WATERPROOF

OBAMA RESPONSIBLE FOR DROUGHT IN CALIFORNIA? 

     Obama's legacy is now assured. In a rare display of bipartisanship, house speaker John Boehner cedited President Obama with creating the California drought. There was some concern that the drought may have exceeded expectations. The National Weather Service reports that this is the most severe drought in 1200 years.

     Regretfully,  pushback from the younger more conservative members of the speakers party was swift and intense. A bill was quickly drafted, consisting of 170 pages of unintelligible dribble, which in essence required President Obama to restart the rain and continue it for forty days and forty nights.

     To the great disappointment of his many doubters,  our dauntless leader, in a rare stroke of competency, proceeded with the commencement of a deluge in southern California, not see for over 4000 years.  One would expect people to be overjoyed to have a little much-needed rain. Not so, the uproar can be heard all the way to the moon.  Perhaps our elected representatives would have been better advised to have consulted the scientific community or at least listened to their constituents in California.

     Regrettably the damage is done, we can look forward to forty days and forty nights of torrential rains, soaking California.  A likely outcome of this torrid drizzle is likely  the subsiding of the entire west coast into the Pacific Ocean. Oceanographers predict the new coastline will be in Kansas.

     It is our fervent hope that a judge sympathetic to dry weather can be found to issue an order to halt the rain or at least delay the implementation of this law. Usually optimistic, I must confess that I see little prospect for this.

     As side note, both the Los Angeles Dodgers and the San Diego Padres were forced to cancel games. This did not deter 20000 diehard fans in San Diego from entering the stadium. When it was pointed out that the game was called because of rain, some were adamant that it never rained in southern California. Many failed to notice that there was no game.

MorriCat  LBC
CEO Western Umbrella Company

WATCH THE POT

HOW TO BOIL WATER

Step 1:  Fill small pot with water.

Step 2:  Remove one tablespoon of water from the pot.

Step 3:  Place pot with remaining water on stove top.

Step 4:  Watch pot until it boils or for 30 minutes whichever is less.

Water should be briskly boiling, if not carefully review steps.

Did you fill the pot completely? 

Did you remove exactly one tablespoon of water?

Did you place the pot on the stovetop?

OOPS! Slight correction. Please add Step 3a: Turn on burner.

Continue to Step 4.

Now you should have a pot of boiling water for your personal use.

Later posts on this site will examine some of the uses of boiling water.

How do you recognize boiling water? Well might you ask. Most men have limited experience in the kitchen, and need to be trained.

The easiest way to recognize when the water is boiling is to ask a woman. If no woman is available, you may  be able to find information on Google, however, I would recommend that you turn off the stove and go to a restaurant.

MorriCat
Executive chef

HAVE A BALL

JUGGLING

I am heartened with the resurgence of interest for juggling in this country. It has long been puzzling to many people that juggling acts have not been more accessible on the media, especially on radio. The sports section of my local newspaper has been remiss in reporting the results of juggling matches, so much so that I am considering canceling my subscription.

For many years I have spent untold sleepless nights searching through the radio dial trying to find even a snippet of a juggling act. Alas, it was always to no avail, all I could find were reruns of high school football games, conservative talk radio shows and traffic reports from Los Angeles.

It is understandable why juggling fans have been underserved for so long. Historical jugglers were perceived as scruffy, illiterate, lazy, and shiftless deadbeats. I must express disagreement with this description as I do not believe it to be complete. A better description would add, practitioners of witchcraft and shoe repair, or even members of congress.

A brief history of juggling.

Juggling is not a Johnny-come-lately, sport or art. Archaeologists have found evidence of juggling in ancient Egypt, where many jugglers have been found buried in tombs along with their pharaohs. Jugglers were fairly high in social status in ancient Egypt. They were considered just below the pharaoh, cats and onions, but above money lenders, priests, and other social pariahs.

In ancient Greece it was common to find many women jugglers. This was perhaps one of the first instances of equality of the sexes. Previously all jugglers had been either men or bears. These females, shameless hussies as they may have been, were required to be virgins or to have been virgins at one time. Some jugglers would supplement their income by posing for artists e who would depict them on works of pottery, such as vases or platters. Monetarily Greece has now fallen on hard times, consequently juggling is no longer practiced and only depictions of jugglers on shards of pottery remain. Selling these shards is now one of the major sources of income for many Greeks.

There was a brief revival of juggling concurrent with the Spanish Inquisition. Many jugglers at that time found work entertaining large crowds at religious functions. These were not long lasting or well paying gigs as many performers left the profession for unexplained reasons during that period. Often a juggler would be accused of witchcraft and questioned gently to give him the opportunity to confess. Many saw the error of their ways repented and converted. Repentance and conversion did not preclude them from continued entertainment of the crowd by being burned at a stake which further diminished the ranks of the jugglers.

