SWITCHEROO

GENDER CHANGE WITHOUT SURGERY

     Gender Identity Switching is here to stay. Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months you should be well aware of that. Even Fox News has ran stories about Gender switching. Transgender transformations have a long history in the United States. In the late 1960's many young men, rather than migrate to Canada, used gender transformations to avoid the draft. There have been several rumors that some public figures have used gender transformation to enhance their political aspirations. One recent President used gender identity switching as a defense, when he said "I did not have sex with that 'woman'."

     For those of you who may be delaying your gender change, due to the prospect of facing a long and painful surgery. Your wait may now be shorter than you had anticipated.

     Recent advances in medical science, is making Gender Changing Surgery obsolete. Dr Morri Katt (not a real doctor), of the Institute of Transgender Identity and Shoe Repair, has developed a system to facilitate the transforming of sexual identity, from male to female or from female to male. If you have other preferences you can speak with our counselors. Do you feel you are trapped in the wrong gender? Or do you just want to try a different gender for a change. Dr Katt's newly developed procedures will help change your life. Bring the inner you to the top. Experience a different view of life. Put the zest back in your marriage. Gender changing can open up new opportunities in the workplace. Are you hitting your head on the glass ceiling? Tired of women getting all the juicy promotions? Go for it, apply for gender change today. What have you to lose?

     Our procedure requires no surgery. Dr Katt's experiments determined that gender identity is primarily a state of mind. Our procedure is based on a regime of strict diet, exercise, meditation, political activism, Voodoo and unconventional uses of common household products. This procedure is less invasive than surgery, less painful and if you are concerned about cost it is slightly less expensive. This is you opportunity to become one of thousands, if not hundreds of our satisfied clients in the transgender community. We will cheerfully return you money if it is not satisfactory.

     Concerned about safety? We're not, all we want to do is make money. We have not been approved by the FDA and do not expect to be. We did perform some testing, but we were forced to stop as several rabbits were harmed, if not physically then psychologically (several resisted wearing lipstick).  Unlike surgery, our procedures are easily reversed.

     For the really adventurous we are recruiting beta testers for our new species transformation program. Before you change you should study the benefits, and drawbacks of your new species. There is to be expected some danger in changing species. One of our testers who changed into deer, is now in a meat locker someplace in Colorado. Another tester we changed into a Republican,and he is now a talk radio host. Other that those two all have been successful. We feel with this programs that the opportunities are unlimited. Don't miss the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this rare opportunity.

     Some of you who are reading this may not be in the market currently for a gender change, please be aware that we also offer shoe repair at reasonable rates.

MorriCat

Life Style Counselor 

BITTER COFFEE

NOT STARBUCKS

     Recently several people have commented on the quality of my coffee. For those of you that asked, no, I do not put turpentine in the coffee (you are probably tasting the weed killer). And yes, I know some people who have used it as a laxative. But the primary use has been as a dental adhesive. If there is a dire necessity, it will make a passable nail polish remover.

     In response to several comments and threats of physical violence, I have compiled the results of last week's survey. It was unnecessary to wrap the completed survey around a rock and deliver it through the window. The ones stuck to the wall with a dagger were sufficient. And thanks for the burning cross, I was able to roast an entire package of hotdogs. To the person or persons responsible for the graffiti on the walls, I believe death has only one "e" in it. And, did you really intend to capitalize "scumbag"?

     One survey stood out from the rest, I believe it was more accurate than the others. The average  rating was 3/4 stars, one customer gave us three stars, two more than the average. His comment was "Better than Mom's". I am certain it is a coincidence, but we are missing one cup of vinegar. Another commented on the texture of the drink saying "First time I ever broke a tooth while drinking a cup of coffee." I believe the person who claimed that drinking gravel would have been smother, slightly exaggerated

     Now, I know what my customers want, but I am staying in town anyway. Extensive technical research enabled us to develop a better product. I no longer need to burn my socks when disposing them, I find the different colors have distinctive flavors. Our coffee is now available in seven different flavors, there is some debate as to the validity of  rancid as a flavor, but my personal favorite is the extra crunchy. Putrid is more a description than a flavor, consequentially we are removing it from the selections.

