HOUSEHOLD HINT #2

CLOTHES DRYER SUBSTITUTE 

Need to dry your laundry? You just finished mixing a load of concrete in your clothes dryer and forgot to clean it? 

If you have a large microwave oven with a turntable, you can place your laundry inside and microwave on high for 10 minutes. It may be even quicker if you have clothes with lots of metal decorations.

MorriCat

Homemaker Maven

Watch for more household hints from MorriCat.

POLICE REPORT

City Of Marble June 16th

9:00 AM Driver of semi-truck with 60 foot trailer, inquired of best route to Crested Butte, I checked GPS and directed him up Daniels Hill and through Crystal. Felt nice to begin day with a good deed.

9:45 AM Report of bear riffling through trash cans on Main Street. I found Fluffy Bear, age unknown, address unknown, arrested him for vagrancy. He was later released on personal recognizance.

10:55 AM stopped for complimentary donuts and coffee at Second Street Coffee Shop.

11:15 visit to emergency room, had stomach pumped. Called health department and posted complaint about Second Street Coffee Shop.

1:30 PM Fat lady reported speeding on bicycle near Silver Street. A high speed chase ensued, and Miss Bernice Johnson age 87, of River City, Iowa apprehended and charged with resisting arrest and having excessively large thighs.

3:00 PM Arrested Starbuck the dog for urinating in public. Issued a citation and released her to the custody of  her parents. She has requested a jury trial. We are currently trying to assemble a jury of her peers.

4:15 PM received report of chicken crossing road, found Chicken Little in a confused state on the north side of road. Could not determine why she crossed the road, ticketed her for Jay walking. Later found good recipe for chicken soup.

6:00 PM Attacked by familiar looking, rabid, semi-truck driver, ripped clothing, covered with scratches and blood. He was wielding a large jack handle and screaming incoherently, something about worst #@!!###%**!! highway in the world, devil's punch bowl and $200,000 truck completely destroyed. I was able to calm him by applying several shocks from my Taser then sent him to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

6:30 PM Captured runaway pig in vicinity of 2nd and Main St, highly agitated, squealing,  constantly giggling and delusional, claiming to be the Mayor of Flint Michigan , after I consigned her to the custody of the chef at Slow Groovin' BBQ. He was apparently able to calm her as the squealing soon ceased. I plan to check on her tonight at dinner.

7:00 PM Domestic disturbance reported at Meg and John Blackburn residence,   I  investigated and arrested little Billy Blackburn age 10, for failure to eat all his vegetables. He is being held without bail and placed in the pillory until the circuit judge arrives next week.

7:30 PM rolled up sidewalks and extinguished the street lamps. Another productive day.  I congratulated myself on keeping the good citizens of the City of Marble safe from felons, highwaymen, social workers and other despicable persons for another day.

MorriCat
Chief Constable and Dustbin Cleaner for the City of Marble
6/16/2015

SWITCHEROO

GENDER CHANGE WITHOUT SURGERY

     Gender Identity Switching is here to stay. Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months you should be well aware of that. Even Fox News has ran stories about Gender switching. Transgender transformations have a long history in the United States. In the late 1960's many young men, rather than migrate to Canada, used gender transformations to avoid the draft. There have been several rumors that some public figures have used gender transformation to enhance their political aspirations. One recent President used gender identity switching as a defense, when he said "I did not have sex with that 'woman'."

     For those of you who may be delaying your gender change, due to the prospect of facing a long and painful surgery. Your wait may now be shorter than you had anticipated.

     Recent advances in medical science, is making Gender Changing Surgery obsolete. Dr Morri Katt (not a real doctor), of the Institute of Transgender Identity and Shoe Repair, has developed a system to facilitate the transforming of sexual identity, from male to female or from female to male. If you have other preferences you can speak with our counselors. Do you feel you are trapped in the wrong gender? Or do you just want to try a different gender for a change. Dr Katt's newly developed procedures will help change your life. Bring the inner you to the top. Experience a different view of life. Put the zest back in your marriage. Gender changing can open up new opportunities in the workplace. Are you hitting your head on the glass ceiling? Tired of women getting all the juicy promotions? Go for it, apply for gender change today. What have you to lose?

     Our procedure requires no surgery. Dr Katt's experiments determined that gender identity is primarily a state of mind. Our procedure is based on a regime of strict diet, exercise, meditation, political activism, Voodoo and unconventional uses of common household products. This procedure is less invasive than surgery, less painful and if you are concerned about cost it is slightly less expensive. This is you opportunity to become one of thousands, if not hundreds of our satisfied clients in the transgender community. We will cheerfully return you money if it is not satisfactory.