Medieval times found jugglers being kept by kings, nobles and rich merchants. A juggler fortunate enough to obtain one of these positions had a fairly good life. They were not required to do any real work, they got to eat and sleep with the dogs and clowns, and they were usually provided with a nifty multicolored uniform. A nimble and clever juggler could often when juggling food items, purloin a few eggs or dinner rolls, there is even a legend of a juggler who would juggle 4 full mugs of ale, sipping continuously.

Jugglers and their compatriots the clowns were originally barred from entry into the United States. However, in the mid 1800's, enterprising circus proprietors and call center operators managed to smuggle several jugglers and clowns through Canada and into the United States. Once established in the United States, they were protected by zealous social workers and immigration attorneys. They were provide jobs by unscrupulous circus operators, who claimed that Americans did not want to do 'that' work. There appear to be no natural predators of jugglers in the United States, consequently, once here they procreated prodigiously and since have driven out the native Americans, forcing them to move to Oklahoma. It has been theorized that the multitude of jugglers contributed to causing the Civil War.

Recent enhancements in the acceptability of jugglers has raised their social status and brought awareness of juggling as a sport and an art form. No longer ostracized, at least not in the United States, young jugglers no longer need to hide in the closet when practicing their art. Many fathers have affirmed that they would not object to their daughter marrying a juggler. Several college athletic conferences have adopted juggling as a varsity sport. The National Juggling Association will begin with 6 teams next Spring, expected to grow to 8 teams the following season. Validation of the acceptance of juggling is suspensions put on the Florida State University by the NCAA for recruiting violations, and several jugglers disqualified from the US Olympic team for use of performance enhancing drugs. Today it was confirmed that NBC will have a juggling reality show in their Fall lineup. Dancing With the Stars and America's got Talent are both actively recruiting jugglers as contestants.

Mothers are you distressed because your son does not have the ability to become a star football player or a champion ballet dancer? Rejoice! America needs new jugglers. Many opportunities exist in the juggling field, don't miss out. Get some balls for your kid and send him to juggling camp. He may become the Bill Gates of juggling, give him a chance. All he needs is some balls.

MorriCat, SBC

Director:  Master Juggling, Witchcraft and Shoe Repair Camp

HOUSEHOLD HINT #2

CLOTHES DRYER SUBSTITUTE 

Need to dry your laundry? You just finished mixing a load of concrete in your clothes dryer and forgot to clean it? 

If you have a large microwave oven with a turntable, you can place your laundry inside and microwave on high for 10 minutes. It may be even quicker if you have clothes with lots of metal decorations.

MorriCat

Homemaker Maven

Watch for more household hints from MorriCat.

POLICE REPORT

City Of Marble June 16th

9:00 AM Driver of semi-truck with 60 foot trailer, inquired of best route to Crested Butte, I checked GPS and directed him up Daniels Hill and through Crystal. Felt nice to begin day with a good deed.

9:45 AM Report of bear riffling through trash cans on Main Street. I found Fluffy Bear, age unknown, address unknown, arrested him for vagrancy. He was later released on personal recognizance.

10:55 AM stopped for complimentary donuts and coffee at Second Street Coffee Shop.

11:15 visit to emergency room, had stomach pumped. Called health department and posted complaint about Second Street Coffee Shop.

1:30 PM Fat lady reported speeding on bicycle near Silver Street. A high speed chase ensued, and Miss Bernice Johnson age 87, of River City, Iowa apprehended and charged with resisting arrest and having excessively large thighs.

3:00 PM Arrested Starbuck the dog for urinating in public. Issued a citation and released her to the custody of  her parents. She has requested a jury trial. We are currently trying to assemble a jury of her peers.

4:15 PM received report of chicken crossing road, found Chicken Little in a confused state on the north side of road. Could not determine why she crossed the road, ticketed her for Jay walking. Later found good recipe for chicken soup.

6:00 PM Attacked by familiar looking, rabid, semi-truck driver, ripped clothing, covered with scratches and blood. He was wielding a large jack handle and screaming incoherently, something about worst #@!!###%**!! highway in the world, devil's punch bowl and $200,000 truck completely destroyed. I was able to calm him by applying several shocks from my Taser then sent him to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

6:30 PM Captured runaway pig in vicinity of 2nd and Main St, highly agitated, squealing,  constantly giggling and delusional, claiming to be the Mayor of Flint Michigan , after I consigned her to the custody of the chef at Slow Groovin' BBQ. He was apparently able to calm her as the squealing soon ceased. I plan to check on her tonight at dinner.

7:00 PM Domestic disturbance reported at Meg and John Blackburn residence,   I  investigated and arrested little Billy Blackburn age 10, for failure to eat all his vegetables. He is being held without bail and placed in the pillory until the circuit judge arrives next week.

7:30 PM rolled up sidewalks and extinguished the street lamps. Another productive day.  I congratulated myself on keeping the good citizens of the City of Marble safe from felons, highwaymen, social workers and other despicable persons for another day.