     Update on the socks, I have never owned green socks, that may have been either mold or pond scum. Nevertheless it produced a very popular flavor, two people actually took a second sip.

     We have many loyal customers, who have continued with us through our initial growing pains. Often at the expense of their health and sanity. Rewarding our loyal customers is our priority. We have introduced at all our stores, for a limited time, free coffee, only charging for use of toilets and medical services. This has proved to be a successful business model and we are considering the extension of the promotion. Conceding to the requests and threats from our customers, we will, (for a fee) clean the stomach pumps after each use. A last word of caution, our wait-staff have all been issued concealed carry permits.  I recommend that you consider the implications of this when tipping.

MorriCat

Barista Nonpareil

Proprietor, 2nd Street Coffee Shops

Coming soon to your town.

IN A PIGS EYE

GIGGLES THE PIG

CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF

FLINT MICHIGAN

"Bring pork back to politics"

MorriCat has completed extensive research on the qualifications of each of the three candidates for mayor of Flint Michigan and determined that Giggles the Pig, is the most qualified of the three declared candidates for mayor of Flint, Michigan this year. Unlike the other candidates, she has had no felony convictions and is not required to wear an ankle bracelet. MorriCat does not believe that the lack of felony convictions or the non-requirement to wear an ankle bracelets should be considered a determent. The allegations that she has engaged in pork barrel politics are completely unfounded. Her biggest drawback is her highly developed moral standard, and honesty, often considered a liability to a politician. Giggles is running as an independent on a platform of animal rights, and is currently ahead in the polls.

During the latest heated debate between the candidates, The other candidates threatened to barbecue Giggles, she shut them up with the ladylike response of:  'Oink, Oink' .

I know most of you will agree with me that the political environment in this country needs to be reformed, and we believe Giggles is the one who can do it.  Please, your support is needed, send money, or volunteer your time, come to Flint now, knock on doors, hand out pamphlets.  We need workers in all neighborhoods, Giggles the Pig is currently ahead in the polls, but we cannot become complacent, that can change as voters are fickle. We believe that what Flint needs is more pork, and Giggles can and will deliver.

MorriCat

Chairman, Animal Rights Party.

LIFE STYLE COUNSELOR

The Fast Track

______________________________________________________________________________

The following is an open letter to my favorite nephew, extolling excellent advice aimed at improving his chances of success in life. Many of you may criticize me for this blatant use of this forum to promote my commercial activities, however, consider, the quality of the advice portrayed, and consider you may know someone who can benefit from my advice and experience. You must not feel shy about referring them to me. I will be accepting a limited number of qualified new clients (or anyone willing to pay}.

______________________________________________________________________________

Dearest Nephew

I am concerned and saddened that you seem to be lacking direction in your life. Please, there are always challenges for young people. Life is not earned, but is a basic right, along with liberty and the right to play video games. You must learn  to set goals.

I know it is difficult to set goals, but  at least start, begin with an easy long term plan, such as setting your alarm clock, or choosing your dinner entree. If your expectations decrease your prospects for happiness increase.

As you should be aware I have recently became certified as a life style consultant (online degree from the School of the Americas) . There seems to be a great need for my services among young people today. Two of the greatest handicaps of teenage boys today are ignorance and stupidity. I have developed a cure for ignorance, albeit it is slow and painful. To date, stupidity has resisted all procedures which we have tried, among the most promising techniques, were removal of fingernails followed by soaking of the hand in an alcohol bath.

Eighteen hours of exposure to Barry Manilow tunes showed some promise, but an unwelcome side effect resulted from the International Court threatening us with prosecution for war crimes. Has forced us to cancel this promising  treatment.

If you will complete this brief survey I will be able to develop the ideal lifestyle plan for you.

1.  Do you know which wine to serve with potato chips? (do not skip this question it is worth 14  points).
2.  If you were offered the opportunity to visit Oklahoma would you go? Please write a 600 word  essay defending your          decision.
3.  Proceed to Oklahoma, do not pass go, if you land on Boardwalk pay double rent.
4.  By definition, cabbage is a color, is it more important than extra virgin olive oil?
5.  If you fall off the turnip truck will you be any smarter?
6.   Did you realize that by reading this question you have lost 16 points?

