BITTER COFFEE

NOT STARBUCKS

     Recently several people have commented on the quality of my coffee. For those of you that asked, no, I do not put turpentine in the coffee (you are probably tasting the weed killer). And yes, I know some people who have used it as a laxative. But the primary use has been as a dental adhesive. If there is a dire necessity, it will make a passable nail polish remover.

     In response to several comments and threats of physical violence, I have compiled the results of last week's survey. It was unnecessary to wrap the completed survey around a rock and deliver it through the window. The ones stuck to the wall with a dagger were sufficient. And thanks for the burning cross, I was able to roast an entire package of hotdogs. To the person or persons responsible for the graffiti on the walls, I believe death has only one "e" in it. And, did you really intend to capitalize "scumbag"?

     One survey stood out from the rest, I believe it was more accurate than the others. The average  rating was 3/4 stars, one customer gave us three stars, two more than the average. His comment was "Better than Mom's". I am certain it is a coincidence, but we are missing one cup of vinegar. Another commented on the texture of the drink saying "First time I ever broke a tooth while drinking a cup of coffee." I believe the person who claimed that drinking gravel would have been smother, slightly exaggerated

     Now, I know what my customers want, but I am staying in town anyway. Extensive technical research enabled us to develop a better product. I no longer need to burn my socks when disposing them, I find the different colors have distinctive flavors. Our coffee is now available in seven different flavors, there is some debate as to the validity of  rancid as a flavor, but my personal favorite is the extra crunchy. Putrid is more a description than a flavor, consequentially we are removing it from the selections.

     Update on the socks, I have never owned green socks, that may have been either mold or pond scum. Nevertheless it produced a very popular flavor, two people actually took a second sip.

     We have many loyal customers, who have continued with us through our initial growing pains. Often at the expense of their health and sanity. Rewarding our loyal customers is our priority. We have introduced at all our stores, for a limited time, free coffee, only charging for use of toilets and medical services. This has proved to be a successful business model and we are considering the extension of the promotion. Conceding to the requests and threats from our customers, we will, (for a fee) clean the stomach pumps after each use. A last word of caution, our wait-staff have all been issued concealed carry permits.  I recommend that you consider the implications of this when tipping.

MorriCat

Barista Nonpareil

Proprietor, 2nd Street Coffee Shops

Coming soon to your town.