     Concerned about safety? We're not, all we want to do is make money. We have not been approved by the FDA and do not expect to be. We did perform some testing, but we were forced to stop as several rabbits were harmed, if not physically then psychologically (several resisted wearing lipstick).  Unlike surgery, our procedures are easily reversed.

     For the really adventurous we are recruiting beta testers for our new species transformation program. Before you change you should study the benefits, and drawbacks of your new species. There is to be expected some danger in changing species. One of our testers who changed into deer, is now in a meat locker someplace in Colorado. Another tester we changed into a Republican,and he is now a talk radio host. Other that those two all have been successful. We feel with this programs that the opportunities are unlimited. Don't miss the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this rare opportunity.

     Some of you who are reading this may not be in the market currently for a gender change, please be aware that we also offer shoe repair at reasonable rates.

MorriCat

Life Style Counselor 

BITTER COFFEE

NOT STARBUCKS

     Recently several people have commented on the quality of my coffee. For those of you that asked, no, I do not put turpentine in the coffee (you are probably tasting the weed killer). And yes, I know some people who have used it as a laxative. But the primary use has been as a dental adhesive. If there is a dire necessity, it will make a passable nail polish remover.

     In response to several comments and threats of physical violence, I have compiled the results of last week's survey. It was unnecessary to wrap the completed survey around a rock and deliver it through the window. The ones stuck to the wall with a dagger were sufficient. And thanks for the burning cross, I was able to roast an entire package of hotdogs. To the person or persons responsible for the graffiti on the walls, I believe death has only one "e" in it. And, did you really intend to capitalize "scumbag"?

     One survey stood out from the rest, I believe it was more accurate than the others. The average  rating was 3/4 stars, one customer gave us three stars, two more than the average. His comment was "Better than Mom's". I am certain it is a coincidence, but we are missing one cup of vinegar. Another commented on the texture of the drink saying "First time I ever broke a tooth while drinking a cup of coffee." I believe the person who claimed that drinking gravel would have been smother, slightly exaggerated

     Now, I know what my customers want, but I am staying in town anyway. Extensive technical research enabled us to develop a better product. I no longer need to burn my socks when disposing them, I find the different colors have distinctive flavors. Our coffee is now available in seven different flavors, there is some debate as to the validity of  rancid as a flavor, but my personal favorite is the extra crunchy. Putrid is more a description than a flavor, consequentially we are removing it from the selections.

     Update on the socks, I have never owned green socks, that may have been either mold or pond scum. Nevertheless it produced a very popular flavor, two people actually took a second sip.

     We have many loyal customers, who have continued with us through our initial growing pains. Often at the expense of their health and sanity. Rewarding our loyal customers is our priority. We have introduced at all our stores, for a limited time, free coffee, only charging for use of toilets and medical services. This has proved to be a successful business model and we are considering the extension of the promotion. Conceding to the requests and threats from our customers, we will, (for a fee) clean the stomach pumps after each use. A last word of caution, our wait-staff have all been issued concealed carry permits.  I recommend that you consider the implications of this when tipping.

MorriCat

Barista Nonpareil

Proprietor, 2nd Street Coffee Shops

Coming soon to your town.

IN A PIGS EYE

GIGGLES THE PIG

CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF

FLINT MICHIGAN

"Bring pork back to politics"

MorriCat has completed extensive research on the qualifications of each of the three candidates for mayor of Flint Michigan and determined that Giggles the Pig, is the most qualified of the three declared candidates for mayor of Flint, Michigan this year. Unlike the other candidates, she has had no felony convictions and is not required to wear an ankle bracelet. MorriCat does not believe that the lack of felony convictions or the non-requirement to wear an ankle bracelets should be considered a determent. The allegations that she has engaged in pork barrel politics are completely unfounded. Her biggest drawback is her highly developed moral standard, and honesty, often considered a liability to a politician. Giggles is running as an independent on a platform of animal rights, and is currently ahead in the polls.

During the latest heated debate between the candidates, The other candidates threatened to barbecue Giggles, she shut them up with the ladylike response of:  'Oink, Oink' .

I know most of you will agree with me that the political environment in this country needs to be reformed, and we believe Giggles is the one who can do it.  Please, your support is needed, send money, or volunteer your time, come to Flint now, knock on doors, hand out pamphlets.  We need workers in all neighborhoods, Giggles the Pig is currently ahead in the polls, but we cannot become complacent, that can change as voters are fickle. We believe that what Flint needs is more pork, and Giggles can and will deliver.

MorriCat

Chairman, Animal Rights Party.