Please check all that apply.

     □ You answered all 10 questions correctly.
       □ I lost my pencil
       □ I plan to marry a cabbage.
       □ Eleven is the correct answer.
       □ If I promise to wear socks, do I get the job?
       □ Ingrown toenails are fun.
       □ Do you think the hamster is pregnant?
       □ A true conservative is against, not only same sex marriage, but same species marriage. 

If you have answered any of the preceding, correctly you are a complete idiot.
Any other score and you are an incomplete idiot.

Thank you for completing the survey, as this is a true scientific study, I shall now proceed to ignore you answers, as they were all incorrect anyway.

After consuming several bowls of strawberries and warm cream, and then rolling in a bed of fresh catnip, I was inspired to compose a plan tailored just for you.

Taking into consideration your short attention span and intense desire to avoid any meaningful work. I recommend a course of instruction at the East Reno Beauty Academy. After graduation, you will need to acquire a new wardrobe, recommendations include, white wellington boots, very tight white leather pants (worn low around the hips), no shirt, a short white leather vest (worn unbuttoned), you will need to shave you head and grow a shaggy mustache, wear an earring in your right ear lobe, either large gold hoop or silver cross inscribed with miniature skulls. A tattoo on your left bicep is necessary, I recommend, CAROL with the addition of a small rose centered on a scroll underneath.
Marketing  is essential, you must call yourself Alexander, no last name, no title, just Alexander (do not allow anyone to use a diminutive version). Your target market  consist of bored housewives who are over 40, and rich young women married to older men. Of course you need to advertise, remember just use the one name, Alexander, you can claim to be direct from Hollywood, Paris and Rome. It will be necessary to cultivate a French, German or Russian accent. Make sure you charge appropriately, (at least twice as much as next most expensive), an attitude of arrogance will b e helpful, remember you are the master you have the skills, the customer is never right. As you may not be able to make everyone look beautiful, it may be prudent to remover all mirrors from you shop.  Just one additional hint, some clients may admire your wardrobe and desire to examine your buttocks, when this happen you can expect your tips and other benefits  to increase significantly.

Scoff not, nor disregard these suggestions, apply yourself and you will have the opportunity to visit exotic places, drive expensive automobiles and own fine jewelry.

Remember, ignorance is treatable, and curable, stupidity is treatable also, but it is not curable.

MorriCat,
CEO,
MorriCat and Sons
Lifestyle Counselor Par Excellence

SAVE THE ICE

Household Hint  #1

For ease of removal of ice cubes from trays, coat trays with extra virgin olive oil before filling with water.

 

Watch for more useful household hints from Morri.

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY

THE BEAR HUNT

     Many of you have remarked on my absence from this venue of late. A plethora of comments abounded. Examples ranged from, "Our prayers have been answered.",  "The lobotomy must have worked.", "I think he's in Syria fighting for ISIS." , "Our children are safe", To the unkindest cut of all, "Morri who?"

     Regrettably I must inform you that for the past four months I have been recuperating from an unfortunate hunting mishap. Shortly after New Years I accepted an invitation to hunt bears. I reluctantly accepted as I had no licence, but after being assured that as a cat I did not need a license. Apparently only dogs and humans need to be licensed.

     Overbriming with confidence, perhaps too much, I equipped myself with only the bare necessities, 6 gun bearers, my chef and his 3 assistants, my personal assistant and my hair dresser. Of course we each had our own ATV, and since we only expected to be out a few days, we only took the smaller RV.

     Being only recently certified as qualified for the use of the 357 Magnum and AK47 by the Tulsa County Sheriff's Department, I could see no barrier to beginning the hunt. In retrospect I probably should have made a larger donation to the Sheriff's  Department. At the time I did not appreciate the possibility that a larger donation would, at least on paper, increase my qualifications in the use of firearms. As it was I thought the shiny badge and the certificate (suitable for framing), which authorized me to use force when appending felons or suspected traffic violators was a nice perk.