MorriCat
Chief Constable and Dustbin Cleaner for the City of Marble
6/16/2015

SWITCHEROO

GENDER CHANGE WITHOUT SURGERY

     Gender Identity Switching is here to stay. Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months you should be well aware of that. Even Fox News has ran stories about Gender switching. Transgender transformations have a long history in the United States. In the late 1960's many young men, rather than migrate to Canada, used gender transformations to avoid the draft. There have been several rumors that some public figures have used gender transformation to enhance their political aspirations. One recent President used gender identity switching as a defense, when he said "I did not have sex with that 'woman'."

     For those of you who may be delaying your gender change, due to the prospect of facing a long and painful surgery. Your wait may now be shorter than you had anticipated.

     Recent advances in medical science, is making Gender Changing Surgery obsolete. Dr Morri Katt (not a real doctor), of the Institute of Transgender Identity and Shoe Repair, has developed a system to facilitate the transforming of sexual identity, from male to female or from female to male. If you have other preferences you can speak with our counselors. Do you feel you are trapped in the wrong gender? Or do you just want to try a different gender for a change. Dr Katt's newly developed procedures will help change your life. Bring the inner you to the top. Experience a different view of life. Put the zest back in your marriage. Gender changing can open up new opportunities in the workplace. Are you hitting your head on the glass ceiling? Tired of women getting all the juicy promotions? Go for it, apply for gender change today. What have you to lose?

     Our procedure requires no surgery. Dr Katt's experiments determined that gender identity is primarily a state of mind. Our procedure is based on a regime of strict diet, exercise, meditation, political activism, Voodoo and unconventional uses of common household products. This procedure is less invasive than surgery, less painful and if you are concerned about cost it is slightly less expensive. This is you opportunity to become one of thousands, if not hundreds of our satisfied clients in the transgender community. We will cheerfully return you money if it is not satisfactory.

     Concerned about safety? We're not, all we want to do is make money. We have not been approved by the FDA and do not expect to be. We did perform some testing, but we were forced to stop as several rabbits were harmed, if not physically then psychologically (several resisted wearing lipstick).  Unlike surgery, our procedures are easily reversed.

     For the really adventurous we are recruiting beta testers for our new species transformation program. Before you change you should study the benefits, and drawbacks of your new species. There is to be expected some danger in changing species. One of our testers who changed into deer, is now in a meat locker someplace in Colorado. Another tester we changed into a Republican,and he is now a talk radio host. Other that those two all have been successful. We feel with this programs that the opportunities are unlimited. Don't miss the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this rare opportunity.

     Some of you who are reading this may not be in the market currently for a gender change, please be aware that we also offer shoe repair at reasonable rates.

MorriCat

Life Style Counselor 

BITTER COFFEE

NOT STARBUCKS

     Recently several people have commented on the quality of my coffee. For those of you that asked, no, I do not put turpentine in the coffee (you are probably tasting the weed killer). And yes, I know some people who have used it as a laxative. But the primary use has been as a dental adhesive. If there is a dire necessity, it will make a passable nail polish remover.

     In response to several comments and threats of physical violence, I have compiled the results of last week's survey. It was unnecessary to wrap the completed survey around a rock and deliver it through the window. The ones stuck to the wall with a dagger were sufficient. And thanks for the burning cross, I was able to roast an entire package of hotdogs. To the person or persons responsible for the graffiti on the walls, I believe death has only one "e" in it. And, did you really intend to capitalize "scumbag"?

     One survey stood out from the rest, I believe it was more accurate than the others. The average  rating was 3/4 stars, one customer gave us three stars, two more than the average. His comment was "Better than Mom's". I am certain it is a coincidence, but we are missing one cup of vinegar. Another commented on the texture of the drink saying "First time I ever broke a tooth while drinking a cup of coffee." I believe the person who claimed that drinking gravel would have been smother, slightly exaggerated

     Now, I know what my customers want, but I am staying in town anyway. Extensive technical research enabled us to develop a better product. I no longer need to burn my socks when disposing them, I find the different colors have distinctive flavors. Our coffee is now available in seven different flavors, there is some debate as to the validity of  rancid as a flavor, but my personal favorite is the extra crunchy. Putrid is more a description than a flavor, consequentially we are removing it from the selections.

     Update on the socks, I have never owned green socks, that may have been either mold or pond scum. Nevertheless it produced a very popular flavor, two people actually took a second sip.

     We have many loyal customers, who have continued with us through our initial growing pains. Often at the expense of their health and sanity. Rewarding our loyal customers is our priority. We have introduced at all our stores, for a limited time, free coffee, only charging for use of toilets and medical services. This has proved to be a successful business model and we are considering the extension of the promotion. Conceding to the requests and threats from our customers, we will, (for a fee) clean the stomach pumps after each use. A last word of caution, our wait-staff have all been issued concealed carry permits.  I recommend that you consider the implications of this when tipping.

MorriCat

Barista Nonpareil

Proprietor, 2nd Street Coffee Shops

Coming soon to your town.