LIFE STYLE COUNSELOR

The Fast Track

______________________________________________________________________________

The following is an open letter to my favorite nephew, extolling excellent advice aimed at improving his chances of success in life. Many of you may criticize me for this blatant use of this forum to promote my commercial activities, however, consider, the quality of the advice portrayed, and consider you may know someone who can benefit from my advice and experience. You must not feel shy about referring them to me. I will be accepting a limited number of qualified new clients (or anyone willing to pay}.

______________________________________________________________________________

Dearest Nephew

I am concerned and saddened that you seem to be lacking direction in your life. Please, there are always challenges for young people. Life is not earned, but is a basic right, along with liberty and the right to play video games. You must learn  to set goals.

I know it is difficult to set goals, but  at least start, begin with an easy long term plan, such as setting your alarm clock, or choosing your dinner entree. If your expectations decrease your prospects for happiness increase.

As you should be aware I have recently became certified as a life style consultant (online degree from the School of the Americas) . There seems to be a great need for my services among young people today. Two of the greatest handicaps of teenage boys today are ignorance and stupidity. I have developed a cure for ignorance, albeit it is slow and painful. To date, stupidity has resisted all procedures which we have tried, among the most promising techniques, were removal of fingernails followed by soaking of the hand in an alcohol bath.

Eighteen hours of exposure to Barry Manilow tunes showed some promise, but an unwelcome side effect resulted from the International Court threatening us with prosecution for war crimes. Has forced us to cancel this promising  treatment.

If you will complete this brief survey I will be able to develop the ideal lifestyle plan for you.

1.  Do you know which wine to serve with potato chips? (do not skip this question it is worth 14  points).
2.  If you were offered the opportunity to visit Oklahoma would you go? Please write a 600 word  essay defending your          decision.
3.  Proceed to Oklahoma, do not pass go, if you land on Boardwalk pay double rent.
4.  By definition, cabbage is a color, is it more important than extra virgin olive oil?
5.  If you fall off the turnip truck will you be any smarter?
6.   Did you realize that by reading this question you have lost 16 points?

Please check all that apply.

     □ You answered all 10 questions correctly.
       □ I lost my pencil
       □ I plan to marry a cabbage.
       □ Eleven is the correct answer.
       □ If I promise to wear socks, do I get the job?
       □ Ingrown toenails are fun.
       □ Do you think the hamster is pregnant?
       □ A true conservative is against, not only same sex marriage, but same species marriage. 

If you have answered any of the preceding, correctly you are a complete idiot.
Any other score and you are an incomplete idiot.

Thank you for completing the survey, as this is a true scientific study, I shall now proceed to ignore you answers, as they were all incorrect anyway.

After consuming several bowls of strawberries and warm cream, and then rolling in a bed of fresh catnip, I was inspired to compose a plan tailored just for you.

Taking into consideration your short attention span and intense desire to avoid any meaningful work. I recommend a course of instruction at the East Reno Beauty Academy. After graduation, you will need to acquire a new wardrobe, recommendations include, white wellington boots, very tight white leather pants (worn low around the hips), no shirt, a short white leather vest (worn unbuttoned), you will need to shave you head and grow a shaggy mustache, wear an earring in your right ear lobe, either large gold hoop or silver cross inscribed with miniature skulls. A tattoo on your left bicep is necessary, I recommend, CAROL with the addition of a small rose centered on a scroll underneath.
Marketing  is essential, you must call yourself Alexander, no last name, no title, just Alexander (do not allow anyone to use a diminutive version). Your target market  consist of bored housewives who are over 40, and rich young women married to older men. Of course you need to advertise, remember just use the one name, Alexander, you can claim to be direct from Hollywood, Paris and Rome. It will be necessary to cultivate a French, German or Russian accent. Make sure you charge appropriately, (at least twice as much as next most expensive), an attitude of arrogance will b e helpful, remember you are the master you have the skills, the customer is never right. As you may not be able to make everyone look beautiful, it may be prudent to remover all mirrors from you shop.  Just one additional hint, some clients may admire your wardrobe and desire to examine your buttocks, when this happen you can expect your tips and other benefits  to increase significantly.

Scoff not, nor disregard these suggestions, apply yourself and you will have the opportunity to visit exotic places, drive expensive automobiles and own fine jewelry.

Remember, ignorance is treatable, and curable, stupidity is treatable also, but it is not curable.

MorriCat,
CEO,
MorriCat and Sons
Lifestyle Counselor Par Excellence

SAVE THE ICE

Household Hint  #1

For ease of removal of ice cubes from trays, coat trays with extra virgin olive oil before filling with water.

 

Watch for more useful household hints from Morri.