     Finally equipped with personal, training, a weeks supply of caviar, cream and catnip, I commenced the adventure. Not long into the trip we began to see signs of bears, like "Only you can prevent forest fires" and "Leave your picnic basket here". After ascending a low hill we were surprised by a large black, furry creature, which was either a bear or a large fat lady wearing a long fur coat. Recalling my training with the Sheriff's Department, I realized since it was large and black, I was not only authorized, but required to shoot.

     Quickly drawing my 357 Magnum I aimed and emptied the clip into the beast. You may have noticed that many people have difficulty distinguishing a 357 magnum from a Taser. I must confess that I was one of them.

     I am still not certain if the creature was a bear or a large fat lady in a fur coat, what did become apparent was that it became irate when tasered. Really irate! I have since reflected on the incident and concluded that I may have acted in haste.

     The nose transplant has been successful and I expect to be walking without crutches by next month.

     Several members of the law enforcement community have shared other anecdotes of Tasers being mistaken for a 357 Magnum, apparently it is more common than generally known.

MorriCat  qualified firearms instructor and Taser expert

 

STRAWBERRY JAM

THERE'S AN APP FOR IT

PERSONAL GYPSY

     This is your very own fortune telling app. Just enter your name, date of birth, sex, and credit card number. Easy to use just open the app and hold palm of your hand against screen then think of a question. Your question will be answered with a completely random answer.

     This may not the most worthless app I have ever tested, but it's definitely in the top ten. I tried the app while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and now have strawberry jam all over my phone. I expected the answers to be completely random, but I thought they would at least be somewhat appropriate. There seems to be only two answers, either , "You will meet a tall dark stranger with a gun", or "You will vote republican in the next election". True, either of the two answers do appear random. However they are completely unrelated to anything I might ask. I had hoped for some different answers, like, "Buy a lottery ticket with the numbers, 6,13,19,34 & 56," or "Expect an audit by the IRS this year", or even "Your dog will have puppies this year". Some people have been surprised by the mysterious $19.99 charges which appear on their credit card statements each time they use the app. Personally I think the developers claim of 87% accuracy is overstated.

     Despite these drawbacks I am giving the app 4 stars because I like the taste of strawberry jam.

GLOW WORM

     Replaces your smart phone's alarm clock. No more annoying bells vibrations or ring tones just a soft dim blue or pink glow that slowly starts at the time you need to wake. No need to use the snooze button, the lights are very unobtrusive, you can just sleep away the morning. Break free of your antiquated mechanical clock or radio.

     A really good app, I have always had trouble getting up in the mornings. It was a constant struggle with grogginess, a rush to get out of the house and to work, no time for shower or even brushing teeth, just swipe underarm deodorant over my tongue and and rush out the door. After replacing my alarm clock with Glow Worm, I no longer worry, after just one week my boss called me in the office and told me I no longer needed to worry about coming to work. Now most mornings I am able to sleep till noon or later.

     Recommend best buy, I will give this 5 stars. Definitely the best app ever.

HOT STUFF

     Claims to boil water using your smart-phone. Instructions are: fill 2 quart sauce pan with cold water, turn on smart phone and place in water, for stove top, heat on high for five minutes or until water starts to bubble. For microwave place in microwave, turn on for 2 minutes at high, remove, rotate pan, replace in microwave and heat for another 4 minutes.

     I did not have a chance to review this app. I am not able to turn on my smart-phone, it is now a piece of fused plastic, glass, metal and strawberry jam. I cannot even find the off/on switch.

The stove top application seemed to work well enough, although I could not see any advantage of using the smart-phone. I had hoped for better results using the microwave, but apparently I had a defective microwave. Step one seemed to start smoothly with pretty blue and pink fireworks. The insurance adjuster has written off the microwave as a total loss. Repairs on the kitchen may be completed by the end of the month, that is if I leave the strawberry jam embedded in the ceiling.

     I do not feel it would be fair to the developers to give less than 4 stars, since they are kind enough to pay me $52.00 for each review.

MorriCat

Tech Support Guru

01/04/2015