little cubicles with the great hoard of unwashed masses at public events. Consider the envy you will elicit when you arrive at the entrance of your country club for the Fall Festival Ball, in the 36 foot long bright yellow Mercedes-Benz Sprinter adorned with decals depicting golden commodes on each side and a 12 foot toilet bowl plunger on the roof. Ignore and snickers or snide remarks, these people are as old as you, wait about 3 hours, that's when the over-active bladders and prostate troubles really show their affects.

Is our service expensive? You better believe it, fortunately our clients are very rich, really, really, really rich, also they are very patriotic and subscribe to the trickle down theory of economics. Or it may be that they are just dumb. Never the less we happily take their money. We are non-discriminatory, we take anyone's money regardless of race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation or species. Call now for an unforgettable experience.

MorriCat
CEO and President, THE ROYAL FLUSH CO LTD

Franchises available.

SUPER MOON

CHICKEN LITTLE WAS RIGHT

The sky is falling, yes I said the sky is falling. The more observant of you may have noticed that the Moon has been increasing in size for the last few days. Already there has been an apparent 14% increase in the size of the moon. This is the result of the moon falling toward the earth. When the Moon finally strikes the earth this will be an unparalleled disaster, forget global warming, forget floods, forget famines, forget plagues and war, this is really bad, this is not something that happens every day. This will be a catastrophe comparable to the closing of every Starbucks in North America.

NASA has been appraised of this situation, however, to date they have been in denial, and have refrained from informing the public of the gravity of this situation. Repeated attempts to contact anyone at NASA have been futile. An anonymous employee (possibly the janitor), had no comment, but advised us to submit a FOIA request when the office reopened.

Congress was more help. Promises were obtained to form a committee to study the predicament as soon as they finished balance the budget. We are looking for a volunteer to hold their finger in the fire while this is happening. Further inquires gained a more definite timetable, although we are still not exactly sure when Hell is expected to freeze over.

As a proactive measure we have formed a Blue Ribbon Committee, consisting of many disgraced members of the Congress, former presidential aspirants, under-employed radio talk show hosts, and several noted Astrologists. A plan was quickly formed and agreed on unanimously. Pennies were collected from school children all over the world, and widows and orphans trust funds were raided. The funds raised, less a small percentage for administrative costs were applied to arranging for the Earth to pass between the Sun and the Moon creating a total eclipse of the Moon,

It is theorized that the Earth will block the gravitational pull of the Sun allowing the Moon to rebound and resume its natural orbit. In the unlikely event that this does not happen all funds will be returned to the donors, less any administrative costs and attorneys fees.

We hope you will take the opportunity to observe this unique event. The show will start shortly after sundown, on Sunday September 27^th. The spectacle will be visible everywhere in North America, with the exception of Kansas, which chose not to participate. Rain date will be October 3^rd. All are invited to attend, a small donation is requested for standing room, box seats are available for lots of money. Don't miss it. Refreshments are available for a fee.

MorriCat 

APPRENTICE SEER and SHOE REPAIR MASTER