FISH STORY

SCIENTIFIC NAMES OF FISH

Members of Congress in an unprecedented show of bipartisanship and pork barrel politics, have introduced a bill, HR1984, that requires all members of the public to always refer to fish by their scientific names.  Additional provisions of the bill will require the revision of all books, movies and other media which contain references to fish. Although in some cases redacting of the reference may suffice.

As there are more than 20000 unique species of fish pisces, some of you may have difficulty remembering the names of each species (some of you have trouble remembering your children's names), cheer up, the provision in the original bill calling for a mandatory 3  year prison sentence, has been deleted. now only fines, based on market conditions or the estimated ability of the perpetrator to pay (whichever is greater) will be imposed. The authors of HR1984 had intended to exempt children under 8 from the penalties, but research determined that mobile apps, developed by video retailers and porn site operators will easily allow the debiting of  their parents' bank account to pay any fines. New provisions of HR1984 have now lowered the age of children subject to fines to 2 years 3 months.

An amendment now calls for the establishing of a federal agency to licence and collect fees from people who want to fish catch a piscis. Each licence is to be gender and species specific, this is in addition  to any state licencing requirements. Dogs will need a licence also, but per long standing custom cats will be exempt from all licencing requirements. To assist with revenue collections, the NSA is over seeing the installation of 24 hour video surveillance at all lake over 10 acres.

The penalty provisions of the law will commence immediately after approval of the senate and signing by the President. Provisions for the revision or redacting of the media, will be delayed until January, 2nd of 2018.

The Federal Fish Police is to be re-branded as The Ichthyology Patrol, and expanded by 200,000 additional officers (at least cover most of 132,000 lakes over 10 acres in the United States). These officers will be highly qualified alleged relatives, friends of your Congressman or descendants of their dogs.. The anticipated decrease in the welfare rolls will be a welcome result.  

Soon you can expect to see officers of The Ichthyology Patrol, in their stylish and neatly tailored silvery iridescent uniforms with the camouflage gray back (I must say that I find the hat with the large google eyes and fins is a little over the top). Look for them lurking near the seafood counters in supermarkets or under Lily Pads in farm ponds.

Passage is expected to be unanimous barring the possible opposition by the representative from Kansas who wants all references of 'scientific' in the bill to be deleted.  

Words of caution, a slip of the tongue may cost you money, officers of the Ichthyology Patrol are authorized an expected to levy and collect fines (or even nice shoes) on the spot.  You may want to enroll in Professor MorriCat's Online School of Fish Pisces, there you can expect to learn how to recognize the different species, their scientific name and the pronunciation. Our cadre of CPE' (Certified Pisces Eaters), are available to assist you 24/7. There you will learn, when dining, the difference between a Phoxinus Phoxinus and an Oncorhynchus Mykiss. or mistakenly ordering calceamentum de soleus instead of Solea soles, when dining in a fine restaurant this knowledge will be crucial.

We envision a growing need for people who can edit and revise media, or who have experience and ability to train waitstaff and supermarket clerks for the upcoming changes in the law.

MorriCat, CPE

Ichthyes International Oceanic Services

"Ignorance can be cured, stupidity is forever"

HOT DOGS

HOUSEHOLD HINT # 73

After a long hard day, it is understandable that your feet are killing you, they are sweaty, smelly and burning.

Doctor Morri has the answer.  You need to relax. I mean really relax. The following process has worked for thousand, it can work for you too.

I recommend finding a large comfortable overstuffed chair, a six pack of beer,and a family sized bag of potato chips.You will need to remove your shoes and socks, loosen your tie and undo your belt. It is best to have the bag of chips and at least two of the beers open.

You must strategically place the chair not as you may first think in front of the TV, but in front of the refrigerator. Open the refrigerator door, sit in the chair and place your feet in the crisper drawer, no need to move the lettuce or other salads.  Now sit back, close your eyes and enjoy the beer and chips. All the while your feet are sending waves of pleasure and coolness throughout your body. You may even  develop an appreciation for Zen or Feng Shui.

CAUTION: Some people have became so enamored of the results of this process, that they developed an irresistible urge to share this tip with their significant other or roommates. If you find yourself considering this idea, and a cold shower does not dissuade you. Pick your time carefully, dinnertime is not optimal, consider later, perhaps during an opportune romantic moment you can casually remark, “by the way I put my feet in the refrigerator today... it was cool”. I have reports from several people who shared this tip with their significant other, spouse or roommates, that they are now enjoying a solitary lifestyle.

Dr  MorriCat

Executive House Cat & Lifestyle Counselor

“Develop the inner you”

June 28th 2017

1008 USES FOR DUCT Tape #27

IN AN EXTREME EMERGENCY YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE DUCT TAPE FOR TOILET TISSUE. 

REAL MEN'S COOKBOOK #11

SALT OF THE EARTH

Many men are becoming more interested in a healthy lifestyle. Instead of red meat, eating a diet lower in calories a day fats,  with more fruits and vegetables and fish. I am fortunate that,  Anchovies, one of my favorite foods is high in Omega fats,  mercury and other essential vitamins and minerals.

I recommend an Anchovie smoothie for breakfast (possibly the most important meal of the day).  Quick and easily prepared, your first Anchovie smoothie will be unforgettable. I have been told that some people try to forget by sleeping through breakfast.

Ingredients are minimal, two tins of Anchovies either flat or rolled, one cup of salt (I prefer sea salt), 1/2 cup of lemon juice and three tablespoons of mold scrapped from the chunk of cheese found on the back of the second shelf of your refrigerator, mix on high speed in your blender for five minutes.  If your blender is unfunctional because you have been using it as a cement mixer you can try inserting a large spoon in your cordless drill. Garnish with a dash of whipped cream and a Marchino cherry.  Now you are ready to enjoy.

One last piece of advice. If no lemon juice is available, kerosene can be used.  You will not notice any decrease in taste, just refrain from smoking while consuming it.

MorriCat
Chef for the discerning man

PUBLIC RELATIONS PROBLEM

THE MOSTLY MISUNDERSTOOD TASMANIAN DEVIL

Most of us have formed our options of Tasmanian devils based on the Looney Tunes cartoon from the 1950's. We think of the Tasmanian devil as a fierce, seething, snarling, insatiable lunatic, a notoriously cantankerous disposition and the tendency to fly into a maniacal rage when threatened by a predator, fighting for a mate, or defending a meal. Early cartoonists dubbed it a "devil" after witnessing such displays, which include teeth-baring, lunging, and an array of spine-chilling guttural growls.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Recent research and extensive studies have found Tasmanian Devils to be docile, gentle, and fun loving. One can not go wrong by sharing one's home with one of these remarkable creatures. It is tragic that they were mislabeled 'Devil', as you can see from the pictures below, Angel would have been more appropriate. Close you eyes and imagine, sitting in your most comfortable chair, with one of these warm furry creatures nestled in you lap, emitting soothing cooing sounds. We have observed more aggressive behavior, when their food supply is threatened they may whine or even squeak.

Eloise

'Puggsie'

Sicentists at the University of Sydney have discovered that he milk of the Tasmanian Devil has the power to kill the drug resistant super bugs that are plaguing our hospitals. Apparently their milk produces a natural antibiotic As a result the Tasmanian Devil is becoming in greater demand in medical research and in the production of pharmaceuticals.

MorriCat Pharmaceuticals, in partnership with the NSA has developed a dairy farm in the town of Leggo, Mississippi. (Yalobusha county). Our heard consists of 12,000 lactating females, hat we milk every 4 hours. We pride ourselves in the humane treatment of our stock. There is no more than 4 to a cage and each is allotted 1 hour every week in natural light. There wa some controversial when the NSA suggested disposing of the excess cubs by burying them in the local landfill. This was soundly rejected in favor of our current program to sell them for $1.02 each (plus shipping and handling). Each cub is flash frozen and shrink wrapped, before being mailed o the customer. Upon arrival they can be defrosted in your microwave oven afterwards they usually recover with a little CPR (if not simply return for a full refund).

Just visualize, your home complete with this small lovable furry creature. Scurrying back and forth through your rooms. Nestled on you lap in front of the fire. They are easy to care for, only desiring a handful of nuts, berries and chocolate for substance a nod of approval and a few tummy rubs. We find at the dairy farm that by supplementing their diet with black-eyed peas and 'chittlins', they are more content.

For those who are concerned about the prevalence of the new Superbugs, I suggest ordering a breeding pair, you can then have a handy permanent supply of antibiotics.

MorriCat, CEO and Chief of Research and Development.

MorriCat and Sons Pharmaceuticals

JUST A MINUTE

                                  A STITCH IN TIME

Most of us are aware that daylight saving time is fast approaching. The end of Daylight Saving Time will require all law-a-biding peoples to reset their clocks back one hour at 2 AM on  November 6th, this year. Those being extremely law-a-biding or overly cautious, or on parole,  may even consider setting their clocks back 2 hours.

Much confusion abounds, concerning procedures to adjust our clocks.  Last year there were several  instances of people who could not stop resetting their clocks each time the 2 o'clock hour struck. Everett Lawson has been confined in the Chillicothe Institute for the Criminally Insane since last November. He keeps insisting it is 1 o'clock, and turning his watch back every time it reached 2 o'clock.  I think he may have been right .

There is some debate as to the purpose and usefulness of Daylight Saving Time. Originally, proposed as a method of saving and accumulating daylight during the long summer days to be distributed during the winter. Proud as Congress was at finally passing any legislation, it was soon apparent that there was little or no savings of daylight or if any was saved it had been snapped up by Wall Street speculators.

As a public service,  MorriCat and Sons being purely altruistic, are offering to call you at 2 AM to remind you to adjust the time on your clocks. The call is free, with just a $9.99 convince fee. As a public service we will call other people for you.  Examples could be telephone solicitors, political pollsters or perhaps your ex spouse. The convenience fee for this is $19.99.

Hurry, don't let Daylight  Saving Time creep up on you.  Call now while we still have calling slots available.  For an additional honorarium, we can have an IRS agent with a heavy foreign accent make the call.

Your humble servant.
MorriCat

P. S.  My oldest son just reminded me that we can remove you from our call list for fee.

103 USES FOR DUCT TAPE #57

Need to boil an egg? to prevent it from bursting, try wrapping it with duct tape. 

When practicable I prefer to use a decorative  duct tape. Hello Kitty brand duct tape is my personal